My Other Half (Rickian)

Disgusted with Myself

Quite late that night I was up watching television shows, as I usually did, when I heard Kian's familiar shallow knock. We hadn't exchanged another word since our short conversation in the car so I was excited he'd decided to reach out to me again.

"Come in." I said, shoving another fistful of chips into my mouth. I watched Kian make his way across my floor with a forlorn expression.

"Are you still in a bad mood?" I laugh, trying to make it seem like a joke but honestly I was worried for him. I didn't care how hard everything was on me as long as it didn't affect him.

"I want to be."

"You want to be in a bad mood?"

"No, I want to be able to meet your expectations." I drop the chip bag and turn to face him slowly. His shoulders are hunched over and he's blushing like mad.

"Kian, you said it yourself, you can't choose your sexuality. Don't stress yourself over something you can't fix."

"I don't have to." His murmur was so quiet it was barely audible. I snort and study his face for any sign of sarcasm or his signature trouble-maker grin. Nothing.

"What are you saying?"

"I think I'm gay." He whispered, tears starting to form in the corners his eyes. I didn't know how to react. You'd think I'd be ready to jump into action and make everything alright considering all the times I'd pictured this moment but instead I stood there staring at him blankly.

"What?" I had heard what he'd said loud and clear, but I couldn't believe it. I needed to hear him say it again to confirm that this was really happening.

"I think I'm gay." 

"Why?" I cursed myself for giving such a stupid reply but I honestly wasn't capable of anything better right now. So many emotions were running through me I didn't even know which one to feel.

"Well, last night when we were kissing it wasn't like I expected it to be. I expected it to feel wrong or gross or something along those lines. But I liked it, I really liked it. And I don't know, it really confused me and it made me rethink a lot of things. How do you tell when your're gay? Does this mean I'm gay?" It felt like my heart was rising up in my throat. Don't get your hopes up. Please don't get your hopes up, Ricky. When I didn't reply Kian continued with his explanation.

"At first I was so disgusted with myself. I stayed up all night, trying to convince myself it was nothing, that whatever it was would pass with time. But every time I seen you it just brought it all back, twice as strong. That's why I've been so horrible to you the last couple days. I wasn't trying to push you away, just these damn feelings." He groaned, sinking his face into his palms. It must have been instinct or something because, even in my shocked state, I found myself draping an arm around him. He looked up at me expectantly and I opened my dry lips to speak. No words came out. I took another couple seconds to steady myself and attempted it again. Still nothing.

"I can't be gay! I can't!" He yelled, squeezing his eyes shut like it would stop the waterworks from coming. It physically hurt me to see him like this. I could feel the tightness in my chest taking over as I started to choke up myself.

"Why not?"

"Well, I don't exactly want to be part of the sexuality that faces daily discrimination. Do you have any idea how much easier it would have been to be straight?" I laugh at the irony of his statement and nod.

"Oh believe me, I do." Kian's expression changed and he smiled almost like he was ashamed for having said that.

"I'm sorry. You definitely know, probably even more than I do."

"Kian, if you aren't ready to come out or you're not sure you can wait. It's not like there's a deadline." 

"No, I'm sure, I've been sure. I just didn't want to admit it to myself until now. I've already  called off whatever I had going on with Andrea." I feel my heart skip a couple beats and try to fight the smile threatening to spread across my face. No such luck.

"What? Can't you at least act like you feel sympathy for me? I mean, I know you're ecstatic that you've successfully converted me to your homosexual ways but gosh Ricky." I slap a hand over my smile, embarrassed for letting my own feelings come before Kian's, but judging by the deep laugh he lets out he was happy to see me smiling.

"I'm scared Ricky," He paused to wipe away the thick coating of tears on his face, "What will my friends think? My family's going to disown me! I can't even have kids!"

"We could adopt." I froze. What had I just said? Just because he's gay doesn't mean he wants to freaking settle down with you! Damn it, I thought I told you not to get your hopes up!

"I bet you have the names picked out and everything." He laughed, his voice layered with a thick coating of sarcasm.

"I do not!" I defend, shoving him off the couch. He's laughing like an idiot now but I still can't ignore all the tears covering his face. After getting through all the bullying when I was younger I'd come out a much stronger person. I wasn't afraid what people thought of me anymore. But this was going to be a lot harder on Kian.

"You're gonna be okay, Kian. I promise." I whispered to myself, watching the foolish boy I'd come to love rolling around on the floor.

A/N: I know I said three days or thirty votes but your guys' comments were so sweet I went against my word for you! Plus I also just really wanted to see your guys' reactions to Kian coming out. Maybe this chapter can get thirty votes? Hmm?