The Journal of a Heartbroken Girl

Day 23

He commented again. I ignored it. I posted something on my story later.

He commented again.

I finally answered. He opened it right away and responded.

That was quick. It wasn't what I expected.

I opened it.

He was angry. He didn't know why I depicted him as a monster. I didn't and I told him that.

I explained my need to post. I was never direct and though we both know that the posts are about him, nobody else caught on.

Some think I'm reading a book and others simply skip over and don't read.

I told him how it hurt to feel that he had forgotten it all and I was sulking over it.

He admitted that he had he hasn't thrown anything away and he still has every letter, note, and gift.

He didn't like that I have him back his sweaters.

"How am I supposed to feel when you deleted everything and ignored me? I can't read your mind which is why I asked if you were okay."

"I'm sorry... I wouldn't say I'm not okay."

This is where I sent possibly the longest text known to man.

I know him and I know he's unhappy and there's something going on. I wanted to help but I can't do that when he won't let me. I can't worry about him forever because I'm going to go crazy. I had to let it go. He blamed the fact that he ignores what he's dealing with instead of helping himself on the way he was raised. He can't excuse himself from dealing with things with that. He's getting older and the older you become, the more you can't ignore. I don't care how he helps himself, I just want him to try.

I can't force you to feel better. I can't force you to listen when I try to advise you to deal with your battles.

You can't excuse it with being raised how you were. Even if it's not what you're used to, you know how you should be dealing with things. You know that this isn't how it should be. You can't ignore them forever. They'll just get the best of you.

And maybe they already have.

But they shouldn't.

So don't let them.

It's up to you to deal with things. How you deal with them is your business but I can't stay to watch. Watching you ignore it all, including me, and knowing that you're not helping yourself is possibly one of the most painful things I've ever done. That's why I can't watch.

But my doors open.

If you decide to deal with it and need help.

If you did it all on your own and wanted to share your accomplishment.

If you need advice.

If you need a set of ears.

He tried to ignore my long paragraph. I told him ignoring it won't change anything.

He said he can't say anything because I'll throw it back to him.

I'm not but you know what you're doing and so do I.  I'm not sugar-coating it. I wanted to help but I can't force it.

Again. He tried to ignore.

Then he wonders why...

I told him.

He said "I don't wonder I just wanted to know."

I opened. I read. I left it alone.

Later he actually texted my phone and told me what he got on his SAT. He wanted me to know (as he said himself).

At first I didn't respond. I didn't know if I should.

But if he reached out and I'm the one who ignored it when maybe he was now trying to take my advice and let someone in and help or just help himself, I would've been upset with myself.

I was proud of him. He did so well and I knew he would.

I congratulated him and he said thank you.

I asked why he wanted me to know and I he said he didn't know he just did.

I thanked him for sharing that with me.

He said "no problem."

And that's where I left it.

Hopefully he'll listen. Hopefully he will try. Hopefully it will help. I may never know. I'm just glad I gave him the truth and I tried.

Hopefully now he knows where I'm coming from now.

Maybe he also knows that I'm here if he ever needs it.

Maybe he will or maybe he won't.

Just figure it out bud.

Good luck.