A Storm In Mind

Chapter 13 - Demons

An hour or two later Chris arrived. "Hi Ryan, you wanted to see me?" he said.

"Can I speak to you on my own, please?" Mike smiled and left the room.

"What do you want to see me about Ryan?" Chris asked.

I just stared at him, somehow I was afraid of what I was going to say, I had no idea what was about to come out of my mouth.

"I thought - I thought I'd feel different, but I don't. I mean, telling you what goes on in my head, I thought it'd make it better, but it doesn't! I still want to be with mum; that's all I can think about. I know Mike's there and oh God I love Mike; but, he's not my mum. Before mum died, everything was fine. Why did she have to die? If she hadn't have died, dad wouldn't have hit me; he wouldn't have drank; I wouldn't have made him angry; Why? WHY???" I yelled.

I'd completely lost it. I spat it all out as I was thinking it; Chris just listened and let me spill it all out. I didn't cry this time; I was angry "I hate her for leaving me!" I finally admitted.

I sighed, I'm so confused, did I love mum, miss her, or just blame her and hate her? How could I, she's my mum, how can I say these things about her? I sighed as more tears escaped my eyes. "I'm so sorry" I said to Chris.

"You don't have to be sorry Ryan, there's obviously so many emotions inside of you that are all jumbled together." He said.

"I don't hate mum; not really, I'm just, I'm just so angry with her, why, why did she leave me? Didn't she want me? Was I not worth living for? Was I not worth loving?" I questioned.

"What do you think Ryan? Do you think your mum loved you? Do you think she had any control over her illness? Dying? Chris asked me.

"If she loved me she'd have fought!" I spat. "I hate her, but I don't want to hate her, I don't wanna feel like this" I sighed again. "It wouldn't have been like this if she hadn't have died." I paused.

"What happened after your mum died Ryan, can you tell me?" Chris asked,

I sobbed, "Dad started drinking, socially at first; he was always ignoring me; most of the time, he was either at work, or down the pub. Then he met someone, I didn't even meet her 'til she moved in. She had an older daughter, but she stayed mostly with her Nan, so I didn't see her very often. She's a few years older than me anyway." I paused again, "They were never home; I'd go to school, come home, cook, clean and go to bed. I had to learn how to use the washing machine; dad didn't know how, and she wouldn't do anything for me; I don't think she liked kids!"

"Dad started hitting me when he was drunk; I only had to say 'dad' and I'd get it, so I just learned not to speak unless he spoke to me. Then dad got that he'd come home, shout me to cook his tea and wash the dishes, then he'd punch me anyway. I didn't know what to do. Why I made him so angry all the time, I didn't mean to." I sighed. "The last time I saw him, he'd shouted me, but I'd fallen asleep in my room; I only heard him shout when he came into my room; but by then he was so mad!" I sobbed.

"Don't you ignore me you little bastard!" he shouted through gritted teeth, then he threw me onto the landing punching and kicking me; he dragged me to my feet and started dragging me down the stairs; and all I remember is falling; step after step, and then I don't know I heard Chloe shouting my name." I sobbed harder still, "He hated me, but I don't know why; I tried; I tried so hard to make him happy; I did everything I could; It just wasn't enough; IT JUST WASN'T ENOUGH!" I sobbed again.

"It's ok Ryan, you're safe." Chris said.

But it's like I'm back there; back to being that 10 year old little boy; at that house. I was sweating, shaking, palpitations and I couldn't catch my breath, I was out of control. "Ryan you're safe here, open your eyes." Chris was speaking but, part of me knew it was Chris, but I just saw my dad's face standing over me, all screwed up;

"Noooo!!" I yelled. Everything went black.

I felt awful when I came round "it's okay Ryan, shall I fetch Mike?" Chris asked gently.

"Please; I need Mike."

I was still trembling when Mike came back. I held my arms out, I just needed to be held; to feel safe. Maybe I do need Mike; Want Mike.

"Do you want to continue Ryan?" Chris asked

"Yeah, but only if Mike can stay" I said.

"If that's what you want, that's fine." Chris smiled. "Do you have these distressing flashbacks often Ryan?" Chris began.

I sighed, "Mostly at night; when I'm on my own. Sometimes I manage to nod off but, I wake up with his face staring at me or I feel panicky and I have the flashes before I can even go to sleep, and then I'm just too scared to close my eyes." I sobbed,

"How often do these flashbacks occur?" Chris continued,

"Every night, EVERY NIGHT......I'm so exhausted with it all; I just want to sleep." I sighed

"Is it always the same?" Chris questioned,

"Yeah, him, coming into my room, the kicking; punching; dragging; falling and then his face; He won't leave me alone!" I cried out.

"Okay Ryan," Chris said, "what about during the day, what happens then?"

I took a deep breath; "I get mum; mostly, during the day. Like she's with me, dya understand me?" I began. "I see her, I smile; I feel warm again; in fact I feel alive! But then she fades again. They just say I'm not concentrating; but I'm trying, I really am! When my mum comes, I can't; I won't ignore her!" I said.

"How often do you see your mum Ryan?" Chris asked me,

I sighed, "Dunno, it depends; sometimes, I see her all the time, and then sometimes, maybe just once or twice. I want her to be here all the time! I want her back!" I cried.

"I understand Ryan. Can you understand that your mum isn't physically here though?"

"I'm not mad!" I snapped at Chris.

"I don't mean that you are Ryan, I just need to know how you feel, and how you think when you have these flashbacks."

I snapped again..."I told ya; I know she's not in the room, but it doesn't make it any less real!"

Chris looked at me "Ryan, I'm on your side; I'm not accusing you of anything, I just need to be clear so I can give you the right help. He continued, "Are they the only flashbacks that you have?"

I sighed again, I was becoming exhausted, "mostly, yeah" I said.

"Can you think of anything that triggers these flashbacks?"

I breathed deep as I tried to think, "No, no I don't think so, they just happen. Him; at night mostly, every night; I'm so tired!" I sighed.

"Do you ever flashbacks of your dad during the daytime Ryan?" He probed again,

"Sometimes I have, yeah" I said thinking back.

"Can you think of anything that's happened before, that may have triggered them?"

I was too exhausted to continue now "No," I answered, "Can we stop now, please?"

Chris smiled "Of course Ryan, you really have done very well. You've made good progress; you should feel proud of yourself. All I ask, is that you try to keep a log of your flashbacks between now and next time I see you; times, dates, what happens before the flashbacks, this might help us to identify triggers" Chris concluded.

"Yeah, I'll try, thanks Chris, for coming back to see me" I said. Chris smiled as he left.

"Oh Ryan, I had no idea, I'm so sorry." Mike said.

"Doesn't matter, I want to get better; I need you Mike, you're the only one who believes in me." I said.

"We all believe in you Ryan; and, I'm right here, I'm not going anywhere." Mike said and gave a warm smile.