trashcan (literal trash)

a small piece of comedic tragedy by yours truly

so someone asked me a number of times that, if i really do want to die, why am i not making any obvious attempts to actually commit suicide or some shit? and i, for one, laugh it off and say "none of your business, mortal." whenever i say some dark-humored joke about wanting to hang myself on a fucking noose or dive into a goddamn river and drown, i'm either ridiculed, - which i do not particularly care about - or asked that certain question - which honestly triggers me a lot more than it should.

it's honestly pretty insulting.

my mind goes, "you don't know how it feels, yet you're assuming that just deciding to swallow a whole bag of biogesic is a sure and set preference over being in existence for far longer than i want to". actually, i did try to die a few times. generic stuff, like drowning myself in a fucking basin (which was ruined when my aunt opened the bathroom door with a key since i was probably unresponsive for so long), drinking some fucking bleach (which had zero effect on me other than a headache and a desire to throw up), and a shot at standing infront of a truck (again, bombed because my companion at that time thought i didn't see the vehicle and grabbed ny arm). these were the safest choices i could think of (without having to involve anyone else, since it gets messy when something or someone meddles), and now that i have been put back into our actual house, i can no longer try to do any of these (save for the car accident, which i tried a few more times, but the vehicles always stop).

sure, i'm probably being insulted onesidedly now since i don't "go to isolated places to commit the die", but that's because i know of literally zero isolated spaces. and if there are, they're probably miles away from my current place (so that means i have to travel and shit, costing me hours, and more eyewitnesses of me heading towards my end.), and the complications this causes is not very easy to explain, but i'll try.

for example, my only free time besides the weekends (which, in my case, i have to bring some stuff when i go out so it would look like a normal day [and i don't want any of that stuff to go missing with me when i die because i should atleast leave them at home so my relatives can sell them by the time i'm gone, or maybe use my other stuff]), is when there is no one else at home. it takes my sister about 30 minutes or less to get home after i do because she has activities there as a normal highschool student. none of those are advantageous in any way when you want to just go and fucking drown yourself or something of the sort. there are lots more factors but those are primary examples.

cutting this short and leaving you to think what tou want to think, the reaosn why i "haven't taken a swan dive off the bridge yet and let the river carry me to my death" is because there's always a "what if". it's not something so dramatic or heart-wrenching of a reason. instead, it's quite simple and easy to comprehend.

"what if i wouldn't die?"

this is especially hard on me, because those four times i went to try dying, with a set resolve of leaving everything good and bad behind, failed. i haven't tried the noose yet because there's no good beams or strong enough ones here to hold my weight (i'm pretty heavy), by the way. so if i dive into that dirty as fuck river, what if i simply hit my head, swallow a shit ton of... well, shit in the water, and get sent to the hospital after a group of people find me floating downstream? then when i get sent to the hospital, that gives my relatives more and more expenses to have to spend (because asian stuff), making me more of a shitty kid than before i tried to die again. also, i would like something that would allow my body to never get found, because funerals, autopsies and even cremation cost money as well. i would like to just sleep inside a secure as fuck underground place and die in an incinerator during my state of unconsciousness, the janitor utlising the mentioned tool without noticing me. that way, i died underground, my body won't be found, and no one knows anyone got involved, other than the janitor who doesn't even have a fucking clue, himself.

also, noose method is pretty messy because they'll still find your corpse displaying itself in sayuri mode before everything else. also gun method. i don't fucking have a gun, and that shit's bloody so more mess. death by fire is slow and very, very less likely to succed because someone might find you and try to
a) put the flames out
b) call the fire station
c) go in and save you if they're heroic enough
three options are way too plenty, i can tell you that.

anyways, i hope i atleast die in my sleep tonight then because that's peaceful, but the problem is that my corpse would be available for display to everyone who would still be at hone by that time.

so the next time someone asks me that question, i decided i would just flip them off and say "because i need you to suck my dick bitch" so i'll turn out to be joking.

this whole chapter is a joke btw. : D