A Storm In Mind

Chapter 23 -

So, today's the day they finally let me go home, out of this shit hole. "There's still a lot of recovery ahead Ryan" Matt said to me. Why can't they just let me go home in peace? I thought and sighed. I've got to come here to the unit daily for therapy, for at least the next two months; at least I'll be going  home at the end of the day, I've wanted this for so long.

Mike and Tyler came to pick me up. Tyler's been really great, especially these last few months - not that I'd ever tell him that! "You ready matey?" He asked with a huge smile across his face, "Ready? Jeez get me out of here; It's enough to send a guy mad in here!" I joked as we both laughed. Mike was just collecting my medication from the staff and signing the forms. We walked outside and the fresh air hit my nostrils as I inhaled and devoured it's sweet smell - the smell of freedom. We got into Mike's car, Tyler and I sat in the back and Mike put his usually radio 4 on, which, I'd kinda missed.

As we pulled up at Ashdene Ridge I could feel myself starting to get agitated. "It's okay matey, no-ones home" Tyler reassured me. "Thanks, I really aren't ready for everyone and all the questions. Not just yet." I said.

I walked in and Mai-lee was waiting. She gave me a hug and she'd made me a hot chocolate, remembering just how I liked it. "Can I take it upstairs please?" I asked a little shy "of course! Your rooms just how you left it, Oh, just fresh bedding!" She smiled. "Thank you". I smiled.

I entered my room and it was indeed just how I'd left it, only somehow mum's photo was back on my bedside table. I'm sure I hadn't left it behind, had I? I lay on my bed and smiled as I looked around my room at all my familiar things, the skate posters, my skateboard, my belongings. I'd waited so long for this moment!

I closed my eyes and before long, Harry was shaking me and waking me up. I almost had a heart attack! "Ryan your home," Harry cried as he hugged me tightly, "I've missed you so much, every day!" I smiled as I returned his hug "I've missed you too buddy." I truly had missed everyone - even Bailey! Although I'm in no rush to see him again.

Harry sat with me for ages and then Mike knocked telling us it was teatime. "Come on Ryan, everyone's dying to see you" Harry encouraged. "Not tonight buddy, I just wanna be on my own, you go though." I wasn't trying to get rid of Harry, I didn't want him missing out because of me. Harry followed Mike and came back upstairs with Tyler carrying a tray with our tea on it. Tyler placed it on the desk "enjoy!" He smiled and returned downstairs. It was a dumping ground favourite, sausages and mashed potatoes with carrots and peas. I so wanted to eat it but, I'm just not hungry. "Come on Ryan, eat up - it's yummy" Harry said as he tucked into his. "I'm not hungry matey." I said turning away from the food.

As happy as I am to be home, I don't feel quite right. I'm not the same Ryan. Everyone knows now, I'm sure they must do. How else would Mike and Mai-lee explain my absence for almost two months!

Maybe I'll be okay if they know. I won't have to put on an act, but...God the shame! What if they told everyone at school? I never fitted in before, and I'll never fit in now. You know, I'm that one guy who's either disruptive or totally disengaged - I seem to swing between the two. I aren't going back to school this term anyway, so maybe they'll forget about me. I'm sure there's plenty more drama! I thought to myself.

I gasped as I remembered; Oh God... I'd tried to KILL myself!!! I felt sick at the thought, the thought that it might have been all over the newspaper - all over the news!!!

I had to speak to Mike or Mai-lee. "Ryan where you going?" Harry called after me as I charged out of my room and down the stairs. I didn't reply. I had to know!

"Mike, can I have a word please?

"Sure what's wrong kiddo?" Mike asked in his usual casual tone as we went into the office. "The papers, I mean, the news, I mean did they know about me?" I rambled.

"The press did publish small piece, not mentioning any names Ryan." Mike said softly. "Here do you want to read it?" He said passing me the article.

"Is it bad?" I asked Mike, "here you decide." He said gently squeezing my arm.

'BOY FOUND FREEZING TO DEATH IN CEMETERY' the headline read... I scanned the rest of the story, dreading it's words

A 13 year old boy was found late last night by security guards and the police helicopter having been reported missing early yesterday afternoon. Police and paramedics were called to the remembrance garden shortly before 3am where his lifeless body was discovered with security guards with dogs. A North East Ambulance Service spokesman said "we were called to a young male who was found unconscious and he is currently receiving specialist care". Police spokesman, David Greene added " we located the missing boy and he us currently receiving treatment.  We want to thank the public for their help and wish the young boy a speedy recovery."

I sighed "was that all they wrote Mike? I mean, did they go into any other detail?" Mike shook his head "No Ryan, that's all that was in the papers." I felt relief. I'm not sure I could bear the whole world knowing. "But what about these lot?" I asked Mike. "All they know is where you were found and that you needed specialist care afterwards...for your lungs" Mike added. "So... they don't know I've been locked away in a mental hospital?" I asked surprised. "Ryan, it was an assessment unit! And no one only staff and Tyler know."

"Can I sit in the quiet room Mike, I don't want them to see me, not just yet." I said. "Sure you can, do you want company?" Mike asked gently. "Tyler, if he'll come, I mean, if he's not busy, please." I waited a few minutes and Tyler entered the room. "You okay matey?" He asked as he sat next to me. I took a deep breath...

"I saw the paper Tyler." I said and began to cry. This wasn't like me. I never show my feelings - like Ever!

"It's okay matey, no one knows anything." Tyler tried to reassure me. I just sat with my head buried into my arms as I curled up on the sofa. Poor Tyler wasn't sure what to do. He put his arms around me "I'm here for you Ryan." Was all he said. I sobbed onto his shoulder "I'm so ashamed Tyler, how did this happen?" Tyler pulled away "Ashamed? Why?" He asked shocked. "Look at me...I'm, men...men...I'm sick in the head Tyler!" I spat, not being able to say the words mentally ill or mental health problems. They're so undignified.  "Ryan your not sick in the head, you were trying to cope for too long on your own. I don't know how you managed for so long!" He said sincerely. "I thought I was okay. I thought it was normal. It's how it had been for so long Tyler." I tried to explain between the sobs. "I know matey." He comforted.

Mai-lee came in. "Ryan I've closed the lounge doors and the younger kids are in bed if you want to go back upstairs - when you're ready." She said gently.

"Shit! Harry!" I said aloud "what?" Mai-lee asked confused. "I left Harry in my room is he okay? I didn't mean to, I just had to ask Mike." I rambled

"I'm fine! Are you ok?" I heard Harry say as he appeared from behind Mai-lee. "Yeah, I'm really sorry mate" I said to him.  "It's okay, but Jeff got hungry and ate one of your sausages and now he's fast asleep on your bed!" Harry smiled. "Shall I go and get him for you" I offered. "No, he wants to sleep with you tonight. Goodnight." Harry said and left the room. "Harry..." I called after him "But Jeff sleeps with you!" Harry turned and smiled "not tonight."

I went upstairs and got changed and crawled into bed. Mike knocked with my medication "how you doing?" He asked in his fatherly tone "I'm tired Mike, just tired." I sighed. "It's been quite a day kiddo. Night and bless." He said as he left my room.

I must have gone out cold. It was the first night in the dumping ground ever where is slept all night. It must be the medication.