Non-Stop || Lin-Manuel Miranda

Chapter 43

A/N. Short and sad chapter, just a heads up. Nothing triggering just a lot of struggling here. I wanted to make this story as real as possible and sometimes this comes with the territory.

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Three months down and two exhausted parents later, we were finally starting to get the hang of things down. Well at least Lin was, I was having a much harder time grasping all of this. It only made me feel worse when Lin had such poise in dealing with the babies, they loved him dearly and responded positively when he was in the room. When I was playing, feeding or changing them they became despondent and cried. They wouldn't stop crying, they always cried. What's worse than trying to get your distressed child to get relief and you cannot provide it? Not much sadly.

It was a Monday afternoon and Lin was out grocery shopping for the week. I decided to stay back with the boys while he was out. Lo and behold Sebastian started crying, wailing really. I got up and tried to console the crying baby.

"Sebby why are crying?" I cooed at him. I started walking around trying to calm him down but nothing I could do would calm him down. I tried bouncing him, singing to him, rocking him and feeding him but nothing worked.

After 10 minutes of the temper tantrum I finally decided nothing was or would be working so I laid him on the floor and tried to play with him. The screaming merely intensified and I couldn't help but to cry with him.

I cried and cried with him not knowing what to do. I sat down in the corner of the room and started pleading with him, "Sebastian please stop crying, please?" I asked through the tears.

It still didn't work. He lay there crying in the middle of the room. Cruz decided he wanted to cry to. So I was sitting in the corner of the room sobbing because I couldn't get them to quiet down.

Lin walked in and immediately beelined for the bedroom. He picked up Sebastian and tried to calm him down. And he did. He freaking managed to stop the baby from crying. He set Seb down and calmed down Cruz almost immediately.

After he managed to get the boys relaxed he finally saw that I was in the corner, cowering, and sobbing quietly into my arms. I had felt like such a failure in that moment, why couldn't I get them to stop crying? I was their mom for Christ's sake; I should be the one they respond to.

"Lena?" Lin squatted down and pulled my face up from my arms, "What's the matter? Why was Sebastian on the ground?"

I shook my head, "I can't do it." I started crying again, feeling completely helpless in this moment.

Confused he asked, "You can't do what?"

"Be a mom."

"What are you talking about?" He asked sitting next to me now and pulling me close to him, "You're an incredible mother."

I shook my head again, "I'm not. They don't like me. They cry when I come around. I can't get them to stop crying. I don't know..." I let the tears keep falling.

"Lena..."

"I can't do it anymore."

"Yes you can mi amor." He kissed my forehead, "You can do anything."

I shook my head and buried my face into my hands.

"Let me go make a quick call okay?" He said while standing up, "I'll be right back, are you going to be okay while I'm gone?"

I nodded my head in my hands, not giving an audible answer.

I waited and listened to whom he was calling; the conversation went as follows, "Hi Dr. Smith, yes it's Lin calling. I'm doing all right. That's good to hear! Yeah look I'm not sure if you're the right person to call but I'm not positive on whom to call, it's about Lena. She's yeah, what do you know about postpartum depression? Right, okay. Yeah I don't think she'd admit to that because she's so head strong but I've never seen her like this before... she's so sad. Thanks Dr. Yeah I'll bring her in. Wonderful. Thanks!"

He hung up the phone and sat down next to me, "What do you say we go see the doctor?"

I looked up at him with tears in my eyes, "I'm not a bad mother." I cried, "Bad mothers go to the doctor."

I DO NOT BELIEVE THIS, JUST FOR THE STORY. PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE GET SOME HELP IF YOU EVER FEEL THIS WAY OKAY? I AM HERE FOR YOU AND CAN TALK TO YOU IF YOU NEED HELP, I WILL ALWAYS BE HERE FOR YOU! PLEASE GET HELP, YOU ARE SO LOVED.

He took my hand, "Lena that's just not true. Please? For me?"

I nodded my head and cried some more. I let him pick me up and set me down on the couch. I listened as he called a friend to come over and watch the boys while we went to the doctors. I waited and watched and listened and cried some more because I felt so damn helpless. It all just hit me today as well, the helplessness did.

There was a knock on the door, Lin answered and greeted the woman. I smiled at her while sitting on the couch, trying to fake it. Lin briefly introduced us and before I knew it we were in the car and on the way to the doctors office. I sat back in my seat in complete silence, not knowing what to say.

"Babe?" Lin spoke up.

"Yeah?"

"It's going to be okay, you know that right?"

I nodded my head, "I guess."

"This isn't something to be ashamed of. There are plenty of strong women out there who can't help how their hormones affect them after having a baby! You did that! You birthed two incredible babies and they love you so much, you have to realize that."

I smiled at him, a genuine smile for what felt like the first time in years, "Thank you."

"There's my girl." He grinned and picked up my hand, "My beautiful strong wife."

I rolled my eyes and sat back into my seat. The rest of the ride consisted of comfortable silence. I was so incredibly blessed with the best husband.