A Storm In Mind

Chapter 14 - Conspiring

So Lisa arrived today. To be honest, I'm really scared now, I just know she'll want to move me; I'm sure of it. 

"How you feeling Ryan?" Lisa asked, 

"Yeah,I'm alright." I replied trying to sound positive. 

"sorry I didn't get to you sooner Ryan, I was on annual leave" she began. 

"Oh it's okay, I'm fine" I said. 

"Well, you've been through a lot Ryan, and, I quite worried about you to be honest" she continued. 

"Lisa, I'm fine, I am!"  I protested.

Lisa continued, "Mike says you've been having support from Chris Sheratt, is that right?" She asked, 

"Who?" I asked, not recognising the name. 

"Chris?" she said again. 

"Chris......Chris....oh from the mental health team, yeah" I finally said. 

"How are you finding that Ryan?" Lisa continued to question

"Yeah, it's okay. Lisa, just.... just get to the point; are you sending me away? I mean, are you gonna move me again?" 

Lisa started, "Ryan, I've spoken to Mike and he's desperate to keep you at Ashdene Ridge, but I need to make sure that you're going to be safe there. We've got a meeting tomorrow with your psychiatrist, Myself and Mike, to discuss the plan." 

I was shocked, "Psychiatrist?" I questioned, "What? You think I'm mad don't ya, DON'T YA? I just knew it, I can't trust any of ya." I shrieked. 

"Ryan, it's not because we think you're mad, I promise, we just need to make sure that Ashdene Ridge is the right place for you" She continued, trying to reassure me. 

"Well, I'm not going anywhere else Lisa, I'm not....I'm not!! I shouted just as Mike spoke, 

"Okay calm down Ryan" he said, "calm down lad".

 I snapped, "but I'm better, I am, Mike, tell her" I pleaded 

"Ryan calm down" Mike said again. 

"How can I? Mike, She's trying to move me! She wants to send me away! Mike, I can't, I won't go!!" 

Mike held me "Just, just breathe Ryan" Mike said trying to calm me. 

The nurse came into the room; "What's going on?" she questioned, 

"It's HER....She's trying to move me, she wants to send me away, I can't, I can't go. Please, tell her, Mike, Tell her" I said all agitated 

"Ryan, nothings been decided yet but..." Lisa started to say, but I interrupted her again 

"Ya, WHAT? No, Lisa, you've already made your mind up, I know ya have!" I cried 

"Ryan, I haven't, I just need to know that wherever you go, you're safe" she said. 

"I will be, back with Mike and May-Li!" I screamed at her. 

"That's enough for now." The nurse said and Mike and Lisa left the room.

"It's okay sweetheart, try to calm down." The nurse said gently 

"She doesn't know, I trust Mike, I can't be moved, if they move me....I'll finish the job properly, I will." I cried agitated. 

"Ryan, what do you mean love?" the nurse questioned."

I'll....I'll not get found, I'll not get found next time, I won't, if she moves me....I'll kill myself, I will, I really will!" I was so desperate. 

"Okay Ryan love, I understand how scared you are, Why don't I get ya some paper and you can write down your wishes for the meeting, and then, I'm sure Mike or Lisa will read them out for you." She said. 

"I'm sick of everyone thinking they know what's best for me, it's my life; why won't they just listen to me?" I said. 

"Let's get you that pen and paper sweetheart" she said and left the room. 

I think she must have asked Mike and Lisa to stay away for a while, cuz when she came back in with the pen, she asked me if I wanted any help writing it down. 

"I don't know. I think I know what I want to say....but if it's all like...like a jumbled mess...it won't help!" I said desperately. 

"Okay, tell me what you want to say and I'll make a note on the paper and then, we' just put it in some order afterwards pet." She said reassuringly. 

"You'd do that.....for me?" I asked, 

"Of course" she replied. I don't know how long it took to write it all down, but once I'd spat it all out and put it in order, it read:

Dear Psychiatrist, Lisa and Mike,

I know I can't come to the meeting, but I want my wishes and feelings to be considered, please.

Mike's been by my side since I came into hospital; it's a lonely place, this head of mine, but somehow, Mike made it through the fog of my mind and he's helping me to get better. You see, Mike believes in me. I need him and those that care around me. If you move me, I'll be all alone and I won't cope, I'm not strong enough to start over again. Please, let me go home; to familiar faces, belongings and surroundings. I'll do anything.....everything you want me to do and more, I'll take the tablets, I'll have counselling, jeez, I'll apologise to the world if I have to do. Please, anything to make me go home again. I don't wanna live like this, I want to get better and I know that, that will happen in Ashdene Ridge!

I know you've probably already made your decision, but please, this is my life; I already have little control over what happens, I need to feel valued; that what I say matters. Thanks for taking the time to listen to the letter.

Yours

Ryan.