Almost Feels Like Always (COMPLETED)

HUDSON (TWENTY SIX)

I OPENED my eyes and a fresh flowery scent filled my nose as soon as I came to my senses. I scanned the whole room. White walls, white ceiling... Damn. I'm still in the hospital? How long was I asleep? Coz I feel like I slept forever. And it's still not enough.

Hindi ako gumalaw nang maramdamang may katabi ako sa kama. All I see is white. I looked up and saw Autumn's beautiful face. She's more beautiful when she's asleep. I noticed that she's still in her usual white uniform. She came here from school? Gusto kong mainis. I told her not to come here when she has classes.

I tried not to move kahit na medyo nangangawit ako. Ayaw kong maistorbo ang tulog niya. Kaya lang ang lakas talagang makaramdam ng isang 'to at hindi pa man lumilipas ang tatlong minuto ay bumukas na ang kanyang mga mata. It's like she knew I'm already awake. She found my eyes and gave me a small but sweet smile.

"Hi..." She said in a raspy voice. "You want anything?"

I smiled back at her before shaking my head. "I just want more sleep."

Hinawakan niya ang likod ng ulo ko at dinala 'yun sa kanyang dibdib. Pinulupot niya ang isang braso sa leeg ko habang nakahawak ang isang kamay niya sa mukha ko. She caressed my cheek before her hand went up to stroke my hair. Feels like heaven.

"Why didn't you go home after school?" I lowly asked.

"Because I wanna be with you, silly."

"But I told you to—"

"I like you better when you're asleep and mute."

Imbis na mainis ay natawa na lang ako. Binaon ko lalo ang mukha sa kanyang dibdib. I loved it so much whenever she holds me like this. I love resting my head on her shoulder, on her chest, on her stomach, and on her lap. Those were my favorite places to run to when the world gives me bullshit.

I love hearing and feeling her heartbeat. Listening to the rhythm of her breathing is just one of the things I'm in love with about her. I just... I love it. God, I love her.

I remember how terrified I was on the night of the accident. The memory of the never-ending darkness was still fresh in my mind. I remember how I wanted to hold onto her that moment. And I was terrified because I thought I wouldn't be able to touch her again. I thought it was the end for me and I don't want it to end yet.

There's still so many things I wanna do with her...so many things I wanna do for her. There's still words I want to tell her. I haven't even proved to her yet how much I'm head over heels for her. I still want to marry her. And thinking about vanishing from this world without doing all of those broke my heart.

But most importantly, I was terrified of dying because I don't wanna leave Autumn here alone, heartbroken. I can't imagine the pain and the agony she would go through. I can't imagine her crying her soul out for me, wishing I was still alive or hoping she could turn back the time. I don't want her to regret and blame herself. I don't wanna put her through that kind of devastation.

Naalala ko ang mga sinabi niya noong manood kami ng A Walk To Remember para sa midterm project namin. She cried. She cried because she doesn't want that to happen to her. She doesn't wanna be left alone like Landon. Tandang-tanda ko ang bawat salitang sinabi niya noon. I remember her face while saying those words. I remember the sadness in her eyes. 

Paano na lang kung talagang nawala ako at naiwan siya dito at—shit. Hindi ko kayang isipin.

"H?" I heard Autumn's worried voice. "Are you okay? Are you in pain?"

Umiling ako. "No." It came out almost a whisper.

"Why are you crying then?"

I'm crying?