A Storm In Mind

Chapter 21 - Broken

I had a progress meeting today; just Mike, Jim, Matt and Me. It's all part of the visit from Mike. I'm kinda glad I didn't know too soon cus I haven't had the chance to get worked up. I was in Education when one of the staff came to fetch me.

"Ryan, you ready?"

My heart began racing and I could feel the panic rising through me; stupid, it's only Mike!

"Hey Kiddo" Mike said with a huge smile on his face, "How's it going?"

"Okay." I lied, trying to sound positive and failing miserably.

"Really?" Mike questioned.

I let out a sigh "I hate it here Mike, I wanna come home!"

"Oh son, come here." He said hugging me

"I don't wanna be on my own Mike; I can't do it anymore." I cried, "I swear I'll behave Mike, I'll do whatever, whatever they want, but please, I've gotta come home - today."

"Ryan, please, tell Matt how you feel, you have to be honest. We knew it wasn't going to be easy Ryan and it's still early days,"

"It's been 2 weeks Mike" I spat

"Still early days Ryan" Mike said

We walked together to one of the meeting rooms, Matt and Jim were already in there, waiting. I sat down, it wasn't meant to be formal, but I was still anxious. The chairs were laid out casually and there were bean bag chairs on the floor – that's where I sat. I tried to do the breathing techniques that I'd been taught to reduce my panic, but, I could feel it rising again. I felt like I had so many things to remember – so many things I had to say!

"Well, thanks for coming everyone. This is just a casual meeting to discuss your progress Ryan, since you've been in the unit." Matt began, "and to plan some home visits – if you feel ready Ryan?"

"Home visits? I wanna go home and stay – Not just visit!!" I spat

"Small steps Ryan" Matt reminded me, which to be honest just pissed me off even more!

Jim started to explain how well I'd settled into the unit; but Dave had made a report about my outburst yesterday, which was now an area for discussion.

"How did you feel when Mike said he was coming to see you today Ryan?" Matt asked

"How dya think?" I retorted, "Oh I dunno, I had mixed feelings; but, above all, I felt like everyone was just hiding stuff from me!" I sighed

"Why do you feel like that Ryan?" he continued to probe

"I was angry! I'm sick of everyone planning behind my back!" I yelled

"Is that what you think we're doing Ryan, planning behind your back?"

"Yeah, well sometimes, I said, "Oh I dunno, I'm so confused, stop asking me all these questions, I'm so confused!!"

"It's positive that you felt able to express your anger, and work through your emotions and accept responsibility Ryan" Matt said

"Oh well pat on the back for me then hey" I retorted

"Ryan!" Mike warned

"So can I go home with Mike; today?" I asked

"It's too soon Ryan. You need to have more therapy sessions – especially the DBT. Chris reports you're struggling with this Ryan?"