The Journal of a Heartbroken Girl

Goodbye

I've been through a rollercoaster of emotions. Maybe he has too. I'll never know.

The truth is you still get to me. It fucks me up real bad.

I heard an old voicemail you left saying "I love you. I always will."

I cried because now I know it was a lie.

Maybe the way I'm acting now has got you fucked up too. I'm not trying to fuck you up. I'm trying to let you go.

The difference is that I think you let me go a long time ago. When we agreed to be friends I thought you meant it but you didn't. That fucked me up too. I don't understand why you couldn't treat me like the rest of your friends. You ignored me and made me feel small. I think you did it on purpose. I feel like you wanted me to care and feel bad that you didn't care back.

Whatever you intended, I wanted out. So I un-added you from Snapchat, took off your post notifications from instagram, deleted more pictures and memories, and took off your name and your picture from your contact information.

Even now with all that done, you still manage to get to me.

It's not fair because I don't want you to.

You make me feel so sad and terrible and I'm sorry because I know what I did was mean and I'm not mean but I had to stand up for myself and what I think I deserve.

I think I deserve everything we had at first and when you stopped treating me that way I questioned why you stopped and if it was because I didn't deserve it. You made me have a lot of doubts. I lost confidence and felt like I wasn't what you wanted. Maybe I believed it too much and made it into reality for myself.

I don't know. I don't want to know cause I know I never will. I'll never understand so I'm not going to try.

I hope you understand and can leave me alone. I don't want anything to do with you. I don't want to be reminded. I don't want you.

Because as much as I want to hate you, I never will.

As much as I want you to understand how much this fucked me up, I want to care for you.

I want to kiss your lips, call you baby, hug you when nothing's okay or when everything is going great. I want the you I knew.

That's not going to happen and above all it's unhealthy.

So I need to be far from you.

Maybe then I'll learn how to not care for you anymore.

I'm strong. I don't want to feel weak anymore.

If you care about me at all, you'll leave me alone.

Goodbye.