The Journal of a Heartbroken Girl

Day 1

I'll admit, I cried myself to sleep. If I could have chose, I wouldn't have shed a tear but I'm human. I feel things-- I feel everything. 

Right now I feel sad that it has to be this way. I want him happy and it was clear to me that he wasn't. The truth is we almost broke up days ago but I convinced him to stay. How stupid. I should have let him break my heart that day. I just didn't know. I thought if I convinced him to stay then we could figure it out and truly get back to how it was. How wrong was I? 

We talked less than before. 

I apologized for maybe not fully understanding that he needed time for school and family things as we are a year and a half apart and as I focus on my future and get ready to leave for college he would remain for another year. 

As I get ready for therapy today which was unintentionally planned two weeks ago I think maybe ill be fine. He needs this and its not my fault he's going through something. I can be there as a friend-- the friend I told him i'd be to him. 

I figured that its not meant to be now but if ever it was, we'd find a way to be or something out there would help us. If it wasn't well maybe somebody was better meant for me. 

I though that was helping me heal but its not. 

I texted him asking how he was. Just because we aren't together doesn't mean I don't care about him anymore or any less. we used to FaceTime at night and fall asleep together. I used to listen to his breathing change as he tossed and turned or slept in a deep sleep. I used to be there to make sure he was okay when he woke up from a night mare. He used to do the same. It was all gone now. 

He didn't seem fine as we texted briefly but I wanted to believe everything he was telling me. 

As I laid in bed around 1:30am (after a much needed long and hot shower) I decided to  send him a text to wake up to. Something that would show that somebody still cares even when he doubts anybody does. Much to my surprise he responded in a matter of minutes despite us having said our goodnights before midnight. 

It helped just like I thought it would. It made me feel better. Of course that conversation was brief as well. I didn't care because he said I had helped and that was all I cared about. 

I watched videos waiting, prolonging my sleep. As I did so I charged my old phone hoping to find pictures of when my hair was purple as soon as it turned on. 

I found them but I also found old screenshots. as I read through them I smiled and I grew happy remembering how happy I was-- how happy we were. I was genuinely happy that he had giving me a love most beautiful and amazing. I didn't think of how it was over. I wanted to go to sleep happy. 

I sent them to my email and saved them on my current phone and sent them to him to hoping they'd make him happy as well then I went to sleep.