A Storm In Mind

Chapter 11 - Panic

I must've dozed off again, I sighed, I don't know what's wrong with me, I just can't stay awake.

When I opened my eyes again, it was dark. I was alone - apart from some nurses and machines, not as many as before I don't think. I drifted off again. When I did eventually manage to wake up, Mike was by my side again.

"How ya doing?"

I could feel myself starting to cry, 'pathetic' I thought to myself. Mike just held my arm and I just cried, neither of us spoke.

The Doctor came on his morning rounds, "Hello Ryan, I'm Dr Dale, How you feeling?"

"Fine, I sighed, when can I go home?" I sighed.

"Some of your blood tests show you're not clinically fit to go home yet Ryan, so it'll be at least a few days." He said,

"I just want to go home!" I snapped

"Ryan you need to continue with your treatment until you're fit enough to go home. I know it's hard, but if you just wait a few more days, you'll start to notice a difference."

"Huh, What like I'll be running round like Mo Farah? I retorted sarcastically.

"Not quite - but not as sleepy, you'll at least be able to get out of bed and start mobilising again." He finished.

I sighed; I knew I couldn't argue with him. "You'd better be right," I muttered as he walked away.

"Ryan, these doctors and nurses are trying to help you - quit the attitude!" Mike scolded.

A while later; Chris came to see me. "Hi Ryan, remember me?" He asked.

"Should I?"

"We met briefly a few days ago, I wondered if we could have a chat?" he continued.

"About What?" I asked fear in my voice,

"About you Ryan."

I felt the panic, my heart started to beat faster as the machine at the side of me started to squeal.

"Calm down Ryan," Mike said, "Take deep breaths"

I knew this was it - he'd come to get in to my head, what section me? Send me away? All of these thoughts passing through my head, as I tried to follow Mike's instructions. I squeezed my eyes, the feelings just too much.........I must've passed out, when I came to I heard Mike telling Chris that this had happened before.

"You still here?" I scorned at Chris,

"Yes Ryan, it's clear we need to chat."

Fucking idiot I cursed myself, what did you have to go and faint for?

"Can you tell me what just happened Ryan?"

"YOU just happened, I snapped angrily sitting up, "leave me alone, I ain't talking to you or anyone else, who the fuck do you think you are, making......making.......m..." I couldn't breathe, I felt dizzy.

The nurse rushed over and put the mask over my face, she gently raised me onto my raised pillows, "Try to breathe normally sweetheart, its okay." I was exhausted all over again.

"I'm sorry Mike" I said as I woke again. "I can't tell them, please, don't you tell them Mike, they'll lock me away." Mike squeezed my hand. 

"Ryan, you have to tell them, we can't do this without their help." 

"We?" I said, 

"Yes Ryan, we. I told you, you're not on your own, we're a team and we'll get through this but we have to be honest about your feelings." He said reassuringly. 

"I'm so scared Mike, nothing makes sense anymore." 

"I know son, I know."