trashcan (literal trash)

i gotta

Okay, i don't know what the hell is happening to me, but I just have to take this all out somewhere before I go bleak from overthinking. This is probably the first time I'm revealing this to people I don't even know but oh well. Let's do this.

I don't like to do anything.

Thinking about that sentence, it's probably really normal, right?

We all want to just laze around in bed everyday and sleep.

The problem is, I don't even want to sleep, nor do I want to stay awake.

Confusing? I know.

I'm confused as hell, too.

I don't remember the last time I actually had my own will telling me to do something, but now that I try to think about it, it goes far, far back into the past where I can't dig any deeper.

This phenomena is very normal for people my age, I know.

But why can't I have something I like to do anymore?

Okay, so, like, for example. . . I like to read.

But now I'm reading something just for the sake of finishing it.

I don't actually enjoy the book, but I'm reading it for the sake of reading.

I like to draw.

But now I draw just because I want to add something to my drawings. I don't actually enjoy the process of drawing. It's as if I draw because I want to show people that I still draw.

I sing.

But now I don't sing if it isn't needed.

Past is, I liked to do that because I loved to hear lyrics that were nice.

But now I don't think I've taken a liking to any song at all.

And it's as if I only sing for the sake of doing it, so I can show people that I still sing.

I like to write.

Ever since I was a kid, I wrote a lot of stuff. Essays, poems, short stories, etc.

But now I don't find enjoyment in writing at all.

At this very moment, I'm not actually 'writing' because this isn't creative at all.

It's some kind of a journal. I'm just putting my thoughts into this one without actually watching my words.

I wanted to write back then because I wanted to write.

But now I realized that I write just for the sake of telling people that I still do have the motivation to actually write some story.

I liked to watch.

Anime, movies, music vids, vocaloid vids, etc.

But now I find myself watching for the sake of doing something.

Because my observation so far is that I don't want to just sit idly, but when I try to do something, there isn't something I want to do.

I usually open an episode and close it immediately.

Then I browse through other shows and click on other stuff until I get bored at the repetition.

Then I abandon the task.

I have an idea for a story, but my mind doesn't want to do it. It won't allow me to finish it because I don't want to write anymore, but I have to write because that's one of the reasons why people know me as I am.

I want to draw. But I ditch it.

If one would look through my bin, it's full of crumpled paper having drawn figures on the surface.