The List

Chapter Twenty Two

Something changed between Rhett and me last night; something that scares me. I could feel it the entire night, as we danced chest to chest across the dance floor. I can feel the line between being friends and something more becoming blurred. The way his arm wrapped around my waist, even when we weren't dancing, set off an explosion of butterflies in my stomach. Each kiss seemed a little deeper, a little more meaningful. A piece of my heart wants to hold on to this as tight as I can and never let him go, but my brain reminds me otherwise. I know we should slow down, to not cross that line. I can't decide who I should be listening to. I see his face in my mind, and all I can think about is us, and our future together.

I shake that thought from my head as I drive the long and lonely drive to the medical center. My heart race with anxiety for the results of each test today. I want Rhett here with me, to hold my hand and ease the restlessness inside of me. I remind myself there's a reason he isn't here he doesn't know how sick I was before. No one outside my family and Nathan knows about the cancer.

Twelve years old and told I had leukemia was one of the hardest days of my life. The month I turned fifteen, we received word the cancer was gone, with little chance of coming back. They told me if I made it five years cancer free, there was no chance of it coming back. Here I am nineteen years old, four years later, and about to find out if I will make it to that fifth year cancer free. Every year after, I had appointments where they test my blood cells to see if it returned. I wipe away a tear from my face, this wasn't what I had planned for my freshman year of college.

I pull into the visitors parking lot five minutes till nine. I take my time walking inside the building, trying to imagine how Rhett's hand feels when our fingers are intertwined to settle my nerves. I approach the front desk and a woman greets me with a smile.

"Name and doctor you're appointment is with?" She asks, continuing to smile at me.

"Carrigan James, with Doctor Grady at nine."

"Right on time." She says, standing from her desk. "Let me set you up in one of his rooms."

She leads me down a bright hallway, where I can see other children with their parents talking to doctors. I try to focus my attention forward, ignoring families tears of joy and fear. When she opens the door to his room, Doctor Grady is already waiting for me.

"Glad to see you made it, Ms. James." He greets. "Shall we begin?"

I nod my head. "Anything to find out that I'm okay."

"That's the spirit." He cheers.

The first step is taking a sample of my blood, so the lab can run tests on my and white blood cell count; this is where we'll find out if I'm sick or not."

After seven years of blood draws, I don't even flinch when the needle breaks my skin. Next come the ultrasounds.  He leads me down a long, cold, hallway. My palms are twitching at my sides. When he finally opens the door, I see the machine I grew accustomed to seeing once I turned twelve. I forgot how dark and intimidating these rooms used to be. There's a single light above the chair, glass windows make up the entirety of the walls, and the ultra sound machine beside a stool. It's something you would see out of a medical horror story.

The nurse hands me a remote and smiles. "Feel free to pick a TV show or a movie. This will take at least an hour."

I nod my head, too afraid to speak, and lay back in the chair. I flip through the movie channels, anxiously, until I settle with The Notebook; one of my favorites and a good distraction from what's to come. The light clicks of and Doctor Grady walks back in. The gown I am wearing is lifted to show my chest, as a cold gel is placed in several spots across my torso. The ultrasound is started, as he keeps his eyes glued to the screen beside him. I focus my attention towards the movie, watching the love between Noah and Allie bloom.