Broken Faith ✓

Chapter 28: Mine to Keep

I sat there and watched out of the glass paned window, a collection of birds soaring higher into the sky.

I wondered if what I was feeling was because I had been so desparate to feel love, any sort of love in my life. Was this all really natural or did I materialise these feelings of love and need in myself because Ryder was the first and only person to pay any heed to me?

I watched as the birds soared together, flying high and dropping suddenly to lower heights. Wherever they went, they went together. Delving through the hues of blue and yellow of the sun lit skies dabbed with white puffs.

I shook my head. I had to remind myself that this self-doubt was all just a culmination of the dark times I had been through. My depression that I had fought and survived, trying to pinch my happiness.

But I saw past the illusion the sun was. I knew that although the sun rose again, it did not always bring a less painful and, in turn, brighter day in every sense of the word. Sometimes, it didn't matter how bright the sun was shining, the pain was raw slicing deep inside of you. And the sun had the power to shine down on your wounds drying them out but making them so sore to touch and try and heal.

It was hard to know whether I was creating this love inside of me because I knew Ryder would keep me safe. Was that it?

I shook my head as my eyebrows furrowed deeply. I placed my fingertips on my temples trying to calm my overthinking, racing mind. That couldn't be it. I saw what Ryder felt for me. It shone in his eyes earnestly. And what I felt ran so deep it would often over-ride my natural instincts to protect myself.

Still, it was hard to convince myself otherwise when there was a voice inside telling me I was desparate, so very desparate. And as much as I willed myself not to, I somewhere deep down believed it.

My head was a mess of tangled tumbling thoughts, all overlapping each other, speaking over each other. Their echoes growing louder and louder until I didn't know what was truth and what were the voices trying to dissuade me.

I sighed in frustration and leaned forward until my head was resting against the cold glass of the window which I hoped would cool my racing and overworking mind. I breathed heavily, drawing in so much oxygen to try and calm myself as my breath fogged up the glass.

Why was this happening? Why was my past trying to ruin my present? When I finally felt free, when I was finally feeling like I could walk barefoot in the grass and let myself go, let my guard down and smile, why was there a dark shadow nearing me? And as it neared me why did it suddenly cause the sun in my life to disappear and bring in dark, thunderous clouds that stole my smile?

I didn't and couldn't understand why this was happening. I felt nervous and agitated. Like I should get up and run a mile to get rid of this feeling inside of me.

The eerie silence blanketing over my house did little to comfort me. It was as if it was mocking me, aggravating my fears and doubts. I felt like I couldn't breathe.

I clutched the soft wool fabric of my worn red jumper at my chest and heaved breaths into my body while screwing my eyes shut.

I suddenly dropped to the ground and drew my knees into my chest as I sat upright and clutched my hair.

"Please, stop. I just want to be happy. Why is this so hard?" I cried into the silence.

I hugged my knees tighter until I was gripping my arms wrapped around them as tight as I could.

Everything slowed down, melting away.

I had managed to lull myself into a calm of sorts. Even if it was a hollow and artificial calm, I was no longer breathing heavily and my mind was no longer screaming with churning thoughts.