Lady Samurai

Chapter 58

"I have just realised that all my training is about killing." They were sitting on the wide veranda, just outside the temple's meditation hall. Both Lottie and her father were wrapped up against the cold, stretching their hands towards the brazier where the fire was burning cheerfully. They were drinking warm saké, which Lottie brought with her. Outside, the world was covered in snow that muffled sounds and gave everything some eerie, unreal quality.

"I have been very diligently practicing many ways to kill a human being." She continued after a pause. She looked at her father, searching his face for some kind of guidance. But he had provided none as yet. "All the time I thought I was training myself to protect the people I cared about. But now I can clearly see that it's impossible to protect someone without acknowledging that killing may be necessary." Still, her father remained silent. "Pappi, please, I need your guidance." She implored.

"Do you regret that you were able to protect yourself and your Lord?" He spoke finally.

"No! That's the reason I wanted to learn Kenjutsu."

"What would have happened if you didn't kill that man?" His tone was calm and measured.

"They would have both attacked Hikaru. Possibly killed him and... eventually, me as well." She admitted.

"Could you have done anything else? Could they be reasoned with?" He questioned her as a teacher would, guiding his pupil to the correct answer.

"No."

"So where is that remorse coming from?"

"I had never killed anybody before. Yet, since my arrival in Japan I have killed several men!" There was anguish in her voice.

Her father was the only person she could talk to about it. Neither Hikaru nor Kazuki would have understood her dilemma. Their whole life was dedicated to fighting: kill or be killed. There was no other option. She herself couldn't understand what had troubled her so, and this uncertainty was disturbing her ever since their return from the lodge.

"Having lived in this monastery for the past twenty years I learned to appreciate the monks' view on life." Her father finally spoke, sipping his saké. "Life is precious and needs to be protected, because it is so fragile. But in this flawed world you cannot expect to do it without a fight. People are not ready yet to embrace Buddha's peace..." He paused. "You have not attacked these men. You have not in any way provoked this attack. Nor did Lord Takeda. If someone tries to take away that which is dear to you, you have the right to defend it in any way possible."

"But killing to prevent killing cannot be an excuse!"

"If someone attacked us right now, would you not draw your sword to protect me?"

"Of course!"

"But what if the only way to do so is to kill your attacker? Did your enemy consider your right to live?"

"By that logic, anybody who attacks me or the people I love willingly forfeits their own right to live, which allows me to take their life without the remorse or regret."

"So I believe." He nodded. "Think about how many valuable lives you saved not how many worthless ones you took."

Lottie considered it for a long time. She closed her eyes and allowed her mind to wander... Eventually, she managed to reconcile with her conscience the idea of killing to protect lives.

When she opened her eyes, she was alone. The wood in the brazier had burned out. The night had fallen and it was dark around her. Finally, she was at peace: with herself and with the world.

From inside of the meditation hall she could hear the quiet murmur of monks chanting their prayers. She rose slowly, trying not to disrupt their concentration, and stepped out into the courtyard.

Across from her, next to the gate she noticed her father and Kazuki in a deep conversation. They fell silent when she approached. "Thank you, father." She bowed, although he couldn't see it.

"I am glad I was of help, My Lady." He smiled, mocking himself. "Kazuki-San has just been telling me about your progress." He changed the subject. "He claims that you will soon become another Tomoe Gozen."

"Who?" She didn't understand.

"You really don't know about her?" Kazuki was shocked. "She is the female samurai of legends. She fought at Yoshinaka's side."

"I have never heard about her. When did it happen?"

"My Lady, it's a long story. I suggest you ask our Lord to tell you her tale, but now we should be going back..."

*

It was a very cold night. Nestled in Hikaru's arms, Lottie remembered about the female warrior. "My Lord, do you know of a woman called Tomoe Gozen?" She turned to look at him.

His face was relaxed and peaceful. Being with Lottie gave him a sense of tranquility that he had never known before. "Everybody knows about her." He smiled.

"I don't." Her forehead wrinkled, as if she was trying to recollect something, but it eluded her.

"Who told you about her?"

"Kazuki mentioned it to my father. Apparently soon I might become another Tomoe."

"I believe he paid you the highest compliment possible." He supported himself on a bent elbow and looked down at her. "Tomoe was the female samurai in the time of Genpei War, around six hundred years ago." He clarified for her benefit. "She was celebrated for her bravery, strength and loyalty to her Lord, Minamoto no Yoshinaka..."

"Minamoto?" She interrupted. "So he was your ancestor?"

"Only through the blood of shared ancestors. Tomoe was Yoshinaka's companion and... his lover, they say." He continued. "She became a legendary Lady Samurai and there are many stories made up about her, but the fact is clear that she made it into the history as an epitome of the perfect warrior."

"I am most certainly NOT a legendary warrior!" Lottie laughed. "I can barely wield a sword. The other day I almost cut my ear off."

He ignored that self-deprecating remark. "Tomoe is so famous, because she remained loyal to her Lord to the very end and left him only following an order to live and to preserve his story... And it's not true that you can barely hold a sword. Remember, I have seen you fighting. I know you are already very skilled. Anybody would say you have been training from a very young age to achieve this level of proficiency. It seems as if you have a natural talent for Kenjutsu."

"Oh, is it my birthday already?" She burst out laughing. "Everybody is so nice to me today!"

"I don't know." He considered, suddenly pensive. "When is your birthday?"

"Not today." She laughed again. She had once explained to him western traditions connected with the anniversary of one's birth and now was sure he would want to know the day to please her with some outlandish gift.

"I can ask your father." He threatened with a glint in his eyes.

"It's many months from now." She conceded. "In the Autumn. But no need to mention it again."

"Of course." He murmured, but she was sure that he was already plotting something...