A Storm In Mind

Chapter 25

I arrived back at the hospital and was led to my room. It was yet another simple room, pale yellow walls, the heavy door, curtains aside the bed and a window by the door. This was my safe space. I could completely melt down here without people seeing, well only the staff but I'm passed having any dignity left. Yeah the staff do their best but, when you can't even control your own mind, there's not much dignity anyway.

Dave the nurse came to book me in, "Hey Ryan." He said greeting me "Yeah; I'm back!" I spat annoyed at the whole situation and feeling a complete failure all over again. "Well, it's nice to see you, I just wish you were feeling better that's all. Let's see what we can do?" I sighed, "I just wanna sleep please, can we do this later?" I wasn't really tired - I just didn't want to be answering millions of questions. " Come on matey, let's just get it done and have a rest afterwards Yeah?" He encouraged. "No allergies; just look at my old notes! nothing's changed!" I said aggressively. "Alright lad, have it your way. I'll be back before tea." Dave said and left. I just sat in my bed curled up. I can't fight; I'm too tired of it all. I'll just pretend I'm better in a few days, that whatever they do is helping, then when I go home I'll sort the problem myself. Maybe that's what I should've done in the first place. Why did I agree to come back in here? They can't help me, they tried; nothing helps.

The nurses just kept an eye on me, I pretended to be asleep but I know how they work. "Ryan, time for your tablets matey," Dave said as I pretended to wake, "three? why three?" I challenged. "Matt wants to try a new medication alongside what you already have." he explained "You just want me so off my head that I just sleep!! I snapped angrily, "Ryan, you know that's not how we work here, we just need to try to get everything balanced - the chemicals in your brain, your emotions, your physical symptoms; sometimes its just about trying new things." he continued. I sighed angrily, "Just give them to me - I'll take them. Just leave me alone!"

Not long after another nurse brought my food. "Hey Ryan, teatime." she said, "No thanks," I sighed "Ryan, you need to eat something, just try the soup or the pudding, anything?" she prompted, "I said I'm not hungry!!!" She placed the food on the table at the side of the bed "okay pet." she sighed and left. I didn't eat anything, what's the point? I'd rather be hungry than mad - not that I had a choice about the latter.

"You coming down for a bit Ryan?" A healthcare assistant asked as he knocked on my door, "what for?" I asked subdued. "It's activities," he explained, "if you want to join in?"

"Nah" I sighed and turned over. Dave was in the corridor though, I heard him talking! 'I do hope he isn't coming here!' I thought. Sure thing, there he was, knocking at my door! "Ryan." Dave called but I just ignored him. "Ryan, I know you're awake." he said, I sighed heavily "What now??" Dave came and sat at the foot of my bed, "I just want to talk to you," he said softly, "Well I don't wanna fucking talk to you!" I yelled back. "Ryan, we've been here before, you not eating," he began, "Just leave it Dave!" I retorted, "Ryan, I'll have to log it." Dave said sternly. "Do whatever, just leave me alone!" I huffed again. Dave left, obviously defeated; not that I felt victorious.

I liked being on my own, if I'm on my own I can't hurt anyone.

Hours ticked by, I stared, oblivious to my surroundings. I'm solely lost in my screwed up thoughts, a wild beast imprisoned by the heavy trees in the forest - the heavy trees just being my own memories and the roots of those trees are what entangle me. Is it even possible to forget your past? Isn't your past what teaches you and shapes you into the person you are now? If Dad hadn't done all those things who would I be? I might even have been a normal person (hah...I can't help but laugh normal...what even is normal?) My laugh returns me to reality, I blink adjusting my eyes to the lights that somehow seem to burn my eyes, as I look around the room, the sterile room that I accept will be my home. I have nothing to fight with, I will just let the darkness inside me consume me.