"She drank because that's what the lost and heartbroken do. The only time she'd put her glass down was to refill it. It was her crutch. Her new found love. She wasn't herself without it. And when the bottle was empty, unlike him, there is always more."
Jessica Michelle
It was a horrible routine for Bea in the following weeks – waking up early in the morning, go to class, get herself hurt while attempting to accomplish a task, then go back to the dorm feeling beaten.
Valentines day was a week away and her friends planned a dinner including Maddie, however, she was not in the mood for it or anything that involves socializing. She wants to catch some rest and be alone because school has overwhelmed her and also not being able to talk to Jho made it even worse. Every part of her misses Jho.
"Dude, ano? Aasahan ko kayo ni Maddie next week ha?"
Bea rests her chin on her palms, her bored gaze setting on the stressed Ara. "Dude, to be honest I want to pass."
"Kailan ka pa ba naging ganyan? Kahit-"
"Pagod ako, okay? It's not that I don't want to be with you guys," she explained as calmly as she could.
Ara rubbed her temples in defeat. Bea doesn't really follow other people's orders especially when she's exhausted.
"Alright, pero paano si Maddie?"
She sighed loudly. "I'll talk to her about it. I know she would understand. Alam naman niya na I'm focused on my career ko."
"Okay. Iexplain mo sa kanya ha? She was so excited for Valentines pa naman. Nabanggit niya sa amin."
That troubled her even more. The thing is, she's courting Maddie and lately, she hasn't been making efforts to meet her or talk to her. She was having thoughts about calling it off because she hates disappointing people, most especially the ones who are dear to her.
"Tigilan ko na kaya tong panliligaw ko?" She asked absentmindedly.
"What? Alam mo, pagod ka lang. Padalos dalos ka na eh."
She shook her head then looked at Ara seriously. "Dude, I haven't been the ideal partner to her. I couldn't seem to do things right. She deserves someone better."
"Akala ko ba seryoso ka na?" Ara fired.
"I am." Bea looks up and saw Ara eyeing her suspiciously. "Do you think I'm still playing?"
"No, of course not. Eh kasi ang bilis mo kasing sumuko para namang hindi siya worth hintayin. Do you get me?" Ara was very careful with her choice of words and her tone, afraid that Bea might take it the wrong way.
Realizations hit Bea one by one – it was not because Maddie wasn't worth trying because hell, she possesses the traits that a person would want their partner to have. Who would say no to that? Rather, it's easier to say that she doesn't love Maddie that's why she wouldn't put an effort to earn her yes and no matter how hard she tries to look at Maddie with more meaning, there's no spark, just plain - no excitement, no connection.
Like Kianna.
Alyssa was correct. You can't force something when it's not there especially feelings.
"Maddie is amazing. I like her, Ara..." her voice wavered. "But I couldn't go beyond that. Kahit anong gawin ko I could never get myself to love her kaya siguro ganito ako makapagsalita ngayon," she explained and crossed her fingers that her buddy would understand her.
She received a light pat on the shoulder. "I know you're trying dude and if it's not there, it will never be there. Whatever you want to do, I support you."
