cupid paints blindly {book 2}

The Diary

<Flashback to Margot's Diary>

How should I start this off? I've never really had a diary or journal of any sort, so I guess I just write down how I'm feeling. I guess this is my temporary replacement for my in conscience, which I know sounds stupid. But it's not like this is some written letter to anyone. It's just a way to cope with everything...at least that's what Karen says. Goddamnit I sound like a nerd, but like I said, I don't have anyone or thing to impress with this stupid book. So here it goes...

Day 1: March 4th 2017

I've tried calling Tom all day and the one time he picked up, he acted like nothing had happened after the day at the airport. He completely ignored my texts for apologies or whatever I could think of to get him to talk to me. But then again, that's Tom. Whenever he's really, really hurt, he doesn't tend to talk about it. He doesn't want his bad mood to "affect anyone else", so he just doesn't talk. I've told him that it isn't healthy to do this sort of thing to yourself when you are hurt, trust me, I'd know.

But he still won't talk.

He instead has tried to switch the conversation towards whatever else he could sum up to distract from what we both know needed to be said. What's even worse is when he'd try to butter me up. He had his different methods of sweetening me, but this method just made my heart ache. He was actually thinking of quitting his job to come spend more time with me. I absolutely begged him to not do this, to the point of a huge argument blowing up between us which led to him finally agreeing to stick to directing.

Yet this took the whole day though, and it took the whole conversation. But none of us got to speak about any of what truly needed to be said. I guess that's where this day ends with an unfinished resolution.

Day 2: March 5th, 2017

Today I met up with my mum for lunch after she flew in to see me for just today. We went to some café for lunch before heading off to see one of my mum's favorite bands preform at a festival. It didn't take her long to notice my discomfort. She asked me if it was about Jared, and I almost forgot that she had known. I told her that it wasn't, yet part of me knew that I was still hurt from him even with my confidence that he would remember me.

I finally spilled out everything that had gone down, and I was thanking God in heaven that she was as supportive as a mother could be. I actually laid my head on her shoulder and cried for a good thirty minutes back at the hotel before we went down to the lobby to get ice cream pops as a cheer-up method. We later tried to talk about anything other than Tom or Jared, but any movie we tried to put on just led me to think of them.

A break up movie or guilt movie reminded me of Tom. A romance movie or loss movie reminded me of Jared. I sound pathetic but I guess that's what I am by now. I had a perfect, stead fast life until I began Suicide Squad. Then I met Jared and my whole life turned upside down. I now understood the hard celebrity love life that I hoped I'd never endure. And the more I tried to push the feelings away, the stronger they came. But why should I waste time writing an entire love novel inside this diary. Guess I'll save that for later though, because maybe it will remind me I actually had something then...

Day 3: March 6th, 2017

I met up with Karen again today. But we had to cut it short when I suddenly got an urgent call from Tom. He wanted to know if he could meet up with me and take a break from shooting his movie. I thought this would be a great idea...until I found out he wanted to bring his co-assistant...a women... along with him. She was a big fan of my work, and he said that he "couldn't disappoint a friend" but he just wanted to ask me first. I shouldn't feel betrayed, since I knew he wanted to see me for more than just a friend's wishing.
But I still felt oddly sour about hearing him want to take a new friend with him. It wasn't so much that it was girl, but more that he had a new friend. It made me feel even more awful that he was almost moving on without me. I knew how hypocritical that sounded, but I wished he at least knew the truth to spare himself from feeling guilt. Because as far as he knew, he might as well think he was the one betraying me.
Oh, Tom, you are so wrong...

And I...I am so pathetic.

Day 4: March 7th, 2017

I saw Logan today with Will Smith and it was terrific. I loved every single bit of it and hanging with Will just made it so much better.

It was like old times on the set of Focus back in 2015, which made me crave for it to actually be that year again. We caught up and had dinner later that day, and for once I wish that I didn't have to say goodbye. A person like Will could always brighten your day no matter how awful it was. He truly radiated sunshine wherever he decided to go.

Day 5: March 8th, 2017-March 9th, 2017

I had a pretty decent start to the day. I practically binged watched Friends, Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D., and The Walking Dead Season 7 for the entire day while eating nothing but donuts and drinking Bud Light. I hadn't had a day like this in what seemed like years. And as disgusting as it sounds, I frankly don't give a crap. I'm just enjoying one last binge day before I had to get back in shape. It was the perfect lazy...until I got...the call.
I couldn't hold it in. I cried and cried and cried until I'm sure my tears were about to turn into the Bud Light I just chugged. Maybe this was also the best time to get wasted. No, it was the perfect time after the call. So I went out and drowned my sorrow in a few more beers and liquor at the nearest club, but after getting a little too drunk I hobbled home and went right to bed, walking up almost every hour to puke or cry, or maybe both. It was now the next day, and I wished to hell that I had not scuffed all that booze down the night before my workout. I woke up only thirty minutes before I had to leave with Karen, my phone vibrating from her texts consistently like an alarm clock. I quickly showered and headed out the door, putting in a fake smile and  facade to start the day out. Even if my head wasn't the clearest, I still knew one thing. One crucial damn thing that had caused my meltdown yesterday.

My father was in the hospital...and he had cancer.

There's the diary section that Jared has managed to read thanks to his thievery. But let's just say that after this, maybe he'll feel a sliver of guilt. You know, if he doesn't think it's all a lie. But you'll have to read more to find out!! I'm getting back to my normal updates faster now, which I hope I didn't just jinx. Anyways, hope you enjoyed the flashback!!!! 🤗🤗🤗😍😍😍😍😘😘😘😘😘