Daddy Issues - Johnnyboy

14 - How to Never stop being Sad

     I couldn't even wrap my head around the fact that we just came out to each other, and nobody was beating us up. I mean, although we were alone, I had this voice in the back of my mind that was continuously telling me that people were now after us. I guess I could understand now why Pony was worried about telling me in the first place, but he should know me by now, I wasn't a hateful person or unaccepting at all, I could never be one of those people, especially to Ponyboy. If I was being completely honest, I had never really thought about my 'sexuality', I didn't think it was necessary for the moments of my self-loathing.

     Ponyboy doesn't realize but he's helped me tremendously trying to figure it out, I had always had moments of intense emotions around him, but my brain could never register liking him, but now I am honest with myself. I love the fucking guy, I don't care to say it to him just yet, but I realized this the other night when he was wrapped around me, us cocooned together, but now I was worried that if anyone actually saw us together, we'd genuinely be dead, Greaser and Gay? Not a good mix for the Socs. Despite the bad thoughts about this whole thing, Thinking about it in general, Pony and I actually official, just made me blush hard in the night, and whilst overthinking I shuffled a bit, startling Pony.

"Oh, I'm sorry," I mumbled to him, letting him cuddle up to me.

"Johnny . . . ?" The tone is what caught me off guard, "Yeah, Pony?"

"Could we, you know-" I looked at him in disbelief.

"On the train? What if they stop?" I asked, he shook his head

"They won't, not for days." I couldn't lie, I was craving that blissful feeling yet again too but it was so risky.

"What if we don't wake up for a long time again?" I asked and his eyes narrowed at me,

"Then so be it, just please-" He sighed, and I looked at him intensely, his eyes held such determination and will that it almost made me sad. I pulled the pouch out of my backpack guiltily and held it out to him. He ripped it open, and whilst hearing the velcro tear I was filled with anticipation now, the rush of adrenaline hit me fast just at the thought of it now. I sat in front of Pony, and helped him sort the tools out, he got out the spoon which still had a bit of residue on it. I grabbed it and wiped it on my shirt while Pony pulled the baggy out and poured the solid matter on the spoon while I added the liquid.

"I think I left my belt in the lot, you got one?" He asked me and I nodded, standing up on my knees to take it off, and I was really close to Pone, so if anyone were to walk up behind the boxcar, you'd think that he was giving me a bj, the thought made my cheeks crimson for the second time that night. I pulled it off and wrapped it around his arm, fastening it for him and keeping it there, since my belt didn't have a buckle.

     Ponyboy had filled both needles with the dark liquid while I was busy with the belt, it was making my head spin in hunger; I wanted to feel it again so bad that it was making me shake in anxiety. I hit his arm a few times to try and find a vein, and when I did, I bit my lip as I pushed the needle through, making Pony hiss. I let go of the belt and his eyes rolled back as he closed them. He fell on his back making me turn him on his side, so he wasn't laying on his back. I then got the belt and wrapped it around my own arm, holding it secure with my teeth as I did it. As soon as I let the belt release, I felt myself drift again. It was impossible not to laugh when everything was just spinning in front of you.

     It was never going to be like the first time I did it, I knew that but it was great nonetheless, I lied beside Ponyboy and cuddled up to him, high as a fucking kite, I ended up grabbing his neck and pulling him into mine, falling asleep in the train car just like that, the feeling of never-ending peace washing into me like waves. 

_____

"Johnny," I heard a faint voice, I recognized it, but I couldn't really open my eyes.

"Johnny, wake up." I groaned now, but peeled my eyes open, the bright light making me cringe and throw my arm up to try and conceal the light from my eyes.

"What is it?" I asked quietly, my head feeling fuzzy, I was shaking too and there was a sharp pain in my stomach, making me groan.

"We've gotta get off, it's not more than three days this time." He whispered and my eyes widened,

"How many then? How do you know?" I asked, sitting up, adjusting to the light now.

"I woke up like an hour ago, and we passed fucking Chicago. I think we're in Minnesota right now,"

"Holy shit," I scrambled up and looked out the train car door, it was moving pretty slowly but too fast for us to jump off. Jesus Christ, it takes at least 10 hours to get from Tulsa to St. Paul. I looked to my right to see Ponyboy smiling wide at me,

"We could really make it, Johnny. We have a chance." I smiled big than too, we could make it. Just seeing the hope on his face was enough to get me to believe that shit too. I mean, I had the money, and I could get everything we need to get by, and we'd have each other. That's all that will ever matter.

"So when do you wanna leave the train?" I asked,

"Uhm, well there's another stop in like ten minutes for oil checking," Ponyboy suggested and I nodded.

"I guess we'll just have to wait until he stops." I sighed and leaned against the metal. I was exhausted, and hungry. Then it dawned on me  . . . when did we last eat?

"Oh my god- When was the last time we ate anything, Pone?" He shrugged and his eyes widened. In response, his stomach gave a loud grumble.

"I suppose we should get something to eat when we get off," I told him and he sat next to me, slumping against the wall as well.

"Johnny . . . ?" Pony's voice was lower than usual, it was almost shaky. He picked up my wrist and set them in front of us both, I looked at him warily and he sighed. He rolled up my sleeves slowly, undoing the bandages. I flinched away for a moment as he trailed his finger on my wrist, feeling the roughness of every slice against his fingertips. I didn't say anything, just lay there motionless. 

He then raised my wrist to his lips and kissed each and every one of the reddened scars, When he got to the top of my forearm, he gave me this look, this . . . heated look where it made me feel as if he was staring into my damn soul, like every secret I've ever had was sprawled out in my eyes and he could see it all. His eyes flicked to my lips, but quickly back up to my dark eyes.

"Can I kiss you, Johnny?" I couldn't answer him because I was in total shock, but I guess my body was in the game and did it for me by slowly leaning in. Our lips skidded against each other for a brief second and I swear a shock went through me, and my breath caught, when he finally put pressure against mine, I let my eyes close slowly because watching just made me nervous. As we became more confident in our kiss, I let my hands travel to the sides of his face and opened my mouth slightly, moving my lips in awkward sync with his. It was sloppy and uneven at first, but then slowly but surely it became a heated pattern, his tongue licking at my bottom lip and me parting my mouth, letting him in. Our tongues grazed together, and he moaned in my mouth, which made me immediately part from him.

Oh god, what have I gotten myself into?