Daddy Issues - Johnnyboy

7 - Warm me up

I threw on whatever I saw that had still fit me, It ended up being an oversized sweater that had my name on the back of it, and tight black skinny jeans. My boxers were a bit big but that's probably because I've lost a lot of weight this past week, I haven't been eating as much anymore. Wasn't intentional, just didn't have time for it. I was too zoned in my own thoughts to notice that I was hungry. Plus whenever I did eat I genuinely didn't believe that I deserved to eat or have this food, its a struggle that's been with me since I was seven years old and my mother commented on everything that I ever did or ate, analyzed what I looked like, what I could do to be better. 

"Oh no, if you just lost a little bit of weight you wouldn't be so burly."

"You're seriously having a second plate?"

"Jesus, all that food is just gonna travel to the wrong places."

"Everyone could lose a few pounds."

 I was nothing but delusional. I looked at my self in the mirror and ruffled my hair a bit, the jet black locks were still wet in my fingers, but I didn't mind. I stepped out of the bathroom and threw my remaining clothes that I had worn in the laundry basket, filled with other various clothing from the other boys. I swear Darry knew our wardrobes like the back of his hand, like a mother.

"Johnny! Are you coming or what!?" I heard Soda yell this time, and I headed down the stairs quickly, seeing everyone sitting on the couch and on the floor, playing some lame ass video game, I think it was nintendo or something. Ponyboy saw me and smiled, patting the seat on the couch. I jumped on the seat and lied my legs across Ponyboy's lap, something I didn't think he'd be okay with, but he sat there, as happy as ever, watching his brothers play on the television. I was bored and had nothing to do, so of course, my intrusive thoughts have to play a role in this moment. 

No, I didn't want to do this right now.

"Soda, where the alcohol?" I asked, and he smiled, pausing the game to get 3 big bottles of Smirnoff, he came back with 4 shot glasses and placed them on the coffee table in front of us. He opened the white bottle with a crack and started pouring in all four glasses. He handed one to Darry, and then to Pony and I eagerly reached for mine. We all lifted our glasses,

"To Johnnycakes here," Soda smiled at me and I smirked a little, and winked at everyone. We started to laugh and then we all drank it. I lifted the glass to my lips, and tipped my head back and swallowed. It burned going down my throat, and I couldn't help but grimace, and wheeze a bit. Darry laughed at my face and Ponyboy's as well,

Eight and half shots later we were all pretty woozy, Ponyboy was talking nonsense and Darry was giggling along with Soda about the two of us, but I felt like I wanted more. I could still feel, I didn't want to do that. I grabbed the bottle and one of the larger shot glasses and filled it to the top and tipped it back again, I looked at the bottle, seeing that it was almost half full, I shrugged and put the bottle to my lips and chugged,

It hurt, a lot, I honestly thought I was going to die, But I kept it down, and kept swallowing, I got out one of those sprite bottles and put that to my lips, I needed to taste something other than booze, and it tasted damn good, I finished that and the bottle as well, the other guys didn't come in the kitchen to check on me or anything, so I was just drinking my life away in here, I got the other, larger bottle on top of the fridge and cracked it open, throwing the other one away, I was swaying, and I could feel everything that has ever happened to me, wash away like it was absolutely nothing.

I drunk a couple of gulps of the other one, this one seemed a lot more smoother to drink, I brung it into to the living room, and poured some shots, for the rest of us, Pony sat up, stumbling a bit, and grabbed the glass and drank it.

"Hey hey, easy on the booze Johnny," Darry told me, he actually only had two, and said that he was done. I giggled and he shook his head in amusement, But then I lifted the bottle to my lips and took long gulps, I felt the bottle being taken away from me, making me spill what I had in my mouth a little.

"Hey! What was that for?" I slurred, incredibly so. His eyes turned concerned and his posture stiffened.

"Give it back, Darry." I told him, and he shook his head.

"Darry, Just give it to me already." I started to raise my voice so now Soda was looking at me weirdly, and Ponyboy looked worried.

"Guys, c'mon I just want to have a little fun," I slurred, and I blinked a couple of times.

"Are you drunk, Johnny?" Soda asked and I nodded, smiling playfully.

"Then you don't need anymore, all I planned was to get us tipsy, not completely wasted." He said, but I could barely understand what he meant. I just reached for the bottle again, and finally they let me have it,

"Johnny, I think you've had enough, don't you think?" Pony boy held my wrist, cautiously, I shoved him off of me,

"I'm fine," I said, and drank the rest of the bottle, which took me fifteen minutes because of how big it was. Everytime I took a swig, everyone would look at me like I was being stupid. Then it hit me, my mind went foggy and I smiled big, finally, I thought, I could be happy now. I stood up and almost fell on my ass, Darry stood up too,

"You know. . . " I trailed, pointing to Darry, taking another gulp. I could barely see straight, "I don't think I've ever been truly loved." I said, and Darry's eyes softened, and Pony looked like he wanted to say something but the alcohol had just had him swaying, so he shut his mouth, Soda sighed and rubbed his eyes as an excuse, I could tell he was 'bout to cry.

"It's funny cause my mom told me no one would ever want me like this. That I ruined myself. Di'you know that? Yeah! She so fucked up . . . " I trailed off and sadness hit me like a freight train.

"You are loved, you are loved by many, Johnny, trust me." Darry told me, that's when I started to cry, Was I really gonna do this right now? In front of everyone? I started to sob and move around some more, I crashed onto the ground and cried,

"Johnny. . . " Soda trailed, I could feel all their eyes on me but I didn't comment, just sniffled and lifted the bottle, but I got it snatched out of my hand again, but this time, I was too drunk to even ask for it back. I whined at them like a fucking toddler, and Darry sighed and put the bottle back, I tried standing up, only knocking my shin against the coffee table and it hurt like hell but I only bursted in laughter.

I was crying and laughing so hard that I couldn't actually see anything. I felt someone pick me up and I grunted, I was tired, but I was still real energetic right now, and I couldn't feel anything, not one thing, and I loved it. The person set me down on a soft bed and lied next to me, I looked to my left and saw Ponyboy sitting with tears in his eyes, gazing down at me.

"What the matter, Ponyboy?" I slurred and then I did something that I'd probably would regret. I lifted my arm, and wrapped it around Ponyboy's waist and tangled my legs with his, I lifted my knee though, and it rested on his lower stomach, I lied my head on his chest and just breathed him in for a couple of seconds.

"You think no one loves you, Johnnycakes?" He asked, and I sighed quietly,

"I think I did," I recalled, and giggled but Pony didn't, he just held me tighter.

"I love you, does that count?" He asked me, and something right then just clicked, I loved Ponyboy, but not in a way that he says it. But it made my heart feel like it was on the outside of my body, on display just for him, and I felt like some type of fluttering inside my chest, it was new and I didn't like the butteflies, but they were there anytime I was with Ponyboy.

"I guess that does count, Ponyboy. . ." I trailed.