A Storm In Mind

Chapter 24

I waited for the others to go downstairs before jumping in the shower. I let the water run down my body, washing away that hospital feeling. I stepped out of the shower and went to my room to get dressed before joining the others. As I went downstairs some of the kids had already left the table, "hey Ryan," Tee called, I stared at her waiting for a sarcastic comment "how are you?" She asked taking me completely by surprise. "Yeah, good thanks, you?" I said trying to remain civil and upbeat. "All good." She said and went to the lounge. "Your tablet Ryan" Mai-lee said as I put a slice of bread into the toaster. I looked at the tablet, this tiny round pill was all that kept me sane. The toxic shame poured over me again. "Ryan," Mai-lee prompted, breaking my thoughts "Yeah, I know." I replied taking the tablet. I swallowed it and imagined it working through my body.

I returned to my room afterwards and sat down behind my door. 'Is this all I've really got to look forward to; a life of tablets and therapy, bastard father! How could he? What did I ever do to be like this?'

I could feel that sensation engulfing me again. I started to shake as yet again I was back there with him! I tried to fight his voice using what I'd been taught, but it wasn't working!! I didn't hear Tyler come into my room or feel him push against the door to get passed me, he took me in his arms and held me, I don't know what he was saying but eventually Tyler's soft voice was more powerful than his threatening voice and I started to relax. Tyler sat with me afterwards; we sat in silence. It was comfortable, I didn't feel judged.

"My mum has mental health problems" Tyler began, "What?" I asked caught completely off guard by what he'd just said. "My mum; she's been in mental health units too. What I mean matey is there's no shame." He continued.  "Your mum?" I questioned  still stunned, " Yeah, I hated her for a while because I didn't understand her. See when I came into care I thought she didn't want me; she never bothered with me. Some days she never got out of bed and then other days she'd be happier than someone who had won the lottery! You See, she didn't know she was I'll Ryan, just like you - she tried to cope on her own; ashamed, guilty; whatever the reason and now she's having support things are getting better. I want the same for you Ryan, I'm here for ya." I so didn't know how to answer that one! "Thank you...I mean it Tyler; thanks" I said smiling at him. "You be ok?" He asked. "Yeah, I think so, not sure where it all came from." I smiled unsure of who I was trying to reassure.

I tried to rest again. I felt safe in my room. Today's a bad day though, I'm guarded,  shaking, He's here most of the time - I'm trying to silence him but he's stronger than ever!! "Leave me; leave me!" I scream out traumatised as the flashback takes hold and I'm reliving it again "NO!!!!" was my last memory before I regained my composure and Mike and Tyler were in my room trying to calm me. I'm just exhausted again, I fall asleep.

Back again to the hospital today for therapy, oh well at least I'll be home later. "So, how's it been  over the last few days Ryan?" Matt asked. "Hard." I replied, "Hard?" Matt questioned further, I sighed heavily "He's there again, I'm back where I was at the start!" I spat. "Who's there Ryan?" Matt continued, "Dad! He's always there!" I despaired. "Explain to me what's been happening Ryan?" I looked to the floor "Like it always is - HIM; his face; his breath!" I explained.
"And are you able to speak to the young Ryan?" I shook my head disappointedly " No! No it doesn't work- I'm still broken!!!" I yelled in despair.

A few more weeks of therapy went by, some days were better than others and Tyler's right there supporting me though the good and the bad. Its nice to have someone on your side. I was spending a little more time with the others, like in the lounge and stuff. Today I'd been helping to prepare the vegetables for tea. I was sat at the table with my back to the kitchen. Floss, Billie and Toni were doing the dishes, their minor bickering amusing me. Just then I heard a smash: I leapt from my chair and automatically began to collect the broken crockery in my bare hand apologising over and over "Ryan, put the bits down you'll cut yourself" a distant voice said before "can't even cook a fucking sausage!" Rang in my ears repeatedly. I grabbed the dustpan and brush and started to frantically sweep the floor, Mike tried to stop me, he tried to lift me from the floor but "I've gotta clean it up, I've gotta clean it up, can't make him any more mad" was all I could think and say repeatedly. "What's wrong with Ryan?" I heard a child's voice ask.  I'd completely lost it! This was a full blown flashback, I couldn't move! This was the first ever flashback to that beating. I was used to flashbacks - well you know what I mean, but this, it was something I'd never experienced before - not that event and not so vividly.  I was truly back there. Once I regained my senses I realised I was now in a foetal position on the kitchen floor. I could hear a familiar voice trying to comfort me but I didn't know where I was or why it didn't look like my kitchen. I was confused - maybe it's just a bad dream I thought and closed my eyes.