The Winter Soldier is Still Here (Bucky Barnes/Winter Soldier x reader)

Unhinged

BUCKY POV
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Right now my head
Isn't screwed on right
And I can't decide what I want

Every sweat just breaks me a little
And I know you can't take this back and forth
It's not really safe for you in the middle
When you close that door you see
It's unhinged, it's just like me

I stared at the door for quite some time. I have no idea how long I just laid there, staring in unbelief. Part of me half expected her to come back through the door any moment, smiling with a joke to lighten the mood. I could almost see and hear the scene in my own mind.

A shadow appears behind the glass on the door. I lay there, recognizing immediately the outline of her. She stands there momentarily, before leaning into the window to see if she can see me well enough through the cathedral glass. She would give up, an almost visible sigh, and walk through the door with a smirk on her lips. "I bet you thought I left, didn't you?" She would ask me, flashing a Dunkin' Donuts bag my way. I would smirk back, pushing away the legitimate fear mixed with relief. "You? Never? You told me you wouldn't leave me," I would attempt to joke to mask the true stress that had mounted my entire body as I thought she had finally chosen sense in getting away from me. She'd cross the room cheerfully and when she reached me, she'd lean me up so she could sit and place my head in her lap and begin to run her fingers through my hair until I fell asleep, perfectly content in that moment. Then a thought literally made me shake.

She actually left. She left. She told me she loved me...and she walked out the door...out of my life. My mind seemed to go completely blank due to shock. As stubborn as she is, I didn't expect her to actually leave. I felt my head grow cold. It was as if the farther she got away from me, the iciness crept back into my mind and body. I just...can't believe she actually left. I know she'll be better off without me. I know she's safer. She'll be happier. She won't be as worried all the time. She can get back to her life, a normal one. I could hear myself listing positive facts to combat the underlying depression that was creeping back in. One of those Ed Sheeran songs she loves popped into my head.

Ain't nobody hurt you like I hurt you.
But ain't nobody love you like I do.
Promise that I will not take it on personal
If you're moving on with someone new...
Until then I'll smile and hide the truth
That I was happier with you.

Ain't nobody hurt you like I hurt you
But ain't nobody need you like I do
I know that there's others that deserve you
But my darling, I am still in love with you

This was my life now. Back to the never ending darkness. Maybe once I got the guts to go back to the tower, or if they found me first, I could see if Tony could figure out how to erase her from my memory. The coffee table fell down. I didn't realize I had been gripping the leg of it. I had squeezed it until the wooden leg broke in half. How could I ever think that? How could I ever forget her? I couldn't. I'd rather live through this hell of a life and have a few good memories of it. Glimpses to prove that I could be happy at some points even if they were very few.

My eyes flickered to the door quickly when I saw the remnants of a shadow, hope inside my chest doing the same. The door opened and in my mind, I saw her but after I blinked, it wasn't.

"Steve."

I uttered his name but it was a dumbfounded utterance. I was still shocked and it felt like I was dying all over again.

"Hey man."

He came in and sat down in the chair beside the couch and just looked at me.

"So you're back to you, huh?"

All I could do was make a noise that was an attempt at a yes, but it didn't have any meaning or life behind it.

"How's Natasha?"

"She's okay. She's resting."

There was silence for a long time. He didn't say anything, nor did I. I think it was the first time I could remember-which wasn't saying a lot-Steve not being able to find what to say. After I couldn't bear the silence any longer, I was able to muster up the words I didn't want to believe.

"She's gone."

He looked at me, suddenly confused by my words and who I was talking about. Then he realized.

"No, Buck, she's back at the Tower. She's okay. She's waiting for us to find you and bring you back."

"She's gone."

"Buck- she's not. She's at the t-"

"Steve!" My tone gained his attention and made him stop. "She's gone. She was here.....She's gone." He looked at me bewildered.

"She...she was here when I got here. She knew where I'd end up, Steve. I didn't even know I'd end up here, but she did. She was waiting right here." I sat up and pointed at the couch cushion to my left. "She was here waiting patiently, fearlessly, despite what she had just witnessed." I waited for him to ask me something, but he just waited for me to continue, knowing that'd probably make things easier on me. "She...hugged me, held me, explained she felt drawn here...cleaned me up. She told me she loved me." He couldn't stop himself.

"And left? Maybe she's just gone to the store, Buck. She probably went to get some antiseptic or some-"

"No. She's gone." I knew I was staring at nothing, the bleak black hole that was red eclipsing in my heart and life.

"Buck, you don't kno-"

"I told her to." That stopped his argument. I could hear the anger begin to grow in his voice.

"You told her to? You told her to leave?" I could only nod, waiting for the tongue lashing that meant nothing because she was gone and that was all that mattered. "Buck! Why the hell would you tell her to leave? Bucky, she's the most important thing to you and the main source of happiness in your life, for Christ's sake! That's the last thing you need!" He rose from the chair and began to pace. My eyes didn't follow him, but my senses knew the movement well.

"I couldn't...risk...hurting her again, Steve. You know that."

"Buck! You didn't hurt her! You literally stopped yourself! You saw her and came to your senses! YOU came back because of her! That's progress!" My body and voice rose in response.

"So what, Steve?! How close was I to hurting her? Had Natasha not been there, I would have hurt her!"

"Dammit, Buck! You don't know that!!"

"Steve. I do know! I'm the one stuck in my own mind, remember! I know exactly what I would have done and how bad I would have hurt her. Natasha was the only distraction that saved (y/n)'s life!"

My words didn't quite shock him, but they stopped his argument nonetheless. He returned to his chair so I did the same, letting my blood pressure return to normal.

"Do you know for sure?"

"I told her to leave. She didn't say much for a while, just continued to clean me up. She finished, put away the cleaning supplies, told me she loved me...and walked out. She was about to cry. It's the best I can figure. She didn't even argue it." I paused and when I tried to speak, the words caught in my throat. "She always argues it..."