Aiden Deis: My Subset of Reality

Mostly about Elon

Dec 27th 2016

11:51PM Last night I drifted off to sleep while writing the log. I haven't gone back to read over it to see whether I ended it or just stopped typing mid thought.

I don't recall much of the detail about today, I spent most of my attention on reading the Elon biography. I went over to Neil's in the morning to sit there and read. He sat next to me watching TV. I'm not great company when I read. If I'm doing it correctly, I'm usually absorbed enough to where I get slightly agitated by being directly addressed in conversation or if it becomes clear that I'm expected to be hearing what is being said around me. I usually do hear it, but only passively... as if filtering through the content of the dialog with only enough attention to be alerted by trigger words, phrases or tone that suggest an expectation of response. Of course this is a grandiose interpretation of my own abilities, probably influenced by the subject of my reading. It's an interesting experience, all the qualities and/or behaviors that I tell myself I seem to (to some minor extent) share with Elon, I then make the leap of thinking are somehow 'okay' because they serve a 'greater' purpose in Elon. That last sentence is worded very poorly and I hope I am able to fully regain my intended meaning upon rereading it, but as a safeguard I'm adding this: I'm trying to explain the logical fallacy that I am finding myself vulnerable to being, I do this abnormal thing, Elon does this abnormal thing, Elon's abnormality is what enables/is his greatness, therefor my abnormalities are justified and need not be checked.

Well laying here in bed, as well as a few hours ago, I was feeling that a romantic relationship would probably be more damaging to me than good. I don't think I'm emotionally equipt for the ups and downs that would inevitably come with it.

I didn't write this yesterday, but I decided against trying the weed. I didn't make the decision on a bright line. I realized that the only reason I was considering doing it, was as a bonding experience with Cameron. Not the worst reason, I'll need friends going forwards, but I might have already overcomplicated this relationship. And even so, going forward, being my friend might not win Cameron very many points with his family. Look at me trying to come across all altruistic. Let the record show, I subscribe to Richard Dawkins' view of altruism as described in his The Selfish Gene. Certainly he crossed my mind a few times today, but less frequently and with less of a sense of loss. It was the old reminders of periodic communication with him throughout the day, but they didn't leave any lingering desire to mull over what should be my appropriate course of action regarding our relationship (I tend to use the word relationship with the denotative meaning, but not entirely free of the connotation).

After catching myself in the attempt to sound altruistic, I, for the first time to any significant consequence find myself wondering whom exactly I imagine would be reading this. When I was trying to sound Altruistic, who was I trying to impress? The other day when I wrote about happiness and my parents' relationship, I imagined, while writing it that I would give it to my mother to read and that it might somehow help her understand her own emotions and decisions better or at least make her feel understood. I didn't give it to her to read, but that was definitely an influence on me while typing.

When I type about Cameron, I imagine (as I am right now) that he will be reading it. I think that is why I try to sound detached from my emotions about the loss of someone who I would much prefer to be close to. I take a clinical tone so that the imaginary Cameron reading this doesn't pity me, or feel downright repulsed at what I imagine he'd perceive as a wild mutated perversion of the reality of our friendship as he perceives it.

I'm not too alarmed at this reflection that my tone shifts according to the subject because the facts and the truth of it and the emotions I feel are still accurately captured. Especially having taken the time to consider my motivations for tonal shifts, which I think enables an even fuller analysis and understanding of both past and future events.

Another consideration is the fact that while the fading relationship with Cameron is notable, the very act of taking note thereof compromises the process of forgetting.

An unforeseen consequence of the failing relationship with Cameron is that I also have less desire to engage with my other friends, i.e. Bert. No idea why that would be.

On the 24th, I snap chatted Cameron that "I could use a hangout after christmas", he responded with "It might have to be on the 27th" and I again with "I'd say that qualifies as after christmas". Then I heard Lara was making plans to visit friends what would have been today, the 27th, and I jumped irrationally (privately) to the assumption that she would be going to a party that Cameron would be hosting where they'd be getting drunk, and I wasn't invited because I was a stick in the mud. Now understand that that thought only accounted for 2-5seconds of real-time, but it struck me that I was still having a strong emotional response to Cameron. Then like I've said, today passed without much in the way of though spared to him, though I noticed throughout the day, the absence of message or snap chat from him.

Lara woke me and Neil up at around 3:30 where I'd fallen asleep reading my book and Neil passed out bored of being bored. She asked if we'd go see "Why Him?" with her today and we agreed that we'd go see the next showing, which meant we'd have to leave in 30min. Mom was visiting with Kari and Grandma Mary when Lara called to let her know we wanted to go to the theatre, and then Lara called Dad, and so we were all ready at last to go see the movie Lara wanted us all to see.

Me and Neil it seems are far less comfortable watching anything remotely racy that requires us to admit to any sexuality in our own natures than Lara is. Both our parents seemed to enjoy the movie, but me and Neil restrained our enjoyment. Neil more than I.

We got home and decided to play another round of Monopoly. If arrived at the conclusion that I enjoy neither losing nor winning at monopoly. I won tonight, but only because I was actually in very poor shape at the onset of the game and dad made and extremely poor trade with me because he thought I was making the game overall less enjoyable by stubbornly refusing to allow the game to accelerate by holding onto properties other people needed. We were in a deadlock, and he decided to break it by allowing me to gain power when I should have instead been slowly bled out.

At some point during the game, I again noticed that Cameron had not messaged, nor snapped me. I opened snapchat to see that our now 15-day streak was about to expire so I sent him a picture of my face captioned "hey". He'd know it was meant only to preserve the 'fire'. After getting out of the shower I saw he had replied with a blank picture captioned "hey'.

That stupid fire is the only reason we still communicate, and the longer it goes on for the more certain I become that once it expires, we'll stop communicating.
Also worth noting is that mom insisted on buying Lara's books for this semester, a cool 6-700$. I don't like money.

As of now, I intend on waiting to see if Cameron prompts me to hang out tomorrow, because... well I don't know. I think once we get together once more and reinforce finally that we no longer have overlapping interests or need for each other.. We'll just be done. I don't even know what we'd do if we're were to hang out... what... watch game of thrones? Some other tv show?

Okay I'm drifting off to sleep. I'm going to be careful not to end our friendship out of fear taht that our firendship will end.