Aiden Deis: My Subset of Reality

Fucking Hypocrite

Fuck this closure narrative that I seem to keep trying to live out! Fuck this destructive self-pity bullshit. When people 'accuse' me of not liking them, as if my failing to recognize the appeals of their personality is some failure on my part... I think them self-obsessed idiots. Now this self-pity shit has to stop. Nobody owes me any affection or compassion or love or admiration or any bloody thing. Just like I don't owe it them. My options are: be someone who drowns in pity over a lost friendship (to be clear I didn't lose the person, just the particular state of friendship that I used to have with him... and that's something important for me to understand) or I can be someone who inspires in other people a sensation of affection and compassion and understanding. I can give them the fuzzies that I was hoping for.

This was not a failure on Cameron's part as a friend, he probably doesn't even know I'm 'dealing with emotions' his is probably a perspective of an over dramatic reaction to an ignored text and gift. Which in the context of the serious texts that preceded it probably came across as reasonably weird.

So yes, I did go over to Cameron's house tonight. Nothing particularly interesting happened, nothing at all really happened. Cameron made a few par for the course attempts at regular interaction. On my part though, I simply had no desire to interact with him, it felt as if though the files containing the protocols for interacting with him had become completely corrupted. I didn't have a desire to speak to him... but that's not true, I definitely had the desire to speak to him, I just had nothing I wanted to say to him. Later into the second episode of GoT he got a phone call and ran out to answer it in private. Everything he did, I somehow interpreted as hurting me.Earlier he showed me a cigar he had bought, probably just meaning to engage me in something that he was excited about, I mustered up some excitement as he explained that it was part of a collectable set and he had bought 4, then he named off the friends he would give the others to. Everything hurt. Well when he got the call and ran off to answer, I was grasping at further excuses to turn it into a reason for me to pity myself some more I settled on: It was some of his actual friends calling to invite him to a party and he was about to return from the call either to ask me if we could cut the night short because he had fun things to do now, or he was going to pretend to be sleepy and guilt me into leaving, so he could get dressed and have some fun. So I decided beat him to the punch.

I am perfectly aware of how this sounds. It is crazy. But this break has been emotionally exhausting for me and I'm on my last threads. This whole parents in the same vicinity really isn't doing me well, I needed somewhere to direct my emotional destructive rage and the biggest most resilient target was Cameron.

Well I decided to beat him to the punch and leave before he could uninvite me, nothing positive was going to happen anyways. When he came back from his call I had my shoes on, wallet in my pocket, backpack ready to put up the laptop, and I was ready to head off.

My self pity enfolded me. Our friendship is over. I wanted to be nowhere, I wanted to think nothing, I longed to be asleep already but dreaded the process of unwinding.

I brushed my teeth, slowly got to the side of my bed and realized I was busy choosing to be sad. I was busy shaping my world such that it would support my conclusion that I was entitled to feel sadness. It was illogical for me to be feeling all the sadness that this break had brought on and I had to reconcile that feeling somehow, so I attacked an essential part of myself and went to work feeling sadness, indulging in sadness.

That's all I can do before falling asleep, but my prescription is to stop dramatizing shit and get on with living, idiot.

Dear me,

I just read back this log. You should really read over what you wrote about happiness leeches it might do you some good in your future friendships/relationships.

P.S. Writing this stuff down might be somehow detrimental to your psychological health, give it some thought when you are in a clear state of mind.