The Journal of a Heartbroken Girl

Day 26

He texted.

"Why do you keep coming at me on Snapchat..."

"I'm not coming at you. I said why does it feel like... as in overall. Not you. It's just I've never doubted myself so much in my whole life. I'm up and down everyday and that's how I deal with it."

"But you act like I don't see it and it has no effect on me."

"Why would it affect you? You're not here. I'm not trying to be mean I just don't see how it affects you when I'm talking about the way I feel. I'm not talking about you. It's not fair. I worked hard on my self-esteem and you left me with so much doubt that I have to build it back up again. So I am but I question everything and it's annoying because I'm not trying to."

" Because you talk about breakups and you act like you're the only one who's taken a hit and it makes me feel like shit where you can just blame everything single little thing that's wrong with you or that you think is wrong all on me. But then again guys are coming after you now that you're single but you still talk about how you still need to build up you're self esteem when you already have it all."

"I post them because people keep telling me they relate to them. They like reading it. They still don't know it's me but they like it so I post it. I know I'm not alone. I'm not trying to blame it on you. It's not like I said that you did this to me. I questioned why after a breakup you feel all these emotions and you have all these doubts. How can a person change that. As I question things, sometimes I find answers. Sometimes I don't. Just because guys are flirting with me doesn't mean that I don't still doubt myself. I don't have it all. Nobody does."

"Actually you did say that I did this to you. I don't know why but you did and you also assumed a whole lot of stuff about how I felt and all these other emotions you keep bringing up without even asking me because for a long time it was a lot about you. You never know what was going on with me after a few arguments between us you were only focused on yourself."

"Because you didn't tell me anything and I can't read your mind. You seemed like you were all about yourself and it made me sad and angry because I didn't think you wanted me in your life anymore. You talked about how it was us then idk as I was trying to figure out college stuff you seemed to not care about what was happening or how I'd leave. It's like you just didn't want us anymore. What was I supposed to think? so I started being selfish. I thought I did something to you to make you not love me anymore. I still doubt myself because I just wanted you and I wanted to keep us together but I couldn't and part of that feels like it's because you just didn't want us and it fucking sucks because there's nothing I can do about that but idk what it was that happened."

"It was never about me. I didn't make anything about me nor did you do anything to make me feel like that. It's just you didn't like this "new" me and I thought if I had to work for you to become the old me that you like then it wasn't worth it because no one should become something they're not just for the other person and that's why I said you made it about yourself because nothing I did made you happy I tried and I did sleep over which is what you wanted but the next day we were back to square one and it seemed like you didn't understand what I had to go through for you and you only focused on the future rather than what's happening now."

"Because you were exactly the same person I know you to be when you slept over but then at school it's like you did a 180 and I was like what happened. I just didn't understand why you were still you when we were alone but acted differently like at school it was confusing and at some point I just figured it's because I'm going and I just didn't think it was fair.

You also act like you didn't make me feel like I needed to change for you. You kept complaining about the same thing when I kept trying to fix it and I kept thinking that we should just break up because it'd be worse but I couldn't do that because you're the one I wanted to be with and I thought you were worth it all so I was willing to change me or fix me if I had to but you made me feel like no matter what I did, it wasn't working. Then you were about you and I didn't think there was room for me. Idk why I tried to force room for me. Sorry. If you're exactly who you want to be then I'm happy for you. I know you'll accomplish a lot in school and later in life. Congratulations and good luck with everything... I'll see you around for the next month but maybe I should just say goodbye now."

"Really the only reason I didn't want you to change is because that is what I believe. I didn't want you to change anything about yourself because you deserve to be who you are with someone who appreciates everything you do. Maybe I didn't do that and I took my blame for it when we broke up but what gets me upset is that you somehow still made me the villain in your story. If you are saying goodbye then I just want to let you know that you are worth it and I wasn't the one for you. I had too many problems myself and if I took that out on you in anyway I'm sorry but I just want you to know that you'll find the person who is right for you and when you do I hope he or she ( I don't know what will happen in college 😅 sorry I needed a joke somewhere so I don't hurt) will appreciate everything you do for them. So goodbye if this is really it. I know you'll do great things in college and beyond and I wish you the best of luck."

I cried. Part of me really needed to hear that.

"I wasn't trying to make you the villain in my story. I was trying to figure out what happened in my own way. Sorry. That just made me cry. This isn't really it. As awkward as it might be... on my last day of school I'll hug you and formally say goodbye. If that's okay with you?"

"Of course that's okay with me I have no grudges or hatred towards you in any way I loved everything we did and I don't regret anything that's why it caught me off guard with those post."

"And I didn't want you to change but that means I wanted you to stay who you were when we first met. I'm sorry.

I didn't want to be mean. I just wanted to figure out what happened. I thought if I kept writing then someday I'd read it all and understand. I don't hate you either or have a grudge. I really miss you in my life actually that's why I sat somewhere else."

"I just felt bothered by them I'm sorry. And I get why you had to sit somewhere else. Btw did you like my joke about your sexuality 😂 and I really do wish you the best of luck I know I'm not saying goodbye now but I want you to know I'm cheering you on."

"It's okay. I get why they bothered you. If it's okay, would you let me make one last post? Nothing bad. Just clarification and a goodbye. Like an ending. I'll send it to you first before I do anything with it? Lol, idk I read it but I was crying. It was funny. College makes people different sometimes. Low key scared about that. Thank you so much and I'm cheering you on too. Maybe I'll come back for your senior nights and yell something stupidly funny as you swim 😂 I'll start making a list of dumb jokes till then."

"Make them cringey puns if you don't mind 😂 and you don't have to check in with me just post it and I'll read it 👍🏿"

"Lmao only the best for you 😂 I'm dead. Okay. It'll be a tear jerker😓 jk idk. Why is your hand black ? 🙃😂"

The rest of the conversation was short, light, and funny.

And now I have to figure out how to say my goodbye...