The Things We Leave Behind (Gravity Falls Fic)

Chapter 45: Closed for Repair (Part 2)

Saige's POV:

I'm gonna be honest with you guys, the author had no idea how or where to start this chapter. She had closed the last real chapter at such a weird place and now she's just kind of fumbling around, trying to figure out where to begin. A lot happened. But it's okay, I, your trusty neighborhood Saige... er... just Saige... has got you covered. Basically, Dipper and Stanford done goofed. Exactly what I said that I hoped wouldn't happen... happened. Because the author is a brilliant foreshadower! ...er? Gah, clearly I'm not as good with words as I had earlier anticipated. Perhaps I should leave this up to the author after all... well, I'll just start her off with a hearty "crap happened, and now we're in deadly peril" and let her go. Take it away, author!
Let's set the scene. Saige- er, me, I mean, hehe, Dipper, and Stanford are being held captive somewhere in the woods, waiting to have their... our... minds devoured by an evil math-based wizard with a near impossible-to-pronounce name. Just another Saturday afternoon, right? To sum up the day's events leading to our current pickle, the infinity-sided die was accidentally rolled, and it decided that outcome of the day to screw up your fun-filled family game time was to bring the game to life. Long story short, Dipper and Stanford were apparently the smartest people to ever play that nerd game, and so Proba-what's-his-face came up with the brilliant idea to eat their brains. Oh, and he took me too, because three Zombie Specials are better than two, I guess.
Anyway, now we're tied to a tree, and hopefully someone's on their way to save us, because Mr. 99-Problems-And-All-Of-Them-Are-Math disarmed me and now I'm essentially useless. I'd quite appreciate not becoming a meal today. Ah, Bill, if there was ever a time when I actually needed your help... besides... all those... other times.....
Uh... what was I talking about?
Oh, right, the comfort quotient of being tied up against rough, pokey bark in between two despairing geeks. I'm gonna have to say its pretty low. Maybe not exactly 0, like, there's probably worse situations I could be in, but you know. Pretty low.
"What do we do?!" Dipper said from my right, frantic, "What do we do?!"
Stanford scolded him from my left, "Stop thinking, Dipper! The more wrinkly your brain gets, the more he'll want to eat it!"
"Wrinkly...?" I muttered, lost, the image that phrase inspired slightly grossing me out.
"And now," Probabilitor (that's his name, right?) came over to us, "...a little math problem. When I subtract your brain from your skulls..." He conks us all on the top of the head with his staff, "...add salt, and divide your family, what's the remainder?"
When I get out of these ropes, I'll certainly be dividing something from something, I'm tellin' you guys right now, that's for damn sure.
My silent threats were interrupted by Mabel's voice from the bushes, "Your BUTT!"
Probabilitor (come on, that can't really be his name) seemed befuddled, glancing around in confusion, "What? My butt isn't part of this particular equation."
That was when the cavalry arrived. Stanley, Mabel, and Grenda all leaped from the bushes, howling war cries. However, I was too busy trying to come up with an equation that would involve anyone's butt to be excited about it.
"Drat!" Probably-Not-Probabilitor exclaimed.
"Who says drat?" I asked, quietly.
He didn't hear me, "How did you make it past my one guard? Very well. There's only one way your family can save you. YOU must defeat ME in Dungeons, Dungeons, and More Dungeons: REAL LIFE EDITION!"
DUN DUN DUUUUN!
"Woah, woah, woah, are you seriously pulling a Jumanji right now?" I protested.
Probabilitor whips around to face me, "I'm going full Zathura, and there's nothing you three can do about it! In fact... I think you might make some game pieces!" He cackles wildly and waves his arm, a game board appearing on a nearby stump. "I choose my characters-" a couple little ogres appear on the board, "-versus yours!"
Suddenly, the three of us are miniaturized and added to the game board. I could see Dipper and Ford freaking out on the other side of the board from my spot in the tower. Wait... tower...? I look down and realize that I'm apparently some sort of elf princess, dress, tiara, ears and all.
"Well, now, that's just sexist," I yell out my tower window, "Couldn't have made me something cooler? Like... I dunno, a gladiator or an assassin or an AV club member?!" I sigh, looking down at the ogres that were positioned between me and the boys. It was presumed that their job was to get to me.
I looked up at the giants that were milling about around the board as Probabilitater tot (hehe, that's a good one) briefly explained the game, and then, without warning, the game began, and the ogres charged at Ford and Dip.
"Guys, watch out!" I yelled on instinct, leaning uselessly out the tower window. Lucky for me, Mabel helped Stanley bring out his imagination side and he cast a shield over the boys. I sighed with relief.
Realizing that there was nothing I could actually do, I rested my chin in my palm and watched them struggle to defeat the ogres and reach me, Mabel and Stanley conducting their fate with rolls of the dice and bullcrap spells pulled out of nowhere else but their own minds. Eventually, Ford and Dipper make their way into the bottom of the tower on the back of a... horse thing... but then are followed in by something called an Impossibeast. I lose sight of them as now they are directly below my floor, which is locked from the outside, so I resort to yelling encouraging comments through the sealed trap door.
The next part was a blur. Something about stupid good luck and then I think there were some muffins involved...? I'm not sure. I couldn't quite hear through the stone walls of the tower, and everything seemed to happened just out of my line of sight. I really hope that something happens soon where I can prove I'm not as worthless as I seem, because so far, all I've been is the damsel in distress. Literally, in this case.
Anyway, after the muffins thing happened, whatever that was, and the boys crashed through the trap door for a tear-jerking reunion with their princess, Dipper, Stanford, and I were all poofed back to normal size, and I looked down at my very out-of-season and very not-dressy black hoodie and nearly cried tears of joy. My ears were round and my head wore no crown; I was me again. Aaaand I had done nothing to earn it.
...yay, go me!
A man that I hadn't previously noticed was there (with pointed ears and a very affectionate Grenda clinging to him) pronounced the game over, and Proba-whatever began to disappear, along with the game, "No! I'm returning to my own realm! I'm turning into pure math! What are the ooooodddsss??"
I cleared my throat, "The odds are even."
Everyone paused to stare at me and my extremely obscure reference and I just flashed them all an innocent smile and a thumbs up.
Anyway, after all that crazy happened, the rest of the Mystery Shack crew headed back home to watch the finale of Duck-tective. But I bid them farewell and took Cassie home to put her to bed early that night. For some reason, today had put things into perspective for me. I realized that... While it is nice to have friends and family around... It's okay to be alone once in a while.
I tucked Cassiopeia into bed in the spare room downstairs and then headed into the kitchen for a late night snack and to finish the dishes, for once not minding the quiet.
But that quiet was shattered when a voice from behind me said, "You looked ravishing in that dress."