I'm So Sick {BoyxBoy & FIN}

It Just Fucking Hurts.

"What the hell was that, Gabe? A guy kisses you and you don't push away? Regular people don't do that when they met each other, Gabe. God dammit, Gabe, look at me when I'm talking to you!"

I sighed and put my ear phones in my ears. I turned the volume up and tried to think about something else. Shat didn't know the truth. The whole truth. He didn't understand why I didn't push away automatically or why I didn't get mad. I understand Sterek. I understand why he did it and why he cried (sort of).

I guessed Shay couldn't understand why I didn't freak out. I thought Shay would because he's my brother. When I heard Shay's voice screaming through my ears, I took of my earphones and finally burst. "Shay, for the love of God, it isn't serious! Sterek's still my friend and I'm glad he is. You said you was trying to help me, right? Screaming and acting like a dick isn't helping! Stop complaining and accept that Sterek kissed me!"

Shay gave me a puzzled look and then turned into anger. He grabbed my arm to make me stop and got in front of my face.

"What will mom and dad say? They'll kick you out before you know it. They wouldn't like having a son who likes guys, now would they?"

My heart sank and I snatched my arm from his death grip. Shay noticed that I was quiet when I should be screaming at him. "Oh man, Gabe I didn't mean it like that. I-I'm sorry."

"Go to hell," I spat. 

~~~

Shay tried getting to me to talk to him but I couldn't bring myself to say anything. I thought my big brother would be helpful that I was gay or understand that being gay was okay. He touched my shoulder with his cold hand and squeezed lightly. He kept saying "sorry" and "I didn't mean". Bullshit. I heard him sigh and felt him go away. I sighed loudly and shut my eyes tight, trying to forget his body in the bathtub and me holding him to dear life. I blinked back tears and tried to keep any noise hidden but it got the best of me. I screamed into my pillow and gripped the sheets.

Flashes of him were in my mind. The blood, his body, my blue-ish and brown-ish dull, and my screams. It was too much...

It just fucking hurts.

I felt hands pulled me up and turned me over. I opened my eyes to see my mom and dad staring worriedly at me. My mom had my head on her chest and rocking me back and forth. My dad was talking really fast that it sounded gibberish. My mom was singing a song that made me fall asleep but I didn't want to fall asleep. If I fall asleep, I'll see him and I in the bathtub. I didn't want to be in the bathtub. Shay grabbed my hand and touched my forehead with his other forehead.

"I'll be here when you wake up," he whispered.

My eyes rolled back in my head and I let my head hang loosely. He'll be there when I wake up. For the first time, I didn't want him to be there because I know he's not actually there.