"...and then I will swallow the words again wishing for the thousandth time that you could read my mind."
Before the three-month span given to Bea to decide came to an end, she was booked to Davao for a short vacation. She surely needs that after all the chaos in the past months. She wants to think for herself and turn away from any possible distractions that might affect her decision.
She settled her luggage at the corner of her hotel room then messaged her parents she has safely arrived. Her view from the 15th floor were cars speeding through the almost empty streets of Davao.
She had a nice dinner at the hotel restaurant and grabbed herself a few cans of beer and chips on the nearest convenience store. She wanted to spend the night thinking, but with something to accompany her in the cold and lonely night - alcohol.
Her mind drifts to Jho - for the nth time since they've taken separate ways. Technically, they stayed friends yet it was a completely different thing from being intimate. She wondered what could Jho be thinking at this moment - was it me? She brushed off the thought, reminding herself how insignificant she is to Jho.
I would never cross her mind.
She felt guilty for having space for Jho in her mind. What they had should be long over, but she finds herself replaying the memories way before Jho told her to look for someone else. She felt like there was something unfinished between them, like what they had never ended.
"Jhoana Louisse hanggang ngayon ba naman, hanggang dito ba naman ikaw pa rin iniisip ko," she whispered then takes a swig of beer.
She chuckled bitterly as soon as she realized that she likes Jho. She lost the game and Jho knew that way before she even comprehended the weird feelings that she has been experiencing.
Why was she being so possessive over Jho when she suddenly pulled a prank on her back in Baguio? Because she wants Jho for her own.
Why does she feel sad whenever Jho turned her down? Because she wants to be around her - all the time.
Why is she the name Jhoana make her heart beat erratically? Simple. She likes Jhoana.
And she has never been this affected by a person in her whole life. She has never given so much importance and attention to someone outside of her family except Jhoana. Oh, she is damn special.
But what could she do, Jho would never even take a chance on her. She was too much of a troublemaker and she had little accomplishments to be proud of and the chances of winning Jho's heart is considered a suicide mission. The idea of them being together is just too improbable.
She decides to call Ara.
She would know what to say about these kinds of stuff, she thought.
In a few rings, Ara answered.
"Dude, napatawag ka?"
"Hi, Victonara. I just have a question," Bea asked nonchalantly, hiding the fact that her body screams with anxiety.
"Nakakatakot ka naman. What is it?"
"How do you know when you're in love? I mean, I get it if you like someone, you're happy when they're around, you're interested in what they do and what they think about but to be in love, what does it feel like?" Bea did not pause to catch her breath.
"Wait a minute, are you saying na baka in love ka?" Ara paused. "Dude! Tinamaan ka agad kay Maddie? Jesus."
She massaged her temples. "Grabe. Hindi noh. I was just asking para naman malaman ko kung totoo na yung feelings ko. You know naman I've never been in love."
