The Journal of a Heartbroken Girl

Day 11

I woke up to another snap. He sent it after "gn."

"Have you gotten it?"

This morning I did.

"Rn so you're free"

"Free?"

"Nothing"

"I'm sorry"

Why is he sorry? Although I want to know, I don't ask. I don't reply.

Lunch rolls around. He has his hair curly the way I like it. He's cute. We make small talk and we both laugh and smile. Or maybe that was just me. I don't remember.

I leave lunch to go with my friend.

I'm feeling much better now.

Something's still off though. I think I want to tell him how I feel-- still. I want to clear myself so I can move on. I feel like I have to-- or at least that I owe it to myself.

I want to write a letter. Move forward. I'd talk to him but it might be awkward and I don't think he's ready if he hasn't come to me himself.

Despite all this, we talked. We were in the pool deck and he went into the coaches office. It was a perfect chance. I went in and called his name.

"Yeah."

"I want to ask you something."

He seemed awkward but he let me.

"Why were you unhappy? I need to know so I can stop wondering about it."

"It wasn't anything you did. It was the situation I was in with my family and school."

"But I didn't help."

"No, not really."

"Are you happy now?"

"I don't know. I don't feel into my emotions but I'm better."

"That's good."

And that was basically the whole awkward truth.

Well, he also thought I hated him. I told him I don't.

"You know I don't hate you, right?"

Silence.

"Just the opposite."

But not quite.

I don't think I love him. I don't think I miss him. I think it's because I don't think I know him anymore.

What I miss is who he used to be. How he used to treat me. The ways thing we're once.

Maybe I miss the memories.

I deleted some pictures with him from my instagram. Not all because being with him wasn't a bad experience. It was great and it gave me memories I'd never get again and I chose to remember them because they're special rather than to forget them because he's in them.

Maybe he realized I was deleting some pictures. Maybe that's why he never snapped me back.

Maybe there's nothing he had to say after my thanks to him telling me to be safe too (on my way home).

Or maybe it broke him.

Maybe it hurt him.

Maybe that's why he never snapped me back.

And he hasn't since.

And I'm okay with that.