Would you stay or leave me?

Chapter 45: Acceptance

He put his hands in his pocket and took out a small velvet box opening it to reveal a beautiful diamond ring "Marry me." He stood there starring at me expectantly.

My heart lurched as I stare into his eyes, what am I gonna do now? It's a whole different situation now. I can't make the same mistake twice. I can't bear to go through that same painful experience again.

But what if ? What if it could work out? It could right? But what if it's just a figment of my imagination where I'm just hoping that this will be different - even with that nagging feeling that it's obviously not right -but who am I to foresee what the future will hold for both of us. All I know is,I can't go through the same heartbreak again.

It was a moment where I have to choose for the better of my future. As I stood there wondering and thinking, he was still standing there looking at me expectantly. My heart and my mind were in sync at that moment . I knew I didn't need a man to make me who I already am. I am who I am and no one can define that. Be it married, in a relationship or single.

I slowly stepped back and those expectant look in his eyes were immediately replaced with hurt. I didn't mean to hurt him but I couldn't bear to be hurt all over again. I've been thinking about how it would affect others but I did not think about how it would affect my life. For once in my life I wanted to be selfish.

I should care for myself more than I should care for others. After all this is my decision alone and no one can help me but myself. Only I am capable of knowing what is best for myself and that is to accept the fact that I don't need a man to be happy. Regardless how sweet and nice they are because when your heart says you ain't ready then honey you definitely ain't ready.

" I'm sorry " I said as I slowly back away "I just-Wha-we- " I could not find the right words to say afterwards after seeing how broken he looked.

"Why? Is it because of what you said? I can change, I swear" sounding desperate as he grabbed my hand

I try to pry my hands away from him "No, it's not just that"

"Then what is it? Am I not good enough? Do you not love me anymore? Why Jenna? Do I-"

"Because for once I wanna do what is right for me" I said with my voice a little too loud as I try to cut him off " You are and will always be a great friend to me. What we had was really great but I truly don't see a future where you and I will be happy in the long run."

"How do you know we won't be happy in the long run?" He asked slowly standing up. His once hopeful glance turned confused and hurt.

"It's just- I can't - I care for you deeply but..." I couldn't give him a specific reason. I cannot with all my might have a reason good enough, because deep down I just knew I can't continue this on " I think we both need to really think things through. I know I need to take a step back and see the whole picture"

He looked at me confused " What are you talking about?" His tone shifting from confused to a slight accusing tone " Are you seeing someone else? Are you going behind my back?" His voice rising with each word.

"No!" appalled by his accusation "Why would you say something like that? You knew what I went through before this. Do you think I wanna inflict the same pain to someone whom I care deeply"

His face turned with guilt and shame and he sighed "Then why Jenna? Why are you hurting me when you say you care for me?"

"That's not fair" I said frustrated because even I myself can't come out with the right word. I never meant to hurt him but if I continue on with this any longer I'm afraid there would be more damage. God I wish there was a way to make all of this easier where both of us could just let go of each other without the heartbreak.