She's Not Afraid

"I Couldn't Go Home"

Sofia's hand was gripped In Louis as they ran through the hospital doors. Sofia couldn't even think straight; she was surprised she had gotten them safely there at all. She couldn't remember the last time there had been a drive by or a hit, and she couldn't stop herself from worrying about Eleanor, as Louis mumbled prayers and words next to her in the passenger seat. Sofia saw Ella rush towards them, but she wasn't sure what was being said as Louis rushed off with, she was too busy counting heads. She saw Liam and Dani, and Emily, but Zayn, Harry, and Niall were nowhere to be seen.

"Oh thank God," Emily sobbed, as she rushed into Sofia's arms, who accepted the embrace.

"What happened?" Sofia croaked out, as she watched Louis talk to her brother.

"I don't know, I don't know," Emily hissed, "We were meeting Daisy and Danny for food, Danielle didn't want to cook. We were all just walking along the road, and all of a sudden there were gun shots... It all happened so fast; there were so many yells and screams. I was on the ground, I didn't see anything..."

"Where is everyone?" Sofia hissed, "I thought only El got hit..." Emily opened her mouth, but didn't have time to respond, because Zayn was walking towards them. He had blood on his clothes, and the sight made Sofia sick, because this whole thing was all too familiar.

It was only a few months ago, that she was rushing into the hospital doors with Louis as they followed Harry in. It was only months ago that Emily was sobbing on her, asking her what she was thinking and what she was going to do if something happened to Harry. It was just months ago that Zayn had Harry's blood on him, because he was trying to stop him from bleeding out. So, as Zayn walked toward them, Sofia felt them overwhelming sense of anxiety pass through her, and she felt her heart pound. The desire to run the opposite way came over her, because she had already done this once. They had already all lived through this once, and she didn't want to do it again.

"What is going on?" she croaked out, as Zayn approached them, she couldn't help but stare at the blood.

"I think they're taking El into surgery, Danny is back with Daisy – their giving her some meds to calm her down before they check her out I think. And I don't know where they took Harry – the won't tell me –"

"Harry was hit?" Sofia gasped, looking up at Zayn in horror. She felt the room spin, and her heart stop. This could not be happening again.

"I don't know," Zayn said, "Everything happened so fast, I don't know who actually got hit, or who just got hurt trying to protect someone or something. I think Harry was the one who went to protect Eleanor. I was trying helping Danielle out, she hit her head pretty badly – that's where the blood is from, and David was scared to death..."

"Oh my God," Sofia gasped, as the room really did start to spin this time, "Not again, this can't be happening again..." Her breath was starting to get short, and the room fuzzy as she tried to control the anxiety that was beating down on her.

"Sofia..." Zayn said quietly, trying to reach for her, "It's o –"

"DON'T SAY IT'S OKAY," Sofia screeched, as she grabbed her chest, trying to calm her heart down, "This isn't okay!"

Sofia didn't even know what she was doing, as she turned and ran in the opposite direction. She heard people call after her, but their voices were so far away in her head. They sounded like echoes almost. She didn't know how her feet were carrying her, she felt like she was being suffocated. She couldn't see anything, as she ran down the crowded hallways, just hoping to get away from everything that the waiting room had to hold. She couldn't breathe, she couldn't think, she couldn't see. She was going to be sick, and she thought her heart might come out of her chest if she didn't get it to stop pounding.

Where's my medicine? She thought to herself. She couldn't remember. She didn't think she brought it in with her, It was probably still out in the car. She would never make it out to the car. She cursed at herself, as she put her hands against the wall, and began gasping for air. She closed her eyes tight, but that didn't stop the tears from streaming down her face.

"Not again, oh god please, not again..." she begged quietly to herself, as she tried to catch her breath. She was sobbing now, as the room spun around her, and she gasped for air. She really thought she might be sick, or pass out. Actually, passing out seemed more likely, she was totally ready to welcome the darkness. She was still gasping and sobbing, and close to screaming when a pair of strong, tight arms grabbed her from behind.

"It's okay, you're alright," his Irish accent said, and if Sofia could sight in relief she would have. He held her right, pulling her towards him. His chin resting on her shoulder, as he whispered in her ear.

"Breathe, Sofia," he said gently, his voice almost sounding like a lullaby, "It's okay, I got you, you're okay..." Her breathing was starting to regulate again, the room had stop spinning a bit, or at least it was slowing down.

"Come on, just keep breathing, that's it..." he coaxed her gently in her ear, still holding her tight. She could finally sigh with relief, and her breathing started to steady considerably. She continued to breathe as Niall whispered to her, coaching her through it. When she was finally able to turn to him, she threw herself into his arms, and buried her face into his neck. He held her tight, hugging her, not saying anything, but just letting her cry silently on him.

"Come on, Sof," he finally said, "No time for tears, we have to go find everybody. We should all be together for this. Come one, you ready to go back?"

Sofia looked up at him, "Is this my fault? Danielle didn't want to make dinner because I left, did I cause this?"

"No," Niall said sternly, looking down at her, "You didn't do this. And no one is going to blame you for anything, unless you walk away when we really need you. And right now, we really need you..." Sofia nodded at him, as though finally understanding what they had been trying to tell her all day. His blue eyes melted into hers, and there was a basic understanding between the two.

"Let's go back..." she said quietly, allowing him to lead her back to where everyone was.


***


"Just do what you have to do to save my wife," Louis was saying to the doctor, as Niall and Sofia walked in. Liam, Emily, Ella, Danielle, and Zayn were all standing around him.

"So you don't want us to try and save the fetus?" the Doctor asked, which caught Sofia's attention, as she hurried over to them.

"You said that's a riskier surgery, and it would take longer," Louis said, "You said that it might not work, I just need Eleanor to be okay. We can have another baby, I just need you to save her."

Sofia could hear the desperation and sadness in his voice. He had silent tears running down his face, and Liam seemed to be the only thing holding him up, with his arm around him. Louis seemed lost and like he didn't know what to do, so he was just trying to do what he thought was best.

"Okay," the doctor agreed, as he turned to walk away.

"No!" Sofia protested, making the doctor turn back around, and everyone stare at her.

"Sofia –" Liam scolded, but she ignored him.

"You have to try and save that baby," Sofia said, as she stared at the doctor.

"Sofia, be quiet," Louis hissed

"No, listen to me!" Sofia screeched, "You have to try and save that baby. Eleanor is in love with that baby. And if she wakes up, and she has lost the baby, she'll never be the same..." Tears were cascading down her cheeks, as she talked to the doctor, never breaking eye contact.

"You have to do what you can to make sure that they are both okay," she whispered.

"That surgery is much more riskier," the doctor said to her.

"So do it!" Sofia hissed, "Just do it right!"

"Sofia enough!" Louis scolded her loudly, his voice annoyed. Sofia turned to him, tears still coming.

"Louis, listen to me! Believe me when I tell you that if she looses that baby, she will never be the same..." Sofia said, an honesty in her eyes that made everyone take a second glance.

"Oh my god," Danielle whispered, as thought finally catching on to some big secret.

"If she looses that baby, it'll kill her," Sofia said to Louis, ignoring Danielle and everyone else's stares, "But if they can't save the baby, and if she wakes up, and there was really nothing that they could do... the only comfort she will have is that you let them do everything that they could. The only thing that will make this better if she looses that baby is if you can look her in the eye and say that you tried everything to save it. Please, Louis. You have to make sure that they are going to try." Louis was staring at her as though he was just seeing her for the first time.

"You big secret?" he asked, and Sofia looked away from him, a sob coming from her mouth.

"Try and save the baby," Louis said, "Try and save them both," turning to the doctor and watching the doctor nod and walk away. Louis reached out for Sofia, but it was Liam that got to her first. Sofia looked up at her brother, the tears that she had been holding in were finally falling freely.

"We should talk," Liam said gently, and Sofia nodded, allowing him to lead her into an empty room. Danielle was following behind. Sofia suddenly stopped and turned towards the rest of them.

"You should probably all hear this," Sofia said, before turning back around as she continued to follow her brother.

When they were finally all sitting, Sofia was staring at the ground. She wasn't sure where to begin, she wasn't sure how to start. She had tried for so long to keep them all from this, to keep herself from reliving it, and now here she was about to tell them all what had happened. She couldn't stop the tears, but she felt calmer then she thought she would.

"Sofia, did you ... were you pregnant?" Danielle asked quietly, Sofia looked up at her to see the shocked faces of everyone around.

"A few days after I left, I went out to a bar around the town that I eventually wound up staying in," Sofia said, "I got really really drunk. I don't think I've ever been that drunk in my life. I couldn't walk, I couldn't talk, I couldn't think straight. I wasn't going to remember anything that next morning, but I didn't care... I just wanted to get so fucked up and forget that I had gotten Harry shot. I had almost lost him, and it was my fault..."

"It wasn't your fault..." Liam said quietly

"Yes it was," Sofia said, "I knew what I was doing when I hit on that guy. I knew how angry Harry was going to get and I knew that Harry would probably say something. I knew all of that, and I did it anyway. Just because I wanted to win a fight."

"But you didn't know he would pull a gun," Louis said quietly, forgetting his own problem for the time being as he listened to Sofia talk.

"Anyway," Sofia said, "I was leaving the bar, and there are stairs, and this guy approached me. He was trying to get me to come back with him. I don't remember much, but I was pushing and shoving and he was getting more and more aggressive. I think he even ripped my shirt..."

"Oh my god," Danielle hissed, staring at Sofia in horror, as Liam let out a growl.

"And um, he got too aggressive, and I was too drunk to keep my
balance, and I went tumbling down the stairs..." Sofia whispered, a sob escaping her mouth.

"What?" Emily gasped.

"I just fell down a flight of steps, I could feel the blood from my head, I could hear people yelling around me. But it was pain the erupted from my stomach, I felt blood. I thought I was bleeding out. I didn't know what was going on. A face appeared, a girl. She told me she was going to get me help. I was in so much pain, I couldn't stop crying, but it all went dark..."

"Sofia, what are you saying?" Zayn growled, he was looking at her horrified as she told the story, just like everyone else was.

"When I came to about two days later, I was in the hospital. My doctor was Topher, and I was pretty beat up. I had cracked some ribs, I had a concussion, and my head needed stitches. But, I still felt pain in my abdomen area, I thought maybe I had internal bleeding from the fall, and that's what caused the bleeding out. But, when Topher was talking to me, he said, 'We're so sorry, we did everything we could, but you lost the baby..'" There were audible gasps coming from everyone, but Sofia ignored them as she cried harder, staring at the ground.

"How?" Niall asked, "What? How is that --? What?" He was so confused, and that was the last thing he had expected her to say.

"I always missed my periods from stress or everything, not too mention I'm on the pill so I didn't expect it. But, I was 11 weeks along, and I had no idea..." Sofia said

"Oh my god," Emily hissed, "I can't believe it.

"Yup," Sofia nodded, "I had no idea. Nothing felt different, I hadn't gained weight. We weren't planning a pregnancy or anything..."

"Oh my god, Sofia," Danielle whispered, tears falling down her face, as she held Sofia to her, "I'm so sorry..."

"I couldn't come home," Sofia said, "How could I look at Harry after almost getting him killed and tell him that I killed our baby too?"

"Sofia, you didn't kill anybody," Liam said, as he kneeled in front of his sister, "It was accident. A tragedy, and I'm so sorry that I wasn't there for you... I can't believe you went through that alone. But it wasn't your fault, you didn't know..."

"That's the worst part," Sofia sobbed, "I didn't even know what I had until it was gone, and I didn't even know that I wanted it until it was too late..."

Liam pulled his sister into him, and let her sob into his neck. He just held her tightly, promising her that everything was going to be okay, even though he wasn't sure it was. He cursed himself for not being there for her, but he was going to be there for her now. He was going to get his sister back on her feet again, and he was going to convince her that this wasn't her fault, and that she was going to make it through.

"Harry's going to hate me, he's going to hate me," she sobbed, and suddenly she was being pulled up, and she was looking back into Niall Horan's eyes.

"Listen to me," Niall said, "Harry could never hate you. He didn't hate you when you flirted with that guy, he didn't hate you when he got shot, he didn't hate you when he woke up and you weren't there. He didn't even hate you after you walked away from him today. He loves you, and he is going to love you no matter what. I promise you that. I promise you that he won't hate you."

"How can I tell him this?" Sofia gasped, "How do I tell him that we lost our baby?"

"The same way you told us," Zayn said, wrapping his arms around her, "Gently and honestly. And we'll all be there for both of you when you do tell him. We'll get through this, Sofia. I don't have any doubt about that..."

"I'm just so glad you finally told us," Daniele said, she was still crying, "Because now we can help you..."

"I don't deserve anyone's help," Sofia sobbed.

"It doesn't matter if you deserve it or not, Sof," Liam said, staring at his sister, "That's not what family. It's not about whether or not you deserve help or love or support. You give it to them anyway, because you know that when you need it, they'll give it right back to you..."


***

Harry Styles was walking out towards the waiting room with the doctor by his side. A bullet had just barely skimmed his shoulder when he jumped on top of Eleanor to try and protect her from any more bullets hitting her. All he needed was to be stitched up. He was walking out and he was going home, and he had hoped that everyone else was doing the same. As he approached the room, he noticed Sofia there. Sitting in a corner, staring at the floor. Everyone else was there too. He sighed in relief as he saw her, and wondered if she would stay this time.

Sofia was sitting in the corner, when Harry came walking through with the doctor. She had finally stopped crying, but the minute she saw him the sobs wracked through her body again, as she jumped up from her seat and ran to him. She didn't know what she expected him to do, but when she reached out to hold him, she wasn't expecting him to wrap his around her and hold her tightly, which is exactly what he did.

"Shhh, don't cry, Sof," Harry whispered to her, as she sobbed into his chest, "I'm okay, it's okay..."

"Don't even do this to me again!" she spat at him, hitting him hard in the chest.

"Ouch," he said, grinning slightly, as he wrapped his arm back around her.

"As worried as you might be..." the doctor said, staring down at her, "I'm going to ask that you don't hit my patient... Ms.... uh..."

"Payne," Sofia said, reaching out to shake the doctors hand, as everyone else was joining them.

"And you are?" the doctor asked

"I'm his fiancé," Sofia said, before her eyes widened in surprise. The words had just flown out of her mouth before she could stop them, and now she felt like she could stick her foot in them. She glanced up at Harry who looked just as surprised by her choice of words.

"I mean –" she said quickly, "I'm –"

"She's my fiancé," Harry said, his voice calm and collected and confident as he said the words.

"So I take it you'll be nursing him back to health?" the doctor asked, if he had witnessed the weird exchange, he didn't give it away. His voice was cool and calm, as he looked down at Sofia with confidence.

"Doc, I don't need a nurse, I barely got hit," Harry said, his eyes rolling.

"Shut up, Haz," Sofia snapped up at him, before turning back to the doctor, "Is he going to be okay?"

"He's going to be fine," the doctor said, as everyone sighed in relief around him, "he's a lucky guy, your fiancé. He just needs to go home and get in bed and stay there for a few days. His body needs to recover, and so does his shoulder. He shouldn't be pushing anything, he needs to relax. No
stress allowed."

"It's barely a bullet wound," Harry scoffed, "You're acting like I'm seriously hurt."

"I thought I told you to shut up!" Sofia snapped at him again, before turning back to the doctor, Harry growled at her but she ignored him.

"I'll take him home and I'll make sure he gets plenty of rest," Sofia said, "I'll take care of him, you don't have to worry..."

"I'm sure you'll do an excellent job," the doctor said, before turning to everyone else, "I haven't heard anything about your friend Eleanor, but we do want to keep your friend Daisy over night..."

"Is she okay?" Ella asked, her voice concerned

"She should be, but her blood pressure is high and her head got pretty knocked around, so we want to hold her for observation. I'm sure she'll be home tomorrow," the doctor said

"Thank you, doc," Liam said, reaching out his hand and shaking it. The doctor walked away, leaving them in peace. Sofia looked up at Harry who was now shaking everyone's hands and hugging them. She was crying again, but this time they were tears of joy and relief that he was going to be okay. When he turned back to him, his shoulders fell and his eyebrows furrowed in confusion.

"Hey, don't cry," he whispered, as he wiped her tears from her face.

"I was so awful to you this afternoon," she sobbed, "I'm so sorry..."

"Babe, it's okay.." Harry said, pulling her into his arms, "Just forget about it, okay? You were upset and trying to prove a point. I knew Lou would bring you home..."

"And now, I'm going to bring you home," Sofia said, reaching into her pocket and pulling out Louis' keys, "Are you ready?"

"Yeah," Harry said, nodding his head.

"Anyone else want to come with?" Sofia asked, looking around.

"No, I think we'll all stay here, wait for news," Liam said.

"Make sure to call us when you know anything," Harry said, "Especially about El, okay?"

"We will. You just take care of yourself, Haz," Louis said, quietly. His head was clearly still with his wife.

"Come on," Sofia said to Harry, holding her hand out for him to grab, which he did, smiling down at her widely. Harry allowed her to lead him out of the hospital and back to the car,


***


"Why do I feel like there's been some big turn of events?" Harry asked, as Sofia and him lay in their bed.

"What?" Sofia asked, glancing at him.

"I mean, something's changed, hasn't it?" Harry asked, his voice quiet as he looked at her.

"Yes," Sofia said, nodding her head and being honest.

"Are you ... Is everything okay?" Harry asked, "I mean, are you going
to stay?"

"Yeah, I'm going to stay," Sofia said quietly, "And no, it's not okay. But, I think I'm going to try and make it okay. I think I'll start taking some advice, but you don't need to worry about that right now..."

"I am though," Harry said, "I'm very worried about you. The drugs, the secrets... I'm worried, Sof." Sofia looked over at him, his bright green eyes were staring at her, and they were laced with fear and confusion.

"When you're feeling up for it," Sofia said, "I want to take you somewhere this week... we'll go on a little trip..."

"A trip?" Harry asked, as he looked even more confused.

"Yes, you and me. A trip. And I'll explain everything," Sofia said, "But until then, I don't want you to worry. I just want you to relax and get your shoulder better..."

"You can't just tell me now?" Harry asked, but he didn't sound frustrated or annoyed, his voice was gentle and calm.

"Not tonight," Sofia said, shaking her head, "I just want to be here with you... please..."

"Okay," Harry agreed, opening his arm so that she could crawl towards him, "Promise me something?"

"Sure," she said

"That you won't leave me again," Harry said, his voice cracking.

"You don't have to worry about me leaving," Sofia said, tears coming to her eyes, "It's you I should worry about..."

"Me?" Harry asked, "You never have to worry about me leaving you, why would say that?"

"Because I think one day you're going to figure out that I'm not what's best for you, Harry..." Sofia said quietly.

"That's stupid," Harry growled, "You are what's best for me. And I'm not going anywhere. And if I do, I'm taking you with me. I just want us to work through whatever's going on, together... that's all I've ever wanted. For us to get through these things together."

"I know," Sofia said, sighing, "And I'm trying, okay? I know I've been blocking you out and I know you're frustrated. But, I promise that as of now, I'm trying and ... I'll do the best I can... okay?"

"Okay," Harry said, she could feel him nod, "I can't believe I got shot today... again. Funny, isn't it?"

"Funny isn't the word I would use," Sofia growled, "I don't find this funny at all."

"I guess I meant, ironic," Harry said, but he was grinning which made Sofia roll his eyes, "Hey, make me one more promise?"

"What?" Sofia asked

"When I wake up tomorrow, promise me you'll be here..." Harry said, his voice cracking a bit. Sofia's arms tightened around him, and she layed her head on his chest.

"I'll be here," she said quietly, "Just go to sleep Harry, stop worrying."

"Okay, goodnight," he said quietly, she felt him kiss the top of her hair, and she closed her eyes as she embraced his hold and his scent.

"Goodnight," she said, "I'm so glad your okay."

"Me too," Harry said, "See you tomorrow, fiancé..." Sofia's breath
caught on the word, which Harry noticed. He got scared he might have spooked her.

"Well, I never did officially end the engagement," Sofia said, "So, technically I still am your fiancé."

"And we'll work on the rest..." Harry said.

"Yes, we'll work on the rest."