The List

Chapter Thirty One

I didn't get any sleep last night. After talking with my dad, all I could think of was her. I longed for her warmth reaching for me in her sleep. Her eyes haunted my dreams, startling me awake every time I was staring into them. I ended up climbing out of bed and taking my bike for a drive through town. I drive well over the posted limit, trying to get the feeling of her arms around my waist the first time we rode together. I can still feel the tightening of her grip when I took the turn too sharp. The sound of her high pitch squeal rings through my ears when I stepped on the gas out of the dorm parking lots. No matter where I go, even a thousand miles away, I can't escape her.

I've never felt like this before. I've never been so consumed by a single person, never felt like I lost my will to breathe because they took every last breath from my lungs. Even when my mom died I never felt this low, I never allowed myself to feel a damn thing. Then this stubborn, beautiful, and unforgettable girl comes into my life and I somehow forget how to breath until she smiles at me.

I get back to the house shortly after five in the morning, and collapse on the couch, finally feeling the exhaustion take over. The next time I wake up is after three o'clock. Tommy talks me into going to see a movie to keep my mind busy. Thankfully it works until I am back home with my dad as we watch Sons of Anarchy reruns. We used to love watching this when I was in high school, but now I can't even focus on what's happening. I spend most of the time scrolling through my phone staring at the pictures she and I took together. My fingers scan the delete button, ready to get rid of her memories, but my cowardice takes over and I move on to the next one. I glance up from the phone and see my dad is smiling. It reminds me of how happy he used to be with my mom.

"Dad?" I question. "What was it like being with mom?"

He pauses the TV before turning his attention to me. "Before or after we got married?"

"Both I guess." I shrug.

He chuckles and smiles. "Well before she got sick we were happy, the happiest I have ever felt. We met when I was in medical school. She was a patient at the hospital I was interning at. When I first saw her, I had to remind myself how to breathe because of how beautiful she was. She told me her name was Maria; she was waiting for her husband to show up."

My eyes widen and dad laughs at me. Not once did he or mom ever mention the fact that she was married before.

"Were they getting divorced?"

"No." He sighs. "They weren't, but we started a friendship anyway. She worked close to the hospital and came out to have lunch with me a few days out of the week. We talked and got to know each other. After a few weeks she confided in me how unhappy she was in her marriage. After two years of marriage they just stopped loving each other, but were too afraid of getting out of it. I tried to convince myself we were strictly friends, but I couldn't stop falling for her even if I wanted to. She had this beauty that came without even trying, and a heart of pure gold; I didn't even stand a damn chance. A few months later, we were sitting in the on call room as I studied for my boards, when she kissed me."

"She made the first move?" I question.

Dad smiles." I loved the hell out of her, but she was still a married woman."

I've always wondered, but never thought to ask about how they met. Never in my wildest dreams did I think it would have been like this. Mom married and my dad in love with the woman he could never have. The way he described her had me picturing Carrigan, right down to not standing a chance against ignoring the true feelings.

"What happened after she kissed you?"

His face turns a bright shade of red. "One thing led to another and I didn't see her for a few weeks after that. When I finally did see her, she showed up at my apartment sobbing with divorce papers in her hand and a positive pregnancy test."