Bungou Stray Dogs x Reader One Shots

Dazai x Reader | Behind Me

Please, take this seriously

Warning: triggering content, angst, mental illness, paranoia

~~~

I know, that it is not quite normal. I know, that Dazai is starting to guess something. I know, that there was nothing behind my back,  yet why do I still have this feeling?

Every time, I look behind, there is no one, but emptiness. Was it the void, that is watching me? Or maybe that someone has already hid somewhere before I looked. I can't know that for sure.

It doesn't matter where I am.Wether I'm walking down the street or cuddling on the couch with my boyfriend, I always have this feeling, that I am not alone. Strangely, I don't hear voices or experience hallucinations. I only have that feeling

The worst was when I have to go to bed. I turn off the lights, crawl on the bed and under the blanket and...there it is. I feel, that there is definitely something behind my back; it is ready to jump at me in any minute and while, I'm lying peacefully in my warm bed, it was getting closer and closer until...

I always end up jumping on the bed and turning on the lights just to see Dazai sleeping soundly and the empty room in front of me. Then, I turn off the lights again and this all repeats. Over and over until tiredness becomes too heavy to resist and I finally, fall asleep.

I know, that it isn't a normal life. I can't live like that anymore. Constant fear, that feeling, not being able to have some rest...this is all driving me insane. I need help. I know it. I have to tell someone. But...can I? Wouldn't they all laugh at me and say, that I'm just imagining this all? Won't they just say, that I'm only seeking for the attention?

I can tell Dazai. He loves me. He often says it and proves it...or does he actually? What if he just wants me to think so? Do distract me from something else...

Maybe, this was all just my delusions? And the truth was, that no one actually ever loved me and I was completely alone all my life...

No. That isn't the truth. I know it. Moreover, I am never alone. There is something behind my back, every time I look away. I know it. I feel it.

"(Y/N)." Dazai called me, waking me up from my thoughts

"What?" I asked and finally, looked at him

"You've been staring blankly in front of you for about 10 minutes. Are you alright?" He asked with an obvious concern in his eyes

"Yeah~ Of course, I am~" I answered and smiled as if it was true "I was just lost in thoughts."

This is how it all ended every time. He often asked me this question, yet my answer was always the same.

Could I really trust him...? Wasn't he going to betray me? Wasn't he one of it, which is always watching me. How can I know if I can tell him such a thing? Theoretically, there was no guarantee, that my secret will stay between us two. I surely can trust myself, but can I trust others?

How funny! You were doubting if you could trust others, but in reality the only one you shouldn't have trusted was you. The main villain in this game wasn't even that "something" behind you. It was your mind. You shouldn't have believed your own thoughts. It's kind of ironic, isn't it? You couldn't even trust yourself!

I was looking at Dazai's back, while he was washing the dishes, when finally, I decided, that it was enough.

"Dazai." I called him "I have something to tell you..."

No matter what I do...

It
Is always
Behind
Me