Broken Faith ✓

Chapter 9: Understanding

I was sitting in English not really paying attention. Something was eating away at me. And no this time it wasn't Ryder or his cheeky comments that he dropped here and there.

I mentally sighed in exhaustion for letting him into my head when he hadn't even opened his mouth in this lesson as of yet.

Something was gnawing at my heart. My mind was occupied today with sadness. I didn't like it but it happened sometimes. Days when the pretence I was holding up even to myself, my mind wouldn't accept.

It wouldn't let me pretend and escape on these days, and everything that had ever happened in my life would flash in front of my eyes at various times tumbling on me like a tonne of bricks that I could never lift up. They were cemented to me holding me down from flying like Gran said I should.

I winced. I had to try and at least clear my thoughts. When the teacher had finished talking I buried myself in my work intentionally so I couldn't notice or hear or even think of anything but the analysis we were having to do on Hamlet. I immersed myself in the Shakespearian world of pain to escape my own. How ironic was this test called life? My heart was looking to clutch onto anything, any moment that would provide my heart with solace. But using my pain to understand Hamlet's circumstances at least helped to analyse everything in depth.

There was silence. Rory wasn't in and I was glad for the silence. I don't think I would be able to handle my anger today. I was holding on to my emotions as hard as I could but they were slipping out of my hands. They were threatening to emerge from under the surface and I had managed to suppress them but all it would take was one moment and I knew they would come out.

On days like this it was hard hiding from the world what my heart wanted to scream to it. It was hard suppressing my anguish and screams from the ears of the world. But with silence came no expectations and no effort which meant no chances for my emotions to spill out.

"Urgh"

"What's wrong?" I asked.

Funny wasn't it? I was asking someone what was wrong with them but this heart wrenching pain reminded me moment to moment that I wouldn't even want my enemies to feel this pain. See physical pain everyone could see and everyone rushed to fix and heal. But emotional pain? Nobody saw it, nobody knew who needed healing or fixing and I had vowed to myself that if someone was in emotional pain I would help them because it was bad enough I had to live with this. But I couldn't accept that someone else had to face this without healing. If it didn't lessen my pain, I could at least survive knowing someone else's pain was lessened.

"I'm just frustrated, my mum got really angry at me this morning." Ryder replied.

"Why?" Gone were my sarcastic and sharp answers. My pain softened me so I wouldn't fight as much.

"I think she was angry or worried about something because she just started yelling about how I left a dish in the sink or something. I wasn't really paying attention because she does this sometimes."

I nodded "But don't you think you should help her out or something if she is so worried?"

"I've never thought of that; I just usually stay out of the way you know. Let her get it out of her system but keep her at arm's length so I don't receive the blow too badly."

"Maybe if you helped she wouldn't be so worried, maybe it would lessen her worries. That way she may not even shout."

"Fair point." He smiled but I looked away and brought my head down to look at the work. I couldn't take smiles today. Not today.