Daddy Issues - Johnnyboy

22; make it all go away

We trudged up the steps without getting any other remarks from the boys, which I was grateful for, I couldn't be seen by them, especially now. I'm a fucking disgrace, always have been. What the hell is my problem? I've never had so much anger towards anyone in all my life, and to think I channeled all of that to Dallas, is scary to me. Dally is my idol, my hero, he's the person I go to when I need a favor, other than Pony of course. Sometimes, when I felt as if I was burdening the Curtis', I'd go to Dally, and I found out over time, that Dallas is actually a very understanding, and dare I say it, sensitive person.

I guess you could call me a sensitive person. But I never really liked to admit that, I'm a greaser, you can't be fucking sensitive or else you'll be every soc's target for the rest of your life, and that's exactly what happened to me. Its funny really, I'm older and more aware than Ponyboy and yet, I'm sensitive and everyone's target. Great. Just the thing to think about right now.

"Pony . . . What the hell is wrong with me?" I put my head in my hands and I sat there, contemplating whether or not I should go back down there, and apologize for what I just did.

"Nothing is wrong with you, sugar. You're just . . . finally seeing how real things are. You're becoming tough, its okay." That scared me, that wasn't my intention. No. No! That's not it! That couldn't be it, I could never be tough. I physically, mentally, and emotionally could not whatsoever be tough in any way shape or form.
Come to think of it, what were my intentions? What am I trying to get them to understand? Me? What I'm going through? What is it?! I don't- I can't understand it anymore.

What am I trying to accomplish with this?! Am I trying to prove myself? To prove that I wasn't some young delinquent who got pushed around? Maybe so. . . who was I trying to be when I found out my father died? A hero? A criminal? No, none of those, A junkie though, now that would make sense. I was a damn junkie,

I'm a worthless fucking junkie. This is what life has come to.

Without answering him, I stood up and I growled loudly in frustration. I smacked things of off Pony's desk, and punched and kicked everything that was in sight. I felt tears roll down my face as I kept pounding my fist into the wall, over and over, my hand was throbbing, the sensation was getting over whelming but it felt nice to feel something again.

"Johnny stop it. You'll hurt yourself!" Pony tried to pry me off of the wall but I just started to scream my head off.

I screamed because eveything that I've been trying to keep down, was bubbling back up. I screamed because I wanted to be loved as much as I loved everybody else. I screamed because I am causing unnecessary drama between the siblings and the gang, I screamed because I now started something that I can't possibly fix and dragged someone down with me. I screamed because I wanted to.

I needed to. I can't keep this to myself anymore. I want it to stop. I need it to stop, for the love of god please make it stop.
Its too much,
Its all too much.
Please. Please. Please.
I've never got down on my knees once for you, I've never believed in your existence but please, god. If you're up there, Help me. Help me please, its the only thing I've ever asked for.

I felt arms around me but I couldn't be sure who it was, I was thrashing around, crying out for Ponyboy, I needed him, I wanted him to hold me like he did before, when I finally had my breakdown. But, I think right now, in this moment, is where I'm really breaking. I'm falling apart at the seams and no one is there to pull me together. At least not now, I feel like a toddler who needs reassurance from their parent . . . I had one. I had one that was there when I fell down, when I was the only one around to care for others, he did too. But now he's gone. And there is absolutely nothing I could do about that.

I was thrown down onto the ground, pinned by someone much bigger than I was. But I couldn't, I wouldn't Open my eyes. So I went into a panicked frenzy and started to scream out Ponyboy's name. I felt as if my throat was raw at this point,

"Help me! Please!" I sobbed, "Make it stop, please make it stop!" I screeched. I feel like everything around me was just one big problem, one big problem that I couldn't fix. And I'm sure this time, no one could.

"Johnny stop it! Look at me! Look at me, dammit!" I stopped then, breathing heavily. I opened my eyes slow and stared in front of me. Darry had me pinned to the floor and was out of breath doing so.

That's when everything slowly started to fade away, I could hear voices and sounds, at some point, I thought I heard music. The the sound got louder, this 'Music' was blaring, so loud it sounded like ringing, then the ringing turned painful. I couldn't hear right,

"Stop it!" I yelled out, finally silencing the noises. I looked around the room and saw everyone staring at me.

"W-what happened?" I asked softly and everyone turnes their heads in confusion.

"You don't remember what just happened, not even two minutes ago, Johnny?" Soda spoke and I shook my head.

What did I do?

Ponyboy was crying so hard on the bed, cowering away. I felt so confused. Darry released his grip, freeing me. I walked up to Pony and looked at the surroundings. Everything was on the ground, clothes, books, everything. The wall was dented and it looked cracked. I lifted my hand to see that it was red raw, it had faint little blotches of blood and it was slowly numbing to a point of worry. I leaned down to see Ponyboy but he wouldn't look at me, I gave him a bone crushing hug then, hoping for some kind of reaction.

"What did I- What? Why would I do this?" I muttered and everyone had concerned looks on their faces, even Pony.

"You hit me, on accident. . . " Pony whimpered out.

Oh my god. Oh- Oh my god.

I looked down at my hand in pure disgust, how could I be so fucking stupid. I'm so selfish. I'm such a fucking- I backed up slowly, but then Ponyboy looked at me and I wanted to cry, his eyes were filled with unshed tears. But I could see in his eyes that I had been forgiven.
But I'd never forgive myself for this.

"Johnny, I'm sure you didn't mean any-"

"Don't touch me. . . Don't. You'll get hurt, I'm sure of it."

~~~
I feel like shit about this chapter. I feel like I should edit this tomorrow and have it be more descriptive. Yeah. . .