The Journal of a Heartbroken Girl

Day 6

I was going to put it on my story.

"This was the best year, 2months, and six days I've ever experienced," captioned over a picture of us both with the biggest smiles you could ever see.

I didn't post it on my story. I sent it to three friends.

The first response: you can tell it was by the smile on your face.

There went the tears. Just because you feel something is real and lovely doesn't mean it seems so, but it did. Everyone said so. "You two really love each other. You can tell by how you both look at each other. It's like no one else is around."

And I didn't think anyone was. It was just us in my world.

... or it was.

Now I was back to me being the only person in my world. I now wander aimlessly.

I went back and saw he'd opened it less than a minute ago. He was still awake. I immediately opened it and saw he wasn't on. He wasn't going to respond.

"I'm sorry"

"Don't apologize"

"Why"

"There's nothing to be sorry about"

Tears.

We talked for a little. I told him what my dad had told me about needing to be happy with ourself before being happy with someone else. He asked if I was happy. I admitted that I was but now I wasn't so sure. I'm a mess. I asked if he was and he said he was trying to be. He's on his way. I asked if us ending had helped. I needed to hear that it did because I don't want to feel like I had made the stupidest mistake ever. I miss him and I'm a wreck. He said it helped.

I explained how I'd send a picture every night. He said he caught on but he didn't understand why. I thought if they made me happy then they could make him happy too.

He said there's are more things out there than just him. I explained how I didn't want to fall in love again. He continued with there are other things to make me happy.

When I was unhappy I ran to him. Everything I ran to before being with him was like a distraction. Now that he's gone idk where to go.

"I'm not gone and nothing's disappeared"

"How?"

No response.

The third response: three sad and sobbing emojis.

"Same"

Back to him.

"Why are you unhappy?" I wanted him to let me in. I wanted to listen. I wanted to be there for him.

No reply. Not even opened. He's probably sleeping.

To sleep I shall fall as well.

"I'm happy," I woke up to.

"Okay. Then I'll try to move on."

All I wanted was for him to be happy.

"I'm sorry"

This time I'd be the one not responding.

I thought about quitting water polo. He was on the team. He is the captain and he is amazing. I didn't want to be there to see him happy like nothing had even happened when my heart was still hurting but I decided not to. It's not who I am. I don't quit things. "I start what I finish," I laugh. It was an inside joke we had. Now it was just mine.

This doesn't change me. I'm a wonderful person and I know it. I wouldn't hurt forever.

All the different directions I could take. The different ways I could act. I chose to be happy. To get over it. To face it. To let him go.

And you know what? I think I'll be just fine and the days only begun.

I did it. I didn't respond till he sent me something again. 

Black screen: "gn"

So "gn" I sent back with my face and a peace sign. 

Opened right away.

No old screenshot today. Im moving on.