The List

Chapter Thirty Seven

I wake up feeling lightheaded the morning of Christmas Eve. I slowly climb out of bed, gripping the edges as I wait for all of the blood to rush down to my feet. It feels like I am spinning inside of a tornado, and I can't stop it. I ignore the feeling, knowing vertigo is a side effect of my treatment and I rise to standing.

Rhett lays asleep beside me. We watched part one of The Deathly Hallows last night, before we both went sound asleep, wrapped in each other's embrace. Having him here has made everything peaceful. Even against my wishes, he has proved to me just how much he loves me. The last eight days he has been by my side, driving me to treatment, an appointment, holding my hair back as I continuously threw up, and found all of the right words to turn this mucky situation into something okay. I have a long, hard, fight ahead but he makes me want to keep going.

I glance back at him and smile as the dizziness slowly fades away. When he sleeps, is the easiest time for me to admit how hopelessly in love with him I am. My smile quickly fades as I realize today is the day I have to decide what happens between us. Liam gave me the ultimatum: decide where I want this to go, or Rhett leaves and I never hear from him again. As I stand in the shower, I find this choice to be the hardest I've ever had to make.

I could stay and tell Rhett I love him and we would be together. We would be perfect together. He'd be by my side throughout anything life threw at us. When I picture a future, cancer free, I know he's the one who I want standing beside me. He's kind, strong, brave, and an altogether beautiful person with a heart full of love. My only, biggest, fear, is the what if I die? It's been racking my brain for weeks. I can't stand the thought of losing this fight and leaving him behind. He would be devastated, shattered, and could become who he was before me. It's incredibly selfish of me, but I wouldn't want him to move on either. The thought alone of him with someone else makes my stomach churn. Then again, a man with a heart like that deserves to find a girl to share it with.

If I decide to let him leave here, without me, I don't think either of us would ever recover. Losing him would make this fight for nothing. He makes me want to live again. I have a long list of things left to do, but only if he's the one by my side. But, I don't want to hold him back. He has a dream to play professional baseball, and I refuse to get in the way of that. He deserves a life full of adventure and accomplishment. Being with a sick girl, could make all of those dreams he's been chasing vanish.

"What do I do?" I whisper into the steam of the shower.

When the steam has faded, I step out of the shower feeling the wave of vertigo come back full force. I grip onto the edge of the sink for support and lean my head over the toilet. The door doesn't open as I throw up; no one comes rushing inside to check on me.

"Rhett." I whine, pulling my knees to my chest.

The door opens, and a groggy Rhett stands before me. The exhaustion is cleared from his face when he sees me on the bathroom floor, in only my towel.

"Are you okay?" He questions, quickly kneeling beside me. "What happened?"

"I think I overdid it in the shower." I confess. "The water was too hot."

He nods his head, and grabs a rag from the edge of the tub to press against my forehead.

"Do you need anything?" He asks, his hands gently holding onto my arms.

I shake my head. "I'm sorry I woke you up; I don't know why I instantly thought of calling you."

Rhett just smiles softly. "I'm glad you did. Can you stand?"