A Storm In Mind

Chapter 10 - Save me!

I started to wake, I could hear......a beeping noise, I tried to open my eyes, they were just so heavy.

"Its okay Ryan, you're safe sweetheart - just rest." A woman's voice spoke. Everything was black.

When I woke again I managed to open my eyes briefly, I could see.....machines, lights, tinfoil? This is a pretty bizarre dream! I willed myself to wake up, but I'm just so tired. Eventually, I don't know how long after, I woke up long enough to analyse my surroundings, I wasn't with Mum, stupid, stupid idiot I cursed myself, I was in hospital. Wires and machines all around me.

"Hey Ryan, you had us worried" Mike said

"huh?" I tried to turn over but I couldn't move.

"How you feeling?"

I didn't answer, there are no answers. I couldn't understand how anyone had found me or why I was still here, I wanted to be with Mum and now they'd want to know everything! I'm so angry at myself! How useless am I, can't even kill myself properly! I just closed my eyes.

"Hi Ryan, I'm Dr Gallagher, I opened my eyes to see some youngish Dr by my bed. "How you feeling?"

Oh I am so fed up with questions.....especially that one! I thought. I just lay there, I didn't answer. After numerous questions by Dr - whatever he said his name is, none that I answered, I just kept staring at the ceiling. I turned to face Mike; I could see the disappointment in his face, so I turned away. I wish they'd all just leave me alone, and now I'm trapped all over again.

I must've fallen asleep again, cuz when I woke up I looked at the window, and it was dark. I don't even know what day it is, what time it is - what the point is. I sighed. I'd still got all these machines around me, wires, being prodded and poked. I just want to die, why can't they just leave me alone?

Mike had stayed with me, I don't know how long for. When I woke up again Mike asked me to talk.

"What's going on Ryan?" I shook my head,

"I don't know Mike, I don't know."

"Please Ryan, talk to me, please tell me why?"

I sighed, "You wouldn't understand Mike."

"Maybe not, but please, you've got to tell someone Ryan."

"Just leave it Mike." I said softly.

"No, I won't Ryan, it's leaving it that's let it get this bad, you nearly died! If that Police dog hadn't found you when he did, we wouldn't be having this conversation!" Mike snapped.

I sighed again "Stupid Police dog, I've always hated dogs."

Mike's face changed, "Is that what you wanted Ryan....did you really want to die?"

I looked at Mike and then I looked away, there you go - the big secrets out. I'll get carted off now for sure. Oh well, maybe I'd be better locked up.

I dozed on and off for hours, part of me was just avoiding the inevitable, I was just so tired though - I felt drained. I couldn't bear to look at Mike, I can't even describe how I feel; mostly guilty, guilty for still being alive, guilty for all this - poor Mike doesn't look like he's slept in weeks, and I've done that. I want to be honest with Mike - I owe him that much at least, but I just can't, if I told anyone how I really feel, I don't know what'll happen to me. I don't even know how I feel, so how could I tell anyone? Tears rolled down my cheek once more.

"Ryan, please, talk to me, tell me what you're thinking?" Mike said

"I wouldn't know where to start Mike," I sobbed,

"tell me why you're so upset Ryan, what is so bad that you want to die?"

"Oh Mike, everything I touch - I ruin, Mum, Dad, school, You, I'm useless - I'm better off dead."

"Don't ever think that Ryan, none of what's happened is your fault. Your mum was poorly, your dad was to blame for what he did to you, School, we'll sort it, and I just want you to be healthy and happy Ryan."

I sobbed harder than before. I heard the words mike said, but I couldn't feel anything but pain, not physical, but emotional, I don't think I would heal my heart, it's too broken. My minds just closed down, I can't think. It's all just too much.

"Hello Ryan, I'm Chris, I'm from the Mental Health Team, I wondered if we could have a chat?" I sighed and turned my head away.

"If you want your friend to stay that's fine" he said.

"I've nothing to say." I snapped

"that's okay, I'll pop back later." He said and left.

"Please yourself." I said under my breath.

"Ryan you're not helping yourself by shutting people out, you've got to let someone in, anyone, please" Mike begged.

"When can I come home Mike" I questioned,

"When you're Stronger Ryan." He answered,

"Stronger?"

"Ryan, do you even understand how poorly you are?" I just looked at Mike, "You almost died Ryan, you've only just come out of intensive care, there's a long recovery ahead, both physically and emotionally, you need to let people help you with both." Mike said.

"What, talk to some shrink you mean? I'm not mad Mike, I'm not!" Mike held my arm gently.

"No-one thinks you're mad Ryan, I think you have so many thoughts and feelings, like spaghetti in your mind, that it's hard to deal with all by yourself."

I cried again, "its like flashes, in my mind, sometimes, like a video game - sometimes I just feel numb and other times I'm so angry I feel like I'm going to burst. I can't control any of it Mike, I'm frightened, please Mike, Help me!"