The List

Chapter Thirty Four

Rhett

I hate leaving while she's still asleep, but I need to get to my room, before anyone finds me in here. I place a quick kiss to her temple, and manage to leave a note telling her I love her. I'll say it a million times if i have to; whatever it takes for her to realize I won't lose this again.

Their mom stands before me as I exit Carrigan's room, quietly. Her hands rest on her hips and a cold glare takes over her entire face. My instincts tell me to walk around her, but she only follows my movements.

"What were you doing in her room?" She questions.

"Carrigan is an adult; she can make her own decisions." I spit out, moving around her.

"She can do better than you." She spits in my face, blocking the doorway.

"I know that!" I yell back at her. "Any girl can do better than the worthless little boy that lost his mom, so he turned to sleeping around to make himself feel better. Is that what you want to hear?"

Erika crosses her arms against her chest, and leans into the door. "Don't throw yourself a pity party at my expense."

My fists ball at my sides, wishing she was a man and not their mother, so I could deck her just once. "You have done nothing but judge me, with your eyes, since I got here. You can think, all you want, that you know me but you don't."

My voice raises, and I have to remind myself not to wake anybody up. I've been judged my whole life, because of the choices I make, and I'll be damned if I let this woman say she knows who I am. She knows of stories, my mistakes, but that doesn't mean a damn thing.

"Why can't you just see that she doesn't want to be with you?" She questions. "She's ignored you, and pushes you away since she got here."

"Because I hurt her." I spit out. "I made a stupid, stupid mistake. I said things I didn't mean, and I destroyed the friendship I built with Carrigan. She is the only good thing that keeps me going these days."

"You know she might die, don't you?"

Her words cut through me like a knife. That's my biggest fear; losing her for good. I know what this disease does, better than most people do. I lost the strongest woman I know to cancer, and now I could lose the only girl I've ever loved to the same thing.

I shake my head at their mother and let my head fall. This is the truth I try to ignore. I don't want to think about the possibility of waking up and hearing she's gone. Nightmares of that day have haunted my sleep since that dreaded day she broke the news.

"I have to try." I sigh. "I love her, and I just need her to see that."

"How can you possibly know what love is?" She questions. "You've never felt it before."

I roll my eyes and get in her face. "Because I watched my dad take care of my mom for five years while she battled her disease, that's love. Because every time I had a bad day, I'd go see that girl and she'd make me smile without even trying to. Because the first time we went to a party, I saw her in red and I said she looked good in red. And you know what? She wore red so many times after that, that red became my favorite color. Because, unlike you, she chose to get to know me before judging me. Because she sees me in a way that no one ever has; she sees me as something good. I've broken a lot of hearts, and I will admit that I'm not a good guy, at least I wasn't until I met her."