A Storm In Mind

Chapter 8 - The Meeting

Next morning I didn't know what day it was, I'd lost all track of days. I dragged myself out of bed and went to look at the information board downstairs, 'oh, Thursday'. I got a drink then went back to bed. The clock read 5:24am. I sunk back under the duvet, tossed and turned, at half 6 I went downstairs to talk to Mike.

"Mike" I said,

"Ryan, are you ok?" he asked

"yeah, I need to talk to you Mike, about school."

We went in to the office. "Mike, how long am I suspended for?"

"Well, Mr Williamson has given a 5 day suspension, but we've got a meeting with him this afternoon at 12:45." Mike said.

I sighed, "Do I have to go?"

"Yes, you do." Mike said sternly.

I was starting to panic, "Where's the meeting at? Who's going to be there?

"Well I'm trying to get Mr Williamson to come here, but it'll be him, Mrs Baggueley, Lisa, you and me." Mike said calmly.

"Mike, do school know?" I asked,

" about your anxiety? Yep, Lisa spoke to Mr Williamson on Tuesday." He said.

"But they'll think I'm mad, they're gonna treat me different Mike, then everybody'll know, why can't Lisa just keep her mouth shut!" I stormed out of the office and back into my room, slamming the door closed.

I heard the others swarm to the kitchen for breakfast like a wasp around sweets. I was so angry with Lisa, angry with the world. 'I can't go to this meeting, not now they all know.'

Mike came into my room after the others had left for school. "Just leave me alone Mike." I said.

"No, you listen to me Ryan; there have been enough secrets around here, missing information from your file, information that needed to be passed on." He pushed an email onto my bed "recognise this Ryan?"

I glanced down, "should I?"

Mike continued "well amazingly, it found its way into my junk mail the same day you arrived and managed to spill coffee all over my computer, anyway, I understand why you didn't want me, or anyone else to know, but Ryan, it's about keeping you safe." He concluded.

"Firstly, I don't know anything about some stupid email, and secondly, I apologised for spilling your coffee, and this is MY life Mike, everybody's good at telling me what to do, but nobody listens to me, I ain't going to some meeting, so you can all go and talk about me, make plans behind my back, in fact, you can all just GO TO HELL!"

Mike left my room without saying another word. I know he knows I'm lying about the email, but it's my business, I was protecting myself. Why can't anyone see that? Do you know what, I don't care what punishment I get, worse they can do is send me away again, not like that's not happened before.

Lisa arrived at 12.00, she came upstairs.

"Ryan, can I come in?"

"No!" I yelled back,

"I know you're angry Ryan, I had to tell the school, please let me in." I sat behind my door unsure of what I was going to do, then I stood and let her in.

"Ryan, I am sorry, but we all have a duty of care, and that means sharing information"

"I just don't wanna be treated any differently Lisa." I cried,

"Look, this meetings your chance to say that, and to see what the school can offer. Please come Ryan, it's important - you need to know what's going to happen just as much as the rest of us, and it'll help your anxiety to have a plan." She said.

"Lisa, they'll laugh, can you imagine how humiliating it'll be when all my teachers know, especially Warrilow, he hates me anyway, it'll make his day." I spoke.

"No-one will laugh Ryan, it's an illness, no stigma"

I sighed, "Who are you kidding Lisa? It's just another label, Ryan the troublemaker, and now this, Ryan the freak! No, I can't take it Lisa, I don't wanna go back, tell me you won't make me" I begged her. Lisa asked me again to come to the meeting, but I just can't face them. I just wanna run away and die.

The meeting started without me, I sat on the top step of the stairs out of sight. I could hear the hum of voices in the office, then a while later the office door opened so I bolted back to my room,

Mike knocked, "Ryan, I think now would be a really good time for you to come and join us," he said gently opening the door.

"I can't Mike, I'm scared, I can't face them."

Mike put his arm around my shoulder, "you're not alone Ryan, we'll do this together."

"But you don't understand Mike; I'm ashamed, of what I did, of who I am, of what I am." I said.

"There's no shame in being poorly Ryan, you made a great start these last few days, with us, Dr Bourne, now you need to take the next step."

"I can't".

I know Mike's right, but I'd anywhere but here now. I decided to follow Mike downstairs, stopping at the foot of the stairs. I felt clammy, my hearts racing "its okay Ryan" Mike said as he put his arm around my shoulder and we walked to the office. As I entered the office, I was expecting Mr Williamson or Mrs Baggueley to scowl at me or, I don't know, make some comment, but they just gave me a warm smile.

I sat between Mike and Lisa, my head bowed, I couldn't face them. "I'm so sorry Sir, I'm sorry Miss" I started "I...I wanna make things right, I don't wanna be like this, I'm sorry"

"Ryan, you're poorly, we should apologise to you, all the signs were there, but just didn't see the warnings and instead we punished you. Look we want to support you in any way we can" Mr Williamson said.

"I...I don't wanna be treated any differently."

Mike touched my arm; my anxiety was reaching a peak "Do you want to go to the quiet room Ryan?"

I shook my head, "No, no, I wanna stay.....I think, I just, I don't know, I don't know how......I can't do this, I can't do this I'm sorry." I ran out of the office and back to my room for safety. I curled up on the bed.

May-Li came in "Aw Ryan, I'm really proud of you, you did so well back there."

I just glanced at her then stared at the floor "No, I made a complete fool out of myself May-Li" I said,

"You didn't Ryan, I promise" she said, touching my arm.