Almost Feels Like Always (COMPLETED)

HUDSON (THIRTY FIVE)

NAG-SALIN ako sa baso ng panibagong shot ng cognac. Nabitin sa ere ang bote nang makaramdam ako ng tapik sa likod. Natigilan ako. I put down the bottle of Hennessy. Hindi ko na kailangang lumingon dahil naupo na si Lolo sa tabi ko.

"Why are you drinking alone?"

Umiling ako. "Wala, Lolo. Nagpapaantok lang."

Tiningnan niya ako na may nagtatanong na mga mata. "But you're okay?"

I look at him in the eyes. If there's anyone in this world who could understand me, it was my Lolo. Pinagaralan kong mabuti ang ekspresyon ng mukha niya, tinatantiya kung dapat ko na bang sabihin sa kanya ang tumatakbo sa isip ko. Well, I think I should. It would only get worse if I prolong the situation.

"I have to tell you something, Lo..."

Kumuha siya ng isang rock glass at itinulak 'yun palapit sa'kin. As if asking me to pour him a drink. So I did. He threw me a glance. "Spill it."

I licked my lower lip. Humigpit ang hawak ko sa baso. This would be disrespectful to Penelope's side. I should tell her first but I have to ask permission from Lolo. "I-I don't think I can marry Penelope anymore. I want out of the agreement."

Hindi ko alam kung dapat ba akong kabahan na wala man lang akong nakitang bakas ng pagkagulat o pagtataka sa kanyang mukha. It seemed like he was expecting it.

"Anong problema?" Mahinahon niyang tanong.

Humugot ako ng malalim na hininga. "I... I spent a night with Autumn... I don't think I could still marry Penelope after that. I cheated on her."

"Are you sure that it was because of that?"

I creased my brows at him, confused. "What do you mean?"

"Exactly what I said." Tinitigan niya ako ng mataman matapos niyang damputin ang rock glass sa counter top. Dinala niya 'yun malapit sa kanyang bibig. "Sigurado ka bang 'yun ang dahilan kung bakit ayaw mo ng magpakasal? O baka naman may ibang dahilan?"

I just got more confused. "I don't get it, Lolo. I was so guilty. Halos hindi ko na kayang harapin si Penelope. It would break her heart if she finds out."

"Sure would. But what if she forgave you? Penelope is a nice woman. And she loves you. I'm so sure she would forgive you. Will you pursue with the wedding kung sakaling patawarin ka nga niya?"

Now that got me fucked up. I was shaken by his question because I don't know the answer to that, to be honest. "I've made a huge mistake, Lolo. Penelope doesn't deserve that. She deserve better."

"O baka naman naghahanap ka lang ng rason?" Naghahamong tanong niya. But he didn't sound mad. "Maybe you don't wanna marry Penelope just for the reason that you did her wrong? Maybe you don't wanna marry her because you still love someone else."

I was taken aback. But, come on. That wasn't really shocking. Because I know in myself that I still love Autumn. She's the only one I loved ever since. That just scared me a bit because I realized it now. I was pushing that thought at the back of my mind for the longest time. I've been denying it but now that somebody said it, I couldn't refuse or reject the reality anymore.

It was already right in front of me.

But unlike before, I wasn't mad anymore to think that yes, she's still the one. Hindi na ako nasasaktan. Siguro ay dahil natanggap ko na ng maluwag sa puso at isip ko. Dahil nasabi ko na sa kanya ang lahat. Dahil nakuha ko na ang closure na gusto ko.

"Maybe you were right, Lo." I gave him a weak smile. "Baka nga naghahanap lang ako ng rason. Baka nga hindi ko lang maamin sa sarili ko na mahal ko pa rin si Autumn kaya hindi ko na magawang pakasalan si Penelope. And you know what? That's not just a 'maybe'. It's always been her at tanggap ko na 'yun ngayon."