A Storm In Mind

Chapter 20 -

I went to the DBT (Dialetical Behaviour therapy) group today - Mindfulness! ...I rolled my eyes, seriously - like this is going to help, what are they expecting me to do....chant? I looked around the group, there were only a few of us; I knew only Dan.

"Ok, let's all say our first names and one positive thing about yourself" Chris said, "I'll start, I'm Chris I'm good at Minecraft!" the group laughed. Unfortunately I was next to Chris....

"Erm, I'm Ryan, I.....erm....i'm pretty good at skateboarding." The others smiled and gave a smile. Once everyone had introduced themselves we started...

"Okay folks, we're going to be looking at mindfulness today, it's a bit of a strange thing this and something that none of us are very good at.... even me!" Chris began but by the end, I'm not sure I understood anything in that session anyway!

That was more difficult that I imagined; and he gave us homework "to aid your recovery" he said. I feel like I'm being bombarded with counselling and all the other stuff, it's quite overwhelming. Keep a diary for this and that so you can see how far you've come on your bad days...blah blah blah!

I had counselling with some woman named Ann today. She was nice. I can't remember half of what I'd said though, after I left the session; I was just so physically and emotionally drained - all I remember is the tears falling from my eyes and the tight knotted feeling - like all the emotions were clumped together and sitting in a heap on my chest. I was allowed to rest in my room for a while before joining Education this afternoon.

Education was more relaxed than school. It's a steadier pace, I suppose it has to be in here. I had done a few basic tests to assess what level I was at so that Steve and Sarah the tutors could liaise with my school to ensure I didn't fall behind too much. I'm not sure how I will manage to be honest, especially with everything else, how can I keep up with my school work, and work through all the therapy regime as well?

I only had an hour and a half education today, then I had art therapy..I'm exhausted now, it's so intense, and I've got such a headache. I've been here over a week, I don't remember if Mike saw me when I was in the PICU so I think I'll ring him, I need to just hear his voice.

The phone started to ring on the other end.....my hearts beating faster, I'm so afraid....how stupid is that?

"Ashdene Ridge, Mike speaking, how can I help?"

I paused, I couldn't speak. I'd been wanting to talk to Mike since I realised I was in here, I took a deep breath; "M...Mike, it's me, Ryan" I started.

"Hey kiddo, how you doing?" Mike asked sounding really happy to hear from me.

I could feel myself starting to get emotional, "I'm okay Mike, will you come and see me....please??" I begged, just hoping Mike still cared for me and would keep his promise about us 'doing this together.'

"Of course Ryan, I'm coming tomorrow - hasn't anyone told you?" Mike questioned

"No, no they haven't" I said almost feeling betrayed by them.

"Anyway how you feeling Ryan?" Mike asked, sounding genuinely interested in me

"Really tired Mike, I've been to all the sessions though; like I promised. I just want to come home - I can come home can't I?" I asked nervously

"Yes Ryan - you are coming home once all the assessments and treatment plans are in place. I know you've been working hard son, and I'm so proud of you, I really am. I know you can do this!" Mike said encouragingly.

"Jim, my keyworker, he said it's complex something Mike; I don't understand it really, but he says things can get better - I want to get better Mike, I really do!" I cried

"I know son, and you're doing so well, I believe in you Ryan"

"Are you really coming tomorrow Mike?" I asked desperately wanting to see him

"Yes Ryan, I am"

"Thank you Mike, Thank you, I miss you all so much." I said with a tinge of sadness in my voice

"I know you do, and we all miss you Ryan, you'll be home soon, where you belong kiddo." Mike said.

We said our goodbyes and I went to the quiet area. Dan was there, "You okay Ryan?"

"Yeah, I think so, Why didn't they tell me Mike's coming tomorrow? I mean, why is it all such a secret? Are they planning something? If I hadn't phoned, I wouldn't have had a clue! I think they're up to something you know Dan"

Dan just looked at me "Maybe they have just been too busy and forgot to pass the message on mate." He said. I wasn't convinced though.

I decided I was going to speak to the nurse in charge. This is bang out of order - keeping secrets. Have they any idea how hard it is being in here away from your family and friends?? I was livid at what I perceived as betrayal.

"Dave, can I have a word?" I asked going to the office

"Sure, what's wrong Ryan?"

"Why didn't any of you lot tell me Mike's coming to see me tomorrow? You know how desperate I've been to see him, yet it totally slipped your minds did it?" I questioned angrily

"Ryan, calm down, it hadn't slipped my mind, I was waiting for you to finish your sessions then I was coming to tell you myself. It's just you've spoken to Mike first" he tried to reassure me.

"Really, how convenient! I spat. "I fucking hate it in here..I want to go home - with Mike - tomorrow!" I yelled

"Ryan, come and sit down, please, let's talk about this?"

"Why would I want to talk to you? You don't care about me!" I yelled and stormed off to my room.

As I was sat in my room, I started to feel the panic rising again, 'what if I've just blown all my chances of getting out of here now?' I just sat on the bed with my headphones on and tried not to think about what I'd just done. Jim appeared in the doorway

"Ryan...you okay?" He asked

"No - I fucking hate it in here and now I've just fucked up any chance of getting out of here because I got angry about him not telling me about Mike's visit!" I yelled "I aren't getting any better - oh yeah the medications are supposedly controlling the anxiety and flashbacks - but I can take the medication at home!"

"True, you could take the medications at home, but, you've come a long way in a short space of time Ryan, you're opening up to us about your feelings and that's the first step. You're not going to get better over night, it's a long process with setbacks along the way Ryan, but give us a chance. I know how much you want to go home, and like I said a few days ago - we're always working towards discharge. Tomorrow's visit with Mike is partly to arrange a home visit for a few hours to see how you manage." He said

"Why didn't Dave say that then?" I spat

"Did you give him the chance?" Jim asked

"No....." I sighed, realising that yet again I'd overreacted.

I went down to find Dave, I have to apologise. What an idiot I am!" He was in a meeting when I went downstairs, but he came to find me before he went off duty.

"I'm sorry Ryan, that you feel we're keeping secrets. I was going to tell you about Mike's visit like I said, look, I'm not on duty tomorrow - but I hope it goes well." Dave said

"Wait..I'm sorry, sorry I yelled at you, and sorry I didn't listen to what you had to say. I'm just so desperate to see Mike, I'm sick of being on my own and constantly fighting my demons, I know you guys are helping me but, it's just... so hard."

"I understand that Ryan, and family are an important part in your recovery. Stick with it - it will get easier, I promise." He said.

"I hope so." I sighed.