Daddy Issues - Johnnyboy

9 - Pain Changes People

After we uncurled from our positions on the bed, we all made our way towards the steps, each of us pushing and shoving to get down first, while Darry just shook his head waiting behind, I tried not to be so obvious as I clutched the ends of my sleeve, I was just trying to avoid showing everyone the damage. They'll become so different once they see the real you under the facade.

Most times I enjoy it when Darry keeps his house open to everyone but, not today. It felt like all I wanted to do was rot away in my bed, no matter how much I try to get back to my old self, it feels like it's not even there. Like I'm this hollowed shell of a version of myself and I'm starting to despise it. It was so nice to release all of that with them last night, but it was like all the emotions I had with me before were gone. Although the numbness was clearly there, there was also this nagging weight with every step that I took, I didn't feel real in this house with them. 

The rest of the boys were all sprawled out on the floor, while the others resided on the couch, snoring. I sighed while I made my way into the kitchen. As I opened the fridge, the noise echoed in my ears, which was odd because I've never been sensitive to noise, unless it was of course caused by my mother. I just grabbed a beer, trying to ignore the thought but when I clicked the can open, I started shaking. I had no idea why but it just made everything reel all the way back in at once, like a snap of a rubber band, it reminded me of my dad. 

"You just gonna have beer for breakfast, Johnnycakes?" It made me jump, sputtering up a cough whilst trying my best not to choke on my drink. Dally was sort of a heavy sleeper so I wasn't expecting him of all people to be up, so he scared the shit out of me.

Could I please just have some peace from everyone? I'm not in the mood to talk to anyone.

"Oh hey, Dally . . . What are doing here so early in the day?" I tried to diverge from the question, but he just ruffled my hair and put an arm 'round my shoulder.

"It's my day off, Pal. How've you been? You taking care of yourself?" I pulled the pack of cigarettes out of my pocket and scoffed while pulling one out, "You're one to talk, Dally." Tried to be subtle but I hated questions about my well being, especially now after all this drama, what the hell do you think I feel like? I just lit up my smoke and took a long drag while looking out the kitchen window.

"Hey, you need to stop worrying about me, Johnny. I'm fine-" I laughed, I made sure to look towards the living room to see if they were listening, But Two-Bit had them occupied with one of his stories, so I took another hit before responding to him again.

"Don't do that to me, I'm the last person you have to talk shop with, I know you, trouble always finds you." I tapped my cigarette into the sink, and he sighed. 

"Look, I'm just worried for you Johnny, it's not like you to be like this, I've been seeing you walk around here, even before your dad." I looked down and filled my mouth with smoke again. "You're always lifting the others up, why can't you do the same for yourself, huh? Take your own advice kinda thing?"

It's been two fucking days. The look I gave him must have told him off because he pulled out his own smoked to light. 

"I'm not tryna offend you, I'm not. It's just . . . I've got experience man, the faster you forget the easier it is to live."

"I'm not you, Dally." He just shrugged and walked away, leaving me with my thoughts.

*TW

At this moment, with the boys in the background just laughing like nothing is wrong like life, was absolutely fantastic, whilst I sulked here in this kitchen. If you've gone into a car on a hot day that's been sitting out in the sun for a long time, then you know how hot I felt in this big, burly sweatshirt. If you've ever felt like a massive weight was weighing down on your chest that you couldn't think of anything else to do but end it? That tight forceful lump that's fixed in your throat whenever you try to speak, so hard that you just can't seem to swallow it down, the unshed tears that you try to blink away because as you recall the memories you can't help but mourn the experience as a whole. If you've ever felt like physically damaging yourself in the most horrific way possible just to still feel like you're pain is valid, is seen, then you know exactly how I feel.