Thoughtful Rhymes

Attempt

A pen and a knife,
Both to end your life,
Your adrenaline is running,
You know others are coming,
You won't win this strife.

Blinded by the light,
I turned over so slight,
To look through the window,
And spot a blurry doe,
The rest was covered with night.

My head was filled with nightmares,
Of me not being theirs,
Their faces all blurry,
While I was crying and yelling sorry,
We could no longer be pairs.

I'm sorry for wanting more,
I should've known what would've come in store,
I see that I was selfish,
Now I only want to wish,
That things wouldn't have become as poor.

This is something I never wanted,
I just wish it could've worked,
The soil too dry when I planted my seeds into it,
The flower petals and stem kept getting bit,
The hits were too much and got me killed.

The reason why this is called attempt is because there are 2 different attempts made in this poem. One being caused by the other. What do you think they are?