The List

Chapter Thirty Six

Liam walks in as Rhett and I are halfway through The Goblet of Fire. Day two of movie watching, five days left with Rhett here. He was so surprised when I said I'd never seen any of the Harry Potter movies, and decided we'd spend the next few days watching all of them. My head rests on his chest and his fingers run through my hair. This is as close as we get.

He's kept true to his word and hasn't made a single move on me. I'm half disappointed, wishing he would just kiss me. But, I'm still set on the fact that we can't be together. It's killing both of us being this close, but not able to touch each other the way we want to. The tension in the air is thick, waiting for one of us to cave in and make the first move.

When the door opens, Rhett's fingers still and my head lifts off his chest. Liam smiles softly at me, but the look on his face says he's in a mood.

"Rhett, do you mind if I talk to Cari alone for a few minutes?" He questions.

Rhett nods his head. "Yeah, I'll go see what Nate's up to."

He climbs off the bed, smiling back at me and pausing in the doorway. "You better pause that movie, or I'll be pissed if you watch it without me."

I smile and roll my eyes, but do as he says. I don't think I even want to watch it without him being here with me. I sit up and cross my legs as Liam sits beside me.

"What are you doing to him?" He demands.

"What are you talking about?" I ask, confused.

"Why is he in here watching moves with you? Why is your head on his chest? And why is all of this happening with you being so selfish that you won't open up to him?" Liam's voice remains calm, despite the veins bulging in his forehead.

I lower my head to avoid his hard stare. I know what I am doing to Rhett is completely selfish. Opening up to him is my biggest fear. Once he finds out the reason why I can't let us be together, he'll fight it. He'll try to persuade me otherwise. He'll say what I want to hear, but it won't fix the fact that I am sick.

My doctor says the treatments are doing their jobs, and I'm looking better and better each week, but nothing is certain with Leukemia. My body could decide to stop responding and we won't know what to do next. It's the unknown that keeps me up all night. The unknown of if I'll wake up the next morning, if my treatment continues to work, if I get so sick that I have to be hospitalized. Worse than that, it's that Rhett will wake up and realize he can be without me, and he'll leave without a second goodbye.

"I don't know what to do Liam." I confess. "I want him here, but I can't want him."

"Why, Carrigan?" He questions. "Why is it so hard for you to admit how hopelessly in love with him you are?"

I shake my head, blocking out the sound of Liam's voice. "Because I can't love him!"

"Why?" Liam screams at me. "You haven't given me a fucking reason, Carrigan! All I've heard are your damn excuses, and I'm tired of it!"

With how loud Liam's voice has become, I'm afraid of someone coming through those doors ready to take him on. But the doors remain shut.

"You don't understand, Lee." I sob. "No one understands how hard this is for me."

"Then explain!" Liam sighs. "You don't let anyone in when you're sick, sad, hurt, angry, tired, anything. We're all on our toes waiting for you to say something."

I look up at my big brother letting my tears fall down my face. "Rhett says I'm all he has."

"What's so wrong with that?" Liam questions, his voice soft.