She's Not Afraid

"Is This Enough?"

"What the hell is this?" a voice barked, snapping Zayn out of his trance, as he jumped up from Sofia and saw a black eyed Louis and a confused Liam behind him.

Zayn didn't say anything at first, as Louis stepped into the room, Liam right behind him.

"Oh my god," he heard Sofia mumble under him, and as he looked down, watching her struggle to push herself up because she was so intoxicated the gravity of what he just did hit him. He jumped up from the bed.

"This isn't what it –" Zayn started, but Louis had already grabbed him by the collar and slammed him into the wall.

"Don't you fucking do that, you twat!" Louis seethed at him, as Liam rushed over to Sofia, who had managed to sit up, and was now crying and mumbling to herself.

"Don't you insult my intelligence and tell me that this isn't what I think it is. Don't you fucking lie to me, Zayn. You were just kissing our best mates girl, don't fucking tell me otherwise!" Louis yelled, as he slammed Zayn again.

"Sofia?" Liam said, helping his sister off the bed, as her head rolled back, "Are you alright?"

"I'm so drunk, I'm so – oh my god, Liam – I'm so..." Sofia was trying to explain, but her thoughts were jumbled and confused and she couldn't get them out. She wanted to explain what had happened, but the alcohol had totally taken over and she couldn't do anything but try and fight the darkness that she was sure was overpowering her.

"Are you fucking kidding me, Zayn?" Liam snapped at his friend, "She's fucking smashed... she's not even coherent right now... ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?!"

"Just let me –" Zayn started, but Louis was glaring at him and still had him by the collar.

"Are you ever drunk?" Louis asked, his eyes narrowed, "Have you ever had anything to drink?" Zayns mouth went dry, as he realized he couldn't even drink his stupidity on alcohol.

"You haven't had you?" Liam asked as he held up Sofia, who was now sobbing uncontrollably, and Zayn stayed quiet, because he had no excuse.

"What the bloody hell were you thinking?" Louis spat out, "Harry's going to –"

But Louis couldn't finish his sentence because the door had opened again, and this time it was Harry standing there.

"Hey, I just want to see if –" Harry started, before looking around the room. Louis had Zayn by the collar, as though they were fighting. And Sofia was sobbing in Liam's arm, who was trying to calm her down and hold her up, "What's going on?" Harry asked, his voice concerned, as he rushed to Sofia.

"Are you okay, Sofia?" Harry asked, lifting her head up to look up at him, "Sofia, are you hurt? What happened?" Her sobs became louder as she realized that it was Harry that was standing in front of her.

"I'm sorry!" she cried, as her head rolled back, "I'm so so sorry! Oh god, oh god, I'm sorry..."

"Sofia, you're drunk..." Harry said, "Everything is fine, you're just drunk," he said as Liam put her back on the bed.

"What the hell is going on?" Harry asked, his voice confused, as he noticed that Louis still hadn't let go of Zayn, "Are you two fighting?"

"Tell him," Louis spat out, releasing Zayn as he shoved him back, "Why don't you fucking tell him?"

"Louis please –" Zayn said quietly, as he glanced at Harry, who was still standing looking very confused, as Liam tried to keep a very drunk Sofia awake in his arms.

"TELL HIM, ZAYN!" Louis yelled, "TELL HIM WHAT WE JUST WALKED IN ON!"

"Stop..." Sofia mumbled from Liam's arms

"Shh, it's alright, Sofia," Liam said quietly to his sister before looking up at Zayn, "Tell him, Zayn. Before we do."

"Someone better tell me," Harry growled. Zayn looked everywhere but Harry as he tried to fine the words to explain what he just did.

"Look Haz," Zayn started, "I just – I'm sorry –"

"For what?" Harry asked impatiently, "What happened?"

"I kissed Sofia," Zayn said, his voice so quiet he wasn't sure if Harry would hear him and his eyes down so he did see the look in Harry's eyes if he did hear it.

"You what?" a voice said, but it wasn't Harry's. All of them turned to see Emily standing at the door.

"Oh my god, Emily –" Zayn choked, but he couldn't complete his sentence, because the sound of skin hitting skin echoed through the room as Emily slapped him. Zayn didn't even fight it, his head flying to the side.

"I'm so so—" he started to say

"Don't!" Emily snapped, "Don't you dare fucking say it."

"Emily –"

"I hate you, I hate you," Emily gasped, as tears streamed down her face, "ARE YOU DONE YET ZAYN?"

"What?"

"ARE YOU DONE TRYING TO HURT ME?! ARE YOU FUCKING DONE YET?! IS THIS ENOUGH!?"

"Emily I wasn't trying to –"

"Her? Out of everyone in the world that you could kiss or screw? It had to be her?" Emily cried, tears streaming down her face. Zayn reached out for her but she shoved him back.

"Don't you fucking touch me!" Emily screamed, "Don't you fucking touch me you asshole! I hate you!"

"You don't mean that," Zayn said, as he stood there, allowing Emily to shove him again, her sobs echoing through the room.

"I do mean it! I fucking hate you! I hate you!" Emily screamed, shoving him again and again, until Louis finally grabbed her from around the waist, pulling her back.

"Shh, Em, it's alright," Louis said quietly, as he shook his head at Zayn.

"ITS NOT OKAY!" Emily screamed, shoving Louis away from her, and turning to walk out of the room. But before exiting, she turned back to Zayn, glaring at him.

"I will never forgive you for this," Emily said, wiping tears off her face, and walking out of the door.

Louis turned to see if Harry would have a go at Zayn next, but Liam and Harry were too busy, trying to lift Sofia, who had blacked out.

"We have to get water in her," Harry said, concern lacing his voice.

"I'll get her to your room," Liam said, lifting his Sofia up bridal story, and walking towards the door, Harry following him out.

"Harry –" Zayn started, "I'm so sorr—"

But he didn't get to finish his sentence because Harry had slammed his fist into Zayn's face. Once on the ground, Harry hit him twice more, as Zayn lay there taking it. He didn't fight back, and Harry hit him again, before being ripped up by Louis. Harry stood above Zayn, fighting the urge to rip him from limb to limb.

"Don't you apologize to me," Harry growled, as he watched his friend bleed on the floor, "I get your hurt. You miss her. But I've been hurt and I've missed someone before, Zayn – and I've managed to never kiss one of my mates girls. So don't fucking apologize to me. Besides, I'm not even sure your really sorry." And before turning away, Harry delivered one final blow to Zayn with his foot, leaving Zayn groaning on the floor behind him.

"Come on," Louis said quietly, looking down at his friend and reaching his hand out, "Let's get you cleaned up..."

"I don't know if I can clean this up, Lou," Zayn said, not reaching for his hand. Louis got down, and helped Zayn up by his shoulders, both sitting on the floor together.

"I fucked up, I fucked up big time," Zayn said, shaking his head, mostly at himself, "What am I going to do?"

"I don't know, man," Louis said, wishing that he could say something to make Zayn feel better, but not knowing what to say.


***


It was the feeling of her stomach dropping that made Sofia open her eyes. Her head was pounding, but it was the overwhelming sense that she was going to be sick, that made her push herself out of the bed and towards the bathroom just a mere feet away. She was aware that someone seemed to be getting out of bed behind her, but she couldn't even think about that, as she collapsed on to the floor, and emptied her stomach into the toilet.

As she retched again and again, coughing and sputtering, she felt someone grab her hair, and rub her back, and was suddenly very aware of Harry's presence behind her. Sofia didn't have time to say anything, as she felt her stomach bubble again, and soon she was hugging the toilet again.

"You're alright," Harry hushed from behind her, as he tied her hair up, and stood up to fill a glass of water.

As Sofia put her head on the toilet, the coldness of the ceramic surface giving her some comfort, flashes from last night came back to her. She remembered the shots that Eleanor gave her, she remembered walking up the steps. Then in her memories she was suddenly under Zayn, and he was kissing her.

"Oh my god," Sofia hissed, but before she could think about it anymore, she was throwing up again. A sob escaped her, as the pain in her throat ignited and she remembered just how much she hated when she got sick like this. But, really, she was remembering last night, and that made the tears come faster.

She remembered seeing both Harry and Emily, before everything just went black. She didn't remember the words that were said, she didn't know who knew what, she didn't remember what happened after Zayn kissed her. She did remember kissing him back, but trying to push him off too. She remembered thinking that she wanted to help him. She remembered hearing her brother's voice.

She couldn't remember anything else, because Harry was behind her, lifting her head, and trying to pour cold water into her mouth, as her heavy head leaned back against him. His green eyes seemed blank, and Sofia wasn't quite sure what that meant.

"Spit that out," Harry said, as Sofia did as she was told, before he gave her more water, insisting that she swallow it. She leaned back against him, her head pounding so she closed her eyes tightly trying not to let in the light.

"I told you not to drink too much," Harry said quietly, as she heard him place the water beside him, "You haven't slept in days, your run down, I knew this would happen..."

Sofia tried to open her mouth to apologize, and to tell him that he was right. She wanted to talk about last night, she wanted to tell him her side of things, and let him tell her about what happened afterwards, but she couldn't. Instead when she opened her mouth, the feeling of being sick came over her again, and she launched out of his arms, and towards the toilet again, emptying her stomach again.

It went on like this for another 20 minutes, Harry feeding her water, and rubbing her back, as Sofia got sick again and again. Neither of them said anything. Harry put a cloth to her skin, trying to get her to cool down and feel better, but nothing seemed to be working. He wondered if he should make her eat some bread, to soak up some of the alcohol he was sure still left in her system, but she didn't look like she could swallow much. He hadn't seen her this hung-over in a long time – maybe since she was 16. That told him exactly how drunk she was last night, not that he needed it, after she blacked out on him. He had stayed up all night making sure that she didn't get sick and die on him.

"I think that's the last of it," Sofia whispered, her head against the toilet, her eyes closed but swollen and red from all the tears that she had shed.

Harry reached up to flush the toilet, standing himself up, and looking down at her small figure.

"I'll just stay here," Sofia said quietly, as Harry dug through the medicine cabinet for some pain killers. He chuckled to himself, shaking his head at her suggestion.

"You can go back to bed," Sofia said, "I'm sorry for waking you up..."

"Be quiet, Sof," Harry said, rolling his eyes at her, as he reached down and picked her up bridal style. She gasped in surprise but wrapped her arms around him, collapsing into his body, and Harry held her tight. When he got back to their bed, he gently placed her down. The way her head fell on the pillow told him how heavy it still was. He handed her water and the painkillers, and Sofia eyed them warily.

"It might not stay down," she said quietly

"Let's take the chance, okay?" Harry said, and watched as she nodded and did what she was told. Harry took the glass back, before placing it on the bedside table.

"Haz, we should talk about last night..." Sofia said quietly, taking him by surprise.

"There's nothing to talk about," Harry said, his voice hard, as he looked interested in the time on his phone.

"Harry, please..." Sofia said, reaching out for his hand, which he allowed her to take.

"You were drunk, it wasn't your fault. It was Zayn," Harry said, as he climbed into bed beside her.

"Don't you think we should –" Sofia started to
ask, but Harry interrupted her.

"No," Harry said, shaking his head, "It's fine. Let's just forget about it. Everything's fine."

Sofia didn't say anything, as he settled next to her, closing his eyes. He was telling her that it was fine, but everything about him was telling her that it wasn't. His eyes, his voice, and the way he wasn't holding her as tight as he usually did told her that it was everything but fine. But Sofia ignored her gut, and closed her eyes, and put his head on his chest, choosing to pretend that she was imagining how tense he got when her head landed there.


***


Because Danielle begged, and because it was David's first Christmas, the holidays were gotten through without any trouble. But they were quieter then usual. Emily was barely talking to Sofia, and she wasn't talking to Zayn. Harry refused to be in the same room as Zayn, and Sofia knew better then to get caught in a room with him. And Harry and Sofia seemed to be avoiding each other too, being polite and everything, but something wasn't right there either, although both of them were denying it. Zayn avoided the house at all cost. He would leave first thing in the morning, and disappear until after everyone was asleep. Liam and Niall tried to go with him, but he refused their company.

"We can't keep living like this," Danielle said to Liam as she put laundry away, "We're a family! We can't just allow it to fall apart like this."

"I don't know what you want me to do, Danielle," Liam said quietly, "I mean, I can't make them want to be around each other. I'm sure it will just take some time. Everyone will talk and forgive, they just need some time."

"What was Zayn thinking?" Danielle hissed, more to herself then to Liam.

"I don't know," Liam said, "But I don't think he was. I think he's just really lost right now, and I don't know if anyone can help him but himself."

"Emily was so good for him," Danielle said, shaking her head, "Why would he go out of his way to ruin that?"

Liam went to open his mouth, but he was interrupted by a crash, turning and rushing out of the room, he rushed into the living room, where he found Emily on the ground, trying to get up, half the bookshelf next to her, books all around her.

They weren't the only ones to rush out, everyone else seemed to rush towards the crash too, but it was Sofia that reached her first.

"Jesus Christ," Sofia said to her friend who was hissing in pain, as she reached out, "What happened?"

"I was trying to reach a book," Emily said, "It's fine! I don't need help!" She said, pushing Sofia's helping hand away, as she stood up.

"I'm sorry," she said to Liam, "I'll clean it up.." her voice cracked and Liam could see how not okay she was. He stepped towards her, as though approaching a baby animal and not trying to spook them.

"It's alright, Em," Liam said, "We can get it..."

"No, no," Emily said, shaking her head, "It's my fault.. I'll clean it..."

"Are you alright, Em?" Niall asked, his eyes concerned. Emily looked at him, nodding her head fast, her eyes wild as she tried to convince them that she was okay.

"I just made a mess of things, didn't I?" Emily asked, laughing a humorless laugh, and everyone in the room realized that she was no longer talking about the books.

"Right?" Emily asked, her voice sort of hysterical, as tears were seen in her eyes, "This is just another mess... another stupid mess..."

"Em..." Sofia said, reaching her friend, and grabbing her before Emily could escape. Sofia pulled Emily into her, and it was all Emily needed to start sobbing.

"I did this, I created this," Emily sobbed, as she fell to the floor, "I left him..."

"It's not your fault," Louis said, "He's just a twat..."

"Emily please," Sofia begged her friend, as she held her tight. Emily sobbed into her arms, and Sofia couldn't find the words.

"I pushed him to this," Emily hissed, "I know I did. I know I did..."

"No, no," Sofia argued, "He was just hurt and being stupid... this isn't your fault..."

"I hate missing him," Emily sobbed, "I hate it. I want to hate him so much. But I can't, I just can't."

"I know..." Sofia said, as she held her best friend, who was shaking from sobbing so hard.

"And it hurts, everything fucking hurts..." Emily cried, "Every time I see him, my entire body just hurts, it just ... it feels like every part of my body is on fire... oh my god, just make this stop. Make it stop hurting...."

"Emily, you can talk to him. You can try and work things out," Sofia said quietly.

"No I cant!" Emily said, pushing Sofia away from her, "HOW CAN I?! How can I do that?! How can I be in a relationship and look at him and wonder every time if he has feelings for my best friend... how can I do that?!"

Sofia said nothing as she stared at her best friend, feeling guilty for the amount of pain she had caused her. Sofia bit her lip, not knowing what to say.

"How could you let him kiss you?" Emily asked, her voice desperate and cracking.

"I wasn't thinking, Emily," Sofia said softly, "I just... he was so hurt.. he wasn't thinking either..."

"But he kissed you," Emily said, her head in her hands, "He kissed you. Oh my god, he kissed you."

"I'm sorry," Sofia said

"Did you kiss him back?" Emily asked, looking up at Sofia and catching her by surprise.

All eyes were on the two girls in the middle of the living room floor surrounded by mess. Both of them crying and desperate. Both holding each other as though it was their last lifeline. Sofia didn't know what to say, a part of her knew that the truth could destroy everything. She knew that it could destroy the two people she cared about the most. But, she also knew that she shouldn't let Zayn take the full blame, she had kissed him back. Sofia opened her mouth to reply, but someone beat her to it.

"No, she didn't kiss me back," Zayn said, surprising everyone. He stood there, beaten and broken. The stench of alcohol coming from him, the sadness and desperation in his eyes as he looked at Sofia and Emily. "It was all me," Zayn said. And Sofia's eyes widened at the lie, wondering why he would tell it.

"And I'm sorry," Zayn said quietly, "And that's why I've decided to leave..."