A Storm In Mind

Chapter 12 - Regrets

A while later, Chris returned, "Sorry" I muttered

"It's okay Ryan, it's natural to want to protect yourself, your thoughts and feelings, they're private - but when those thoughts and feelings are all too much, sometimes we just need to share them to understand them." He said.

"Nothing makes any sense anymore." I sighed.

"Where can we start then, tell me how you're feeling now, at this moment,"

I sighed, "Guilty, stupid, scared, empty."

"Wow, okay, let's start with guilty, why do you feel guilty?"

I didn't know how to begin. "Cuz of how I spoke to you; cuz of poor Mike - he's exhausted because of me, but mostly...because of this...." I paused.

"This?" Chris questioned,

I paused not wanting to talk but I couldn't escape what I'd already said. "All of this mess. I just want to....."

Chris looked at me in anticipation of my next words "go on" he prompted

"I want to die." I sobbed again.

"Why do you feel like this Ryan?"

I sobbed, "I'm useless, I'm a failure, I'm just a troublemaker."

"Has someone said those words to you Ryan?" Chris asked,

"No, I just know I am." I said and turned away.

"These words, are you just expressing the lack of control in your own life Ryan, tell me why do you feel useless a failure?"

I paused again, "I...I....what kind of son am I, when I can't even save my own mum?" I sobbed,

"Tell me about your mum Ryan" Chris said,

"I loved her and she died". I broke down in tears,

"how old were you Ryan?" Chris urged me to continue,

"6, I should've been able to save her, make her better, I tried, I tried to be good, I thought, if I was just good, she'd get better, but she didn't!" Mike comforted me,

"You couldn't have saved your mum Ryan, only medicine, a cure would've saved her, none of which could. Have you ever really grieved for your mum Ryan?" Chris asked,

"I can't, cuz if I do, she's really gone."

"How do you feel when you think about your mum?"

I thought about mum, "I smile at her, I feel warm, safe......then she starts to fade and I'm scared, angry, alone......It's like there's a video game, playing in my head - flashes from one thing to another, repeats over and over, I can't stop it......It won't switch off!"

Chris laid his hand on my shoulder to calm me, "I understand Ryan, Is that the reason you want to die...to turn off the game?"

"Sometimes, yeah, but, I just want to feel safe, with mum again." I cried so hard, Mike held me in his arms.

"That's enough for now Ryan, you've done so well, thank you for sharing with me, now try to rest."

I didn't notice Chris leave; I was too lost in myself. I sobbed and sobbed. "I'm sorry Mike," I said, "It's not that I don't wanna be with you, I just, I want my mum so bad"

"Oh Ryan, come here." He hugged me again, "I know son, I know."

Oh, yet again I fallen asleep in Mike's arms, I realised as I woke up. Mike gave me a warm smile and winked "Alright kiddo?"

I couldn't smile, or respond, I was still here, nothing had changed; I don't feel any different; I still longed to be with mum. I sighed. How do I tell Mike? He's there by my side, yet I don't want him to be....do I? I sighed again. Maybe next time Chris comes I should speak to him alone? Oh God, what would he think of me? He couldn't hate me any more than I hate myself anyway.

I looked over at Mike, "Can you get Chris back for me Mike, please, tell him it's important....please" I begged.

Mike look concerned "I'll speak to the nurse."