Daddy Issues - Johnnyboy

6 - Suicidal Tendencies

I've never experienced true pity up until now, it was honestly unbearable. It was something that the gang was good at showing, but never directly at me. No, that's what I do, I'm never one to be pitied. I can't stand it, it's stupid and it does nothing. You feel bad for me but isn't gonna solve anything. But yet, I also do it too, well actually, I don't try to, I just try my best to give them heart to heart sympathy, but all this is getting a little overwhelming.

Ponyboy won't leave my side, not even to use the bathroom, he just stands outside the door or in another room but he listens, he's afraid of me breaking. He's the only one I wanna talk to about this because he knows what it's like to lose a parent, both parents at that but, I don't want to bother him with it, or not necessarily bother, but he's just got stuff on his plate too, so I wasn't looking to add to it. But I was getting this close to shutting down, to cutting everyone out, to just cave in. But I wasn't gonna let it happen, I don't want them to see me like that.

I haven't even been asleep yet, this past week I've just been by myself, in the lot, or with Pony and I've never felt so numb in all my life. I hated it, but I wouldn't trade it for what I was actually feeling. If I wasn't numb, I'd be in a ball crying my fucking heart out, and I couldn't do that to them.

I didn't know who I was trying to please or impress, but I wanted to prove something. . . I wanted to show that I could be a tough greaser who didn't cry or get all emotional, but sometimes I really can't keep it in but that's when I revert back to that razor method, I know it's really not helping but in the moment it's all that I've got left to cope with. Or drugs and alcohol like my deadbeat mother.

Would I even be able to get that kind of stuff? What the hell would I even get? What was I trying to look for? How numb did I really want to be? I knew the exact person I could go to, to get it, but what would I ask for? And with what money? Money. Money, holy shit. My dad had buried something in the backyard a couple of years ago and he had told me, that if anything ever happened to him, this was what was there for me.

How would I get into that backyard without her seeing me? Without her callin' the cops on her own son. . . Christ. She was supposed to have a good job now, but they made her go on trips. She was an air trafficking employee, and she has really good money, but of course, she only uses it for her makeup and booze. Even though I sat in that shitty basement wearing the only clothes I had at the moment.

You know what's actually messed up though, most of these clothes that I have, was paid for by Darry, or Dally. They always bought me clothes when their taxes came, they bought us all clothes but I was the main one who got a lot of shit, boxers, socks, the whole thing. I was internally grateful for the Curtis', I depended on them with my life and its so good to have people to actually care for you.

"Johnnycakes, you there?" Soda was waving and snapping his fingers in my face, trying to get me to focus.

"Yeah, sorry, what's up?" I asked, he sighed and shook his head.

"Me and Darry are going to the liquor store, and I thought, since you're about to turn 19, why not? We even are gettin' some for Ponyboy, he's been dyin' to get a drop of something." He smiled and I nodded, this was my opportunity.

"Could I just get some Vodka, and could you get a bag of ice?" I asked, His eyes widened and he gulped down his drink in surprise.

"You sure, Johnny? Never seen you even sip a beer before, but Vodka?" He asked and I nodded again, running my hand along my forehead, my long sleeve sweater I've probably worn all week, I needed to do my laundry.

"You want to come with, I mean, Ponyboy is, and We don't know about you. . . y'know, bein' alone." My head snapped up, I smiled real big for him and laughed.

"Soda it's cool, I'm fine here, just please get what I asked for." I pouted my lips and He smiled then, clearly convinced. He ruffled my hair and went outside, slamming the door on his way out. The smile fell from my face completely, and I sighed. I ran into the bathroom and turned on the shower, I wanted it to be a bit cold, because I felt really warm in this sweater and jeans when it's like, maybe 80 degrees out right now. I took out the razor from my back pocket and looked at it closely. 

*Be safe*

This was never something I saw myself doing in the past, I was stronger than this, all I wanted to do was break the damn thing, or like stomp on every razor I see but there was something in the back of my mind, telling me that I won't do it again after this, but I've heard that before, I've heard it come from my lips many times before this, and yet I still get to this moment. Fuck it, I ripped it on my thighs and arms, quick and painful swipes. I sat there on the toilet, shirtless, the shower running and blood just dripping onto my legs.

I stepped into the shower, watching the water, but as soon as I stepped in the shower spray, I yelped loudly and clenched my teeth at the pain from the cuts, I grabbed some shampoo after the stinging chilled a little. I rubbed it into my hair and washed my face with it as well, I'm not sure when the last time I took a real good shower. I looked down to see the water coming from me was brown and murky, I felt clean being under the water and I rubbed my face trying to rid myself of any last dirt. I grabbed my little lufa and rubbed some soap into it, and started to scrub mercilessly at my body.

Afterwards, I grabbed a long white towel that hung from the drape and wrapped it around my waist and saw what I had done. My skin looked ripped and rigid from when I did it too fast or held it too firmly, my fingers had cuts on them from me pressing as hard as I could to my skin but other than that, everything else on me was fine. My bruises had healed up on my face, only leaving some brown/yellow patches on my cheeks, My face felt felt fresh, and my hair felt clean, I think that I wasn't gonna put any grease in it,

"Johnny, you here!?" I heard Darry yell for me, and I stumbled to out on the clothes that I had brought in the bathroom, but once I saw that the clothes were shorts and a t-shirt, I panicked, I couldn't leave the room with the same clothes on, that wasn't something I wanted to do. I calmed myself a little and called Ponyboy to the bathroom.

"Pony! I need some help with somethin'!" I yelled, but my voice was shaky and I'm sure he caught that, but he came to the door in seconds. He knocked, and I muttered 'shit' to myself, he wanted to come in.

"Yeah, Johnny?" He asked, I sighed, keeping my voice calm.

"Could you bring me my black bag? I forgot some stuff in it," I said, and he told me that he would. I sighed and sat down on the toilet, the towel now wet by me and it was incredibly warm.

"You want me to leave it by the door-"

"Yeah!" I yelled, "That'd be great!" I might have been too eager, and too shaky but I'm not sure if he noticed it, and if he did, he didn't let me know. I waited until I heard footsteps tread down the stairs to get my bag, I snatched it, my arms on full display and I looked around to see that no one was in the hall, and everyone was downstairs.