Daddy Issues - Johnnyboy

28; Hell is so close to Heaven.

I have been gone for a very long time because of my own habits and my struggles with them but I think Im okay again, anyways enjoy xx

Ponyboy's View)

I swear it was almost like I was choking, like something was pushing onto my chest really hard, it hurt to move, if I spoke up, I think I'd start bawling. Nobody has ever let me in, nobody has ever let me help them with anything, and Johnny just spilled his heart out onto my lap, like he had been secretly wanting to just let go like it was nothing, I could imagine feeling empty if I were him, I imagine as he's sitting there shaking, that he must feel some type of relief. Telling me about how he really feels gives him an opportunity to let it all out, but knowing Johnny, he has two sides of things. Right and Wrong. Unless he goes by whatever happens, flowing with it. Theres a certain things that I adore about him though.

I had no idea what I planned to do, in this situation he didn't want my pity, but I had heaps to give. I wanted to say something, I wanted to bring him into my embrace, I wanted to comfort him in a way that I think will calm his nerves. I didn't like the thought of him feeling like this so I wanted to help,

"Johnny. . . " He closed his eyes at the sound of his name, My chest gave a pang in agony, I hated this,

"What can I- Do you- Do I- Is this- I don't know what to do, or what to say-"

"You don't have to say anything, Forget it. I'm okay." He stood up, and started to tidy up a bit.

"Wait- no, I didn't mean to say it like that." He nodded, and said it was fine but that only made the lump in my throat get gradually bigger, and the pain on top of my chest get heavier, making my breathing ragged. I felt my eyes sting with hot tears as I stared at him.

All of a sudden, these incoherent thoughts flowed through my head like wildfire, shooting at me all at once, giving me a migraine. I suddenly felt unwanted, I felt annoying and repetitive and I really didn't wanna be around anybody. I wanted to curl in a ball under my blankets and sleep the rest of my pathetic life. I let out a quiet sob as I stared at the ground, Johnny didn't even notice, sometimes he goes deaf and just stops responding, he's been doing that for a long time.

I had to stop crying, I had to. There was no reason for me crying, obviously Johnny has shit a lot worse than what I got, so I really needed to suck it up. I imagine Darry, standing tall and fierce and yelling at me to 'man up', just like he always does. But I couldn't stop them, my lips were quivering and I put my hand on my mouth to muffle the small sounds, trying desperately to get a hold of myself.

This needed to stop, I got up quickly and Johnny whipped his head around in curiosity and then his face filled with horror seeing me sobbing like a damn maniac. Like I had no sense whatsoever, Before he could say anything I just went for it, I did what my instincts were screaming at me to do. I cupped his face as I kissed him, he made a surprised noise in his throat but fluttered his eyes shut and grabbed my waist. I got closer to him and ended up pressing him against the wall.

Everything gradually started to get faster, our lips, our actions, everything was all overwhelming but it was okay, I was breathing through my nose while our lips slowly started to move in sync, occasionally pulling away for air but being pulled right back in afterwards. I licked his lips and he allowed me in eagerly, our tongues clashed together, rubbed and grazed, everything was cool until Johnny let out a small moan in the back of his throat, the action making me shiver.

I don't think I've ever really gotten this close to him since our trip on the train and this seemed okay, this seemed right. His breathing had quickened at an alarming rate but we both pushed it aside and just kissed deeper. He pushed me back for a second though and looked at me, He closed his eyes as he cupped my face and lent our foreheads against each other. He drew a shaky breath as he opened his eyes to look at me. His eyes were different now, his cold stare melted away, and were replaced with utter relief. I wanted to scream at him to look at me, to really look at me.

"Johnny. Look at me," His hands closed into small fists on the back of my neck.

"I am, Ponyboy." He wasn't truly, they were glass like, and cold.

"No you're not. . . Look me in my eyes, Johnny. Its like you're looking right through me, I am here, I am real and I'm not going to abandon you, do you understand me?" I cupped his face to make him look at me but he was shaking and trying to get away from my grip but he couldn't, I had him trapped.

"I don't understand," He suddenly said and I sighed deeply and my heart started to pound beneath my chest. I grinded my teeth together and tears filled my eyes as I stood there.

"I love you, dammit. And I can't stand the fact that the love of my life is in utter fucking pain and I can't do anything to help. Its hard enough as it is seeing you struggle everyday with the boys and your life in general but to know I can't do anything to fix it, hurts. And I'm sorry that I wasn't there when you needed somebody, all those times when you felt like a burden, you should have came to me, because now, its like I already lost you. You're too far in, you're consumed with it, I can't reach for you anymore. You're too far gone and theres nothing I can do about it." The reality of my words had set in, I could see it in his eyes that he knew what I was talking about and just like that, he caved. He looked as if he was trying to say something but there was something caught in his throat, he swallowed thickly, trying to keep his sanity it seemed but I don't think he could handle it.

"I never realized. . . how much you payed attention, how much you knew. I-I always thought that I had gone unnoticed, I was a-afraid to tell you anything, you have been dealing with problems too-" I grabbed his hands quickly and shooshed him quietly.

"This, right here, isn't about me, this is about you. Yes, things have been rough with me but I am still learning to move on, you aren't moving on, Johnny. You're just going downwards, you're not letting anyone see it, you think you are unnoticed, unheard, unwanted, baby you got it all wrong. You're important. Believe it, or don't but please believe it. The gang would lose their minds without you here, think about Dally, what would happen if you died, or left us, I don't think he'd ever be the same again. And Keith, you know how he is with alcohol, he would end up just like your mother did. And Soda and Steve, even though they don't say it much but they love you to death, and would kill for you. And Darry, jesus he already has lost so many, if he loses you, its over with, he'll lose all motivation for everything. You have to realize that you are somebody people idolize, you are somebody who people loath, you are inspiring. Look what you've been through, you are living proof that shit happens and people aren't alone. You are somebody. And loved by so many, even if your folks never treated you like they should have, we will make up for it, we are your family and fuck, we lose you, we lose everything." His mouth was parted in shock, like as if my words were absolutely insane but, he was convinced. I could see it.

"I guess you did know what to say after all. . . " He gave a small giggle that made my heart warm up. So I smiled too and kissed his lips once more, savoring the warmth for a moment.

"Ponyboy. . . what would happen if you lost me?" He suddenly pulled away, asking me this. I had to think for a second, what would happen if I lost him? Just the thought brings a heavy weight on my chest

"Well. . . to tell you the complete truth, I'd probably off myself. I couldn't think about losing you, my parents, everyone really, I would lose it. My mind would just, become frozen, locked, because now, theres nothing left to live for." I let him out of the grip and brought him over to the bed. We lied down onto the bed and he immediately curled up. But He kept giving me this thoughtful but determined look, but he was calm, and he was content.

"You can't die." He whispers, still staring at me. I lifted by hand and carresed the side of his face.

"Then you can't die either." I stated, and he sighed deeply, but he nodded.

"Pinkie promise?" He asked, and stuck his pinky in the air as we cuddled close, I grabbed a hold of it tightly with my own pinky

"Pinky promise." I said and he gave me a small smile as he closed his eyes. I reached behind us and pulled the thick white comforter over the both of us.

Once I got comfy beside him, I looked at him one last time, his face looked fragile, and frail. His skin was tinted almost grey like, almost as if he were dying. His hair lied in a quiff on his forehead, hiding behind it, were his brows. His hands, were bundled up on the pillow and he lied in a fetal position almost,

But all that aside. . . for the first time, in a very long while. . . He finally looked peaceful.